I knew Kaylin from Grad School. We were part of a small "clique" that formed in our cohort of future teachers. We made a tradition of grabbing a cocktail and some appetizers before our 6:00 Monday night class at the local Christian University (ironic, I know). When graduation day came, and we all got our diplomas and were sent naively into the shark infested waters of the teaching profession hiring pool, we remained close. After 18 months passed, and no teaching job in sight, I did the natural thing that 20-something married women do...and got pregnant. When I happened to mention that I was thinking about getting a part time job at a baby boutique, she showed an unnatural interest in their hiring status. I knew immediately that she had the same "condition" that I did. When both of us showed up to our next happy hour meet-up, and neither of us drank, the third member of our party caught on and it became official...we were joining another club together...the MOMMY CLUB!
We had fun doing the pregnant thing simultaneously, both of us found out we were having boys! She delivered first, in April, and I followed about 8 weeks behind, in June. While I was going through the binder that my delivering hospital gave me, all about how to bathe baby, burp baby, and diaper baby, I came across an invitation to their "Baby and Me" group. I remember a vision of uptight, yoga pants-wearing, and baby-obsessed women sitting around and talking about REALLY boring and mundane stay-at-home mommy issues. I was not interested. I was cool. And hip. And I did not need a group of boring women to "bond" with...blech.
After about 3 weeks though, when my husband went back to work-and I was alone, and bored-Kaylin mentioned to me that she had been going to this very same mommy group, and it was kind of cool! What the heck, I have nothing better to do on Tuesday at 2:00, I'll go! (At least to see Kaylin, and let our adorable babies "play" together!) It actually was, more or less, what I expected...a group of women, sitting in a circle, wearing yoga pants and bonding. I was kind of shy, but the moment the facilitator asked me to share about my birth story, and the AMAZING little man I had brought into the world, I was hooked. Of course I love talking about Hudson. He's perfect, and amazing, and AWESOME!! What happened next surprised me. Moms were sharing how they were having difficulty nursing (like me), and sleeping (like me), and getting along with their husbands (like me)! I started feeling better about all of my own insecurities and struggles. I found a new group of ladies that were having exactly the same experiences as me! Over the next few weeks, I kept finding myself back there every Tuesday. Not only because it was an awesome opportunity to talk through the constantly changing issues that were facing me about motherhood, but also because it was a great excuse to shower, get dressed, and leave the house. It was always a safe environment where I could go and do whatever my newborn needed me to do, while making some new friends and venting my frustrations with being a new mom. I reconnected with another mom who I (and John) had befriended during our birthing class a few months back! She and I got to know each other even more, and became really close.
There was another mom, who 3 months after having her daughter, found out she was pregnant again...WHAT?!? (I still think she is the only person I know who could have pulled that off) Another mom who had a son a mere one day younger than Hudson, but as of today, dwarfs him by at least a foot! Another mom who had even more nursing issues than I did, and always had a boppy connected to her during group. And so many others with stories so different, yet so similar, to mine. To top it off, we gained a new and regular facilitator who started each gathering with 3 questions: What is one thing that is going well, what is one thing that is not, and then a question that was totally NOT related to motherhood, to make us feel human. It was so awesome getting to know everyone, getting help from other moms who had tried different things, and to just have a place where I belonged! These gals were a great addition to the support system I had at home.
Then, everything fell apart. One minute I was holding my precious 3-month-old baby in my arms, thinking about mundane things like sleep, feedings, and diapers, and the next minute I am finding out my biggest support, my mom, is gone. Suddenly. Unexpectedly. So totally unfair. With all of the changes, and uncertainties, and conflicting ideas and opinions that come with motherhood, she was my constant. My tie breaker. My sounding board and focus group. I couldn't think straight, or breathe, or even be remotely normal. The only thing keeping me grounded and moving forward was my son. He NEEDED me! I didn't want this poor little guy to know that his mommy was falling apart. Friday I dealt with the shock of my mom's passing, Saturday I went to the funeral home to make arrangements, Sunday I went to church...by Tuesday, I needed a break from the sadness. It was the Halloween Dress-Up Party at Baby and Me. A bunch of infants dressed up in costumes?? Yes PLEASE! I bought my sister, but didn't say a word to anyone. I know how awkward it is to tell someone that you are grieving...unless they knew the person that you lost, or have gone through it themselves, they really don't know what to say. So I just kept to myself, tried not to cry, and enjoyed the afternoon. The rest of the week was spent, again, dealing with the logistics of losing my mom, we had her funeral the following Saturday, and I was back at group the next week. This time we were upstairs, next to the cafeteria (I remember these details vividly) and I finally told my new group of friends. We were talking about what was challenging that week, and I told them. It's hard to deal with the mundane little trivial issues of motherhood when you are grieving so hard. They were so supportive, but I don't think that anyone understood how much I was hurting.
So many things were happening at once. I lost my mom, and was devastated. I was dealing with a lack of sleep, a screaming infant all day, my once perfect relationship with my husband was strained because of our new roles, we were struggling financially with my time off, I was dealing with the challenges of juggling an on-call job with daycare for an infant, my house was a disaster, I felt like crap all the time...the world felt like it was caving in on me. I could barely get through each day without just bawling and begging God to give me a BREAK!! My emotions and frustration were so palpable, I felt like I was going to explode all the time. At the height of my struggles, I burst into tears at group, told my friends that I was coming to terms with a life that would never be happy, and I was just feeling so defeated.
Then things started coming together. Day by day, I started trusting MYSELF. I was my new sounding board and tie breaker. Even though my friends weren't sharing ALL of my struggles, they were goin g through most of it with me. The mommyhood stuff. We started getting the babies together for playdates, Mom's Nights Out, and a message board for everything human. They partially filled a void left by my mother. I felt comfortable sharing with them all of the things I was going through.
As the next few years went by, every time I heard that a friend was pregnant for the first time, I was immediately excited for the journey they were about to embark on. As soon as the baby came, I would rally around them, telling them of course about the wonderful group I was a part of and inviting them to join...and then part of me was sad for them. The sight or thought of having a new baby put a nasty feeling in my stomach and reminded me of everything I went through those first few months. Each time however, I was surprised about how well my friends were doing, in comparison to how hard it was for me. I didn't understand why motherhood was so much harder on me.
I finally put the pieces together a few weeks ago. When I was seeing a counselor after my mom passed, she mentioned that I was moderately depressed. (I never did tell my pediatrician about what was going on). I didn't believe her, because I viewed depression as suicidal, and I viewed post-partum depression as wanting to harm your baby. Neither of those thoughts ever crossed my mind. But now I realize, I was depressed. Too many changes were happening at once, and I never admitted that it was more than I could handle. But what I do know, is that had it not been for that group of ladies, and their ADORABLE babies, and the friendship, and the camaraderie, and the support...things would have been MUCH worse. I don't know what I would have done to cope with everything that was happening and my search for a new identity.
Thank you to the ladies of BAM, and thank you to Elizabeth for bringing us together. I cannot express the priceless value I place on you guys and your support. And as each one of us faces our own challenges and hardships in years to come, I hope that we can all continue to support each other and provide one another with friendship and love :)
Wednesday, March 19, 2014
Friday, October 19, 2012
1 year later...
As I approach the 1-year mark of my mom's passing, a whole bunch of new emotions are flooding in. I vividly remember that day...and I haven't been able to shake those moments lately. It was Friday morning, October 21st, and I had just finished rocking my little 3-month-old son to sleep for the umteeth time. As I lay there awake in bed, staring at the ceiling in the early morning hours my phone rang. As I picked up the phone to answer it, I noticed that it was 4:10 am and wondered who was calling so early. The number on the caller ID said "Mom" so I knew it must be important. I was surprised to hear my step-dad's voice on the other end, but I can't even put on name on the feeling I had when I heard what he said, "Your mom passed away this morning." My brain just couldn't process it. I had just spoken to here right before bed the night before, just few hours ago! It was so silly too...just sent her a picture of Hudson's high chair and she told me that she couldn't wait for him to start eating solid foods! You would think your last conversation with someone would be more meaningful, but that was it. After I got off the phone, I just remember screaming, "What do I do!?" I really didn't know what people were supposed to do when they receive that kind of news. It was so early so I couldn't call anyone, and I wasn't sure if I just stay at home, was there a hospital I could go to? Should I go over to her house?! I mean, there has to be SOMETHING I can do to make this better! I just paced up and down the halls, nauseous and screaming and crying. The only thing that I could think of to do was go grab my sweet boy and rock him and hug him while I just cried.
The rest of the day was such a blur. People came over and everyone talked and cried and made phone calls. When Hudson was awake, I had to pretend to be happy and normal. I sang him his favorite song, "You are my Sunshine", but I couldn't get through it without bursting into tears. For months after, every time I got to the lines, "You'll never know dear, how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away" I would tear up. But I had to stay strong for Hudson and the rest of my family. I became the positive one and tried to make everyone else feel better. It helped me too I suppose, pretending like everything was okay. Eventually I started believing it myself. Unfortunately, the worst thing about losing someone so unexpectedly, is the constant reminders of unfinished business.
I had made my mom a birthday card with a picture of Hudson saying, "Happy Birthday Nana!" It was saved on my phone and ready to send out in a few weeks. When her birthday approached, I had to cancel that card. At Christmas, she had bought him some early gifts which he got to open, but he has since grown out of those toys and clothes, with nothing to replace them with. Mother's Day came around, and for the first time in my life, I really could really appreciate her on that day, since I was now a mom myself, but it was a constant reminder all day that I couldn't call her and tell her, "thank you." Hudson celebrated his first birthday in June and it killed me that she wasn't there. My birthday came and went, and I really missed our tradition of shopping together and getting new "school" clothes. And now, here we are, ready to embark an yet another year of being without her. My last day with my mom was the best kind of day you could have with someone. We enjoyed hay rides, finding the perfect pumpkins, eating kettle corn, taking pictures, and talking about the future with little baby Hudson. I so badly wanted to recreate that day with my family this year, but the rain is really putting a damper on things, and that is making me very sad. I also am having a hard time saying goodbye to the house that she and I put so much work into to make it a home. She was so excited for us to move into that rental, and she was there every day helping us paint, scrub floors, plant flowers, clean, and set everything up. She is in that house still. She is still sitting in the corner by the fireplace snuggling Hudson while I take a much needed nap. She is still in the backyard pulling weeds and telling me what each perennial will look like in the spring. She is still sitting on the couch eating pizza and sending pictures to everyone of her dinner date with Hudson. I don't want to leave those memories behind. I don't want anyone to paint over those walls, or pull out those plants, or put in new furniture. And I don't know how to bring her into this new house, how to have memories of her here.
It's just been a rough year, and although I have so many things to be thankful and grateful for, I just am still so lost without her here. The more time that passes, and the more changes that happen in my life, the farther I feel from her. I just wish she were here to help me thorough the hard times and celebrate the good ones too!
The rest of the day was such a blur. People came over and everyone talked and cried and made phone calls. When Hudson was awake, I had to pretend to be happy and normal. I sang him his favorite song, "You are my Sunshine", but I couldn't get through it without bursting into tears. For months after, every time I got to the lines, "You'll never know dear, how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away" I would tear up. But I had to stay strong for Hudson and the rest of my family. I became the positive one and tried to make everyone else feel better. It helped me too I suppose, pretending like everything was okay. Eventually I started believing it myself. Unfortunately, the worst thing about losing someone so unexpectedly, is the constant reminders of unfinished business.
I had made my mom a birthday card with a picture of Hudson saying, "Happy Birthday Nana!" It was saved on my phone and ready to send out in a few weeks. When her birthday approached, I had to cancel that card. At Christmas, she had bought him some early gifts which he got to open, but he has since grown out of those toys and clothes, with nothing to replace them with. Mother's Day came around, and for the first time in my life, I really could really appreciate her on that day, since I was now a mom myself, but it was a constant reminder all day that I couldn't call her and tell her, "thank you." Hudson celebrated his first birthday in June and it killed me that she wasn't there. My birthday came and went, and I really missed our tradition of shopping together and getting new "school" clothes. And now, here we are, ready to embark an yet another year of being without her. My last day with my mom was the best kind of day you could have with someone. We enjoyed hay rides, finding the perfect pumpkins, eating kettle corn, taking pictures, and talking about the future with little baby Hudson. I so badly wanted to recreate that day with my family this year, but the rain is really putting a damper on things, and that is making me very sad. I also am having a hard time saying goodbye to the house that she and I put so much work into to make it a home. She was so excited for us to move into that rental, and she was there every day helping us paint, scrub floors, plant flowers, clean, and set everything up. She is in that house still. She is still sitting in the corner by the fireplace snuggling Hudson while I take a much needed nap. She is still in the backyard pulling weeds and telling me what each perennial will look like in the spring. She is still sitting on the couch eating pizza and sending pictures to everyone of her dinner date with Hudson. I don't want to leave those memories behind. I don't want anyone to paint over those walls, or pull out those plants, or put in new furniture. And I don't know how to bring her into this new house, how to have memories of her here.
It's just been a rough year, and although I have so many things to be thankful and grateful for, I just am still so lost without her here. The more time that passes, and the more changes that happen in my life, the farther I feel from her. I just wish she were here to help me thorough the hard times and celebrate the good ones too!
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Balance
I am a firm believer that the universe, and God, try to keep a balance with things. Kind of like in science class, where we learned that "for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction," in life to I believe there is some form of balance. I don't think that there is any one person on earth that has all bad luck, nor is there someone that leads a perfect life. Granted, there are individuals who are certainly handed a more difficult situation, it is more about what you make of it. I have met some pretty incredible people who have had to deal with some pretty lousy stuff, but they don't let it ruin them. I have also met some people that run into difficult circumstances and they become the most rotten and self depreciating versions of themselves. It baffles me how two people handle the same set back in two totally different ways...or even more surprising is when someone getting cut off in traffic can ruin someone's day, yet there is someone else out there with some really huge hurdles to face, but is keeping a great attitude.
I'm not sure if this last really crummy year will turn around for me soon, of if this is the universe's way of balancing out a pretty charmed life so far. Either way, I really enjoy keeping a positive outlook on the future and what great possibilities lie ahead. I really do enjoy the daily reminders that even though in my small little chunk of the world, things seem really insurmountable, that I really am quite lucky to have what I have. I see other moms dealing with babies with special needs, and I kiss my healthy little boy. I see women out there with what seems like the perfect life, yet is dealing with a troubled marriage. And then I see super successful career women, yet they never see their families. It puts everything in perspective. Makes me feel silly for focusing on such trivial things.
The doctors at OHSU said that according to my 14-page questionnaire, I am "moderately depressed." I think that they are terribly misinformed. Anyone who knows me would never put the two words "Sarah" and "depressed" in the same sentence. I can't stand being melancholy over something I can't control. What is the point of ruining today if you can't change yesterday and you have no idea what tomorrow will bring? I don't want to waste my time on being sad or sorry for myself! I have a great life and things will get better :)
I'm not sure if this last really crummy year will turn around for me soon, of if this is the universe's way of balancing out a pretty charmed life so far. Either way, I really enjoy keeping a positive outlook on the future and what great possibilities lie ahead. I really do enjoy the daily reminders that even though in my small little chunk of the world, things seem really insurmountable, that I really am quite lucky to have what I have. I see other moms dealing with babies with special needs, and I kiss my healthy little boy. I see women out there with what seems like the perfect life, yet is dealing with a troubled marriage. And then I see super successful career women, yet they never see their families. It puts everything in perspective. Makes me feel silly for focusing on such trivial things.
The doctors at OHSU said that according to my 14-page questionnaire, I am "moderately depressed." I think that they are terribly misinformed. Anyone who knows me would never put the two words "Sarah" and "depressed" in the same sentence. I can't stand being melancholy over something I can't control. What is the point of ruining today if you can't change yesterday and you have no idea what tomorrow will bring? I don't want to waste my time on being sad or sorry for myself! I have a great life and things will get better :)
Friday, September 7, 2012
Lifesavers
It's been a rough week...physically, emotionally, and mentally! It's hard to stay positive when it seems like everything is going wrong at the same time!! I hate being depressed so I am going to try to find as many things in my life that make me happy:
1. My husband is absolutely my best friend and hugest supporter.
2. My son is the best gift God could have ever given me.
3. We just bought our first house and we are do excited!!
4. We have worked really hard to save money so we can make our new home look and feel so nice.
5. I love that I have the opportunity to find my perfect career, and work in the meantime doing what I love!
6. Going on walks is so relaxing and totally clears my head!
7. I have the greatest network of friends and family to support me.
8. I am so happy that we have food on our table every night, health insurance, and a stable life.
9. I am grateful that God gave me the ability to think positively and not get stuck in bad moods...they are a waste of time.
10. I am excited for the holidays coming up and celebrating, being cheerful, and appreciating life!
1. My husband is absolutely my best friend and hugest supporter.
2. My son is the best gift God could have ever given me.
3. We just bought our first house and we are do excited!!
4. We have worked really hard to save money so we can make our new home look and feel so nice.
5. I love that I have the opportunity to find my perfect career, and work in the meantime doing what I love!
6. Going on walks is so relaxing and totally clears my head!
7. I have the greatest network of friends and family to support me.
8. I am so happy that we have food on our table every night, health insurance, and a stable life.
9. I am grateful that God gave me the ability to think positively and not get stuck in bad moods...they are a waste of time.
10. I am excited for the holidays coming up and celebrating, being cheerful, and appreciating life!
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
New challenges
As I near the 1-year mark of my mom's passing, I am surprised about how well I am doing. In some ways it has become a little more manageable, and in other ways, I'm missing her even more. But I had no idea at the time that all of this happened, that one day I would be able to wake up each morning and actually be able to function. Her passing is the single most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with in my entire life. These kinds of events really put things into perspective and remind you that everything else in life is so trivial and benign. This new way of dealing with life has really helped me through another very difficult transition:
On Friday, April 13th at around 5:30 pm I was at the stove cooking dinner when my right ear suddenly became full like I was in an airplane or on a steep hill and it just needed to pop. As I continued to cook, I kept poking my ear, massaging my neck, yawning...everything that I would normally do when my ear was plugged. Nothing made that feeling go away. When John got home from work, I mentioned it at dinner and he thought that it was really weird that it wouldn't pop! Over the next few days I continued to try to get it to pop. I tried flushing it out with water, sticking q-tips in there, and sleeping on that ear to see if I could get it to drain. My regular doctor had cleaned that some ear out a few months prior when it was clogged and making me dizzy, so I tried to make an appointment with her to see what she thought. I wasn't able to get in to see her and John kept urging me to go to Urgent Care. By this time it had been about 5 days, and even though I thought going to urgent care over a plugged ear was silly, I went. At about this same time, I also started to hear a mild "white noise" in the plugged ear too! Well, the nurse at urgent care thought that I might have some fluid behind the ear drum from a cold, and told me it would go away after I started feeling better. She also told me to see an ear specialist too, just because I had problems with this ear before, and maybe I would need tubes or something to help it drain. As I waited almost another week for my ear to drain and to see the ENT, nothing improved.
My first appointment with the ENT started out pretty normal, by this time my cold had turned into a full blown sinus congestion and headache mess, so I figured he would diagnose me with some infection and send me home with some pills to clear everything up. Well, he did say I had a virus, but he also said that the virus may also have done some minor damage to my inner ear and wanted me to do a hearing test. This was kind of shocking, but after the hearing test, he did say that I had minor hearing loss due to the virus and that an intense course of oral steroids would be the first step in stopping the damage from getting worse. He also recommended that I get a CT scan to rule out a tumor causing the hearing loss. Over the next 16 days, I was really starting to worry. I knew that the chances of me having a tumor were so slim, but I also thought about how much my family had already been through, and we couldn't handle any more bad news. After the longest 2 weeks of my life, a tumor was finally ruled out as the cause, but the steroids had not helped and my hearing loss had gotten worse. The "white noise" that I had been hearing was diagnosed as Tinnitus, and it was becoming increasingly loud as the hearing was diminishing. Our next step of action was to inject the steroids into my ear canal through my ear drum. My doctor hoped that having the steroid sit on the nerves back there would help stop the virus from damaging my ear even more.
The first injection was relatively painless (although I did pass out from the mere thought and sensation of someone sticking a needle through my eardrum). A few weeks later we did a second injection, and this one hurt a lot more! Soon after, I was in so much pain that I called desperate for some help, and it turned out the needle had left a large scab on my eardrum and every time I laughed or coughed or breathed or swallowed or yawned or ANYTHING it would stretch and tear and cause excruciating pain! On top of all of this happening, my hearing was only getting worse, and my tinnitus louder. Adding to all of that, was anew, quite debilitating symptom...vertigo.
Finally I listened to some family members and went for a second opinion, and this doctor offered a new, more treatable diagnosis. Meniers Disease! This disease has to do with water retention and can affect some of the glands in the ear and cause hearing loss, tinnitus, and vertigo. Yay!! I went home with some new hope, some new meds, and a diet to follow. After a few weeks though, with no improvement, and some nagging feeling telling me that I had a false sense of hope, we came to the conclusion that the first doctor was more accurate with his diagnosis. My symptoms were not aligned with Meneirs Disease as I had hoped. But by this point, both doctors were out of options and advice, and my hearing had reached the "profound" level of loss. I was simply sent home with the "live with it" attitude.
For months I tried my hardest to stay positive, to remember that there are other people out there with much worse diagnosis and dealing with much harder struggles. I had learned to live with other disabilities in my life, such as my lack of vision out of my right eye, but this sudden onset was making it very hard to adjust. The tinnitus gets so loud and distracting in noisy environments, that I can't even participate in conversations or have a good time. I get headaches from my brain working so hard to overcome the jet engine in my right ear and having to discern all of the sounds in my left ear. It is hard to describe what happens to your hearing when lose function on one side, but I am no longer able to locate where sounds are coming from (such as when someone calls my name from another room or in a busy location) and I turn in circles as they keep repeating my name so I can locate where the sound is coming from! Also, now that I can only hear from my left side, EVERY SINGLE SOUND has to be processed by that ear! Imagine half of a bust highway being shut down, and now all of the traffic is being diverted down to the open lanes...it is a mess. Even when someone is talking directly into my good ear, it is still hard to separate their voice from all of the other nonsense happening around me. I fell so left out of social situations because I can't participate in the conversation as well, or I have to keep asking, "what?!" a million times!
Finally, I found a tinnitus clinic at OHSU that could possibly help with reducing my tinnitus so at least I didn't have to deal with that when trying to function in my daily life. But alas, after forking over almost $700 out of pocket, the therapy was frustrating at best, and in order to continue, I would have to purchase a hearing aid. The only bright side was having the tinnitus specialist say, "that is really loud" when we were working on matching the sound of my tinnitus. I finally have some validation that I am indeed hearing this obnoxious sound 24/7 and that it is indeed freakishly loud!
So now, I guess I am going to have to be my own advocate. I am finding some support networks and trying to find out how I can get used to this new reality and move forward. I know deep down, that compared to life's other huge struggles, this is pretty minor, but it is definitely something that I never imagined I would have to deal with, and something that is bringing me down. I do enjoy making fun of myself and the funny things I encounter with my new disability though. It makes it a little more manageable knowing that it can make others laugh :)
On Friday, April 13th at around 5:30 pm I was at the stove cooking dinner when my right ear suddenly became full like I was in an airplane or on a steep hill and it just needed to pop. As I continued to cook, I kept poking my ear, massaging my neck, yawning...everything that I would normally do when my ear was plugged. Nothing made that feeling go away. When John got home from work, I mentioned it at dinner and he thought that it was really weird that it wouldn't pop! Over the next few days I continued to try to get it to pop. I tried flushing it out with water, sticking q-tips in there, and sleeping on that ear to see if I could get it to drain. My regular doctor had cleaned that some ear out a few months prior when it was clogged and making me dizzy, so I tried to make an appointment with her to see what she thought. I wasn't able to get in to see her and John kept urging me to go to Urgent Care. By this time it had been about 5 days, and even though I thought going to urgent care over a plugged ear was silly, I went. At about this same time, I also started to hear a mild "white noise" in the plugged ear too! Well, the nurse at urgent care thought that I might have some fluid behind the ear drum from a cold, and told me it would go away after I started feeling better. She also told me to see an ear specialist too, just because I had problems with this ear before, and maybe I would need tubes or something to help it drain. As I waited almost another week for my ear to drain and to see the ENT, nothing improved.
My first appointment with the ENT started out pretty normal, by this time my cold had turned into a full blown sinus congestion and headache mess, so I figured he would diagnose me with some infection and send me home with some pills to clear everything up. Well, he did say I had a virus, but he also said that the virus may also have done some minor damage to my inner ear and wanted me to do a hearing test. This was kind of shocking, but after the hearing test, he did say that I had minor hearing loss due to the virus and that an intense course of oral steroids would be the first step in stopping the damage from getting worse. He also recommended that I get a CT scan to rule out a tumor causing the hearing loss. Over the next 16 days, I was really starting to worry. I knew that the chances of me having a tumor were so slim, but I also thought about how much my family had already been through, and we couldn't handle any more bad news. After the longest 2 weeks of my life, a tumor was finally ruled out as the cause, but the steroids had not helped and my hearing loss had gotten worse. The "white noise" that I had been hearing was diagnosed as Tinnitus, and it was becoming increasingly loud as the hearing was diminishing. Our next step of action was to inject the steroids into my ear canal through my ear drum. My doctor hoped that having the steroid sit on the nerves back there would help stop the virus from damaging my ear even more.
The first injection was relatively painless (although I did pass out from the mere thought and sensation of someone sticking a needle through my eardrum). A few weeks later we did a second injection, and this one hurt a lot more! Soon after, I was in so much pain that I called desperate for some help, and it turned out the needle had left a large scab on my eardrum and every time I laughed or coughed or breathed or swallowed or yawned or ANYTHING it would stretch and tear and cause excruciating pain! On top of all of this happening, my hearing was only getting worse, and my tinnitus louder. Adding to all of that, was anew, quite debilitating symptom...vertigo.
Finally I listened to some family members and went for a second opinion, and this doctor offered a new, more treatable diagnosis. Meniers Disease! This disease has to do with water retention and can affect some of the glands in the ear and cause hearing loss, tinnitus, and vertigo. Yay!! I went home with some new hope, some new meds, and a diet to follow. After a few weeks though, with no improvement, and some nagging feeling telling me that I had a false sense of hope, we came to the conclusion that the first doctor was more accurate with his diagnosis. My symptoms were not aligned with Meneirs Disease as I had hoped. But by this point, both doctors were out of options and advice, and my hearing had reached the "profound" level of loss. I was simply sent home with the "live with it" attitude.
For months I tried my hardest to stay positive, to remember that there are other people out there with much worse diagnosis and dealing with much harder struggles. I had learned to live with other disabilities in my life, such as my lack of vision out of my right eye, but this sudden onset was making it very hard to adjust. The tinnitus gets so loud and distracting in noisy environments, that I can't even participate in conversations or have a good time. I get headaches from my brain working so hard to overcome the jet engine in my right ear and having to discern all of the sounds in my left ear. It is hard to describe what happens to your hearing when lose function on one side, but I am no longer able to locate where sounds are coming from (such as when someone calls my name from another room or in a busy location) and I turn in circles as they keep repeating my name so I can locate where the sound is coming from! Also, now that I can only hear from my left side, EVERY SINGLE SOUND has to be processed by that ear! Imagine half of a bust highway being shut down, and now all of the traffic is being diverted down to the open lanes...it is a mess. Even when someone is talking directly into my good ear, it is still hard to separate their voice from all of the other nonsense happening around me. I fell so left out of social situations because I can't participate in the conversation as well, or I have to keep asking, "what?!" a million times!
Finally, I found a tinnitus clinic at OHSU that could possibly help with reducing my tinnitus so at least I didn't have to deal with that when trying to function in my daily life. But alas, after forking over almost $700 out of pocket, the therapy was frustrating at best, and in order to continue, I would have to purchase a hearing aid. The only bright side was having the tinnitus specialist say, "that is really loud" when we were working on matching the sound of my tinnitus. I finally have some validation that I am indeed hearing this obnoxious sound 24/7 and that it is indeed freakishly loud!
So now, I guess I am going to have to be my own advocate. I am finding some support networks and trying to find out how I can get used to this new reality and move forward. I know deep down, that compared to life's other huge struggles, this is pretty minor, but it is definitely something that I never imagined I would have to deal with, and something that is bringing me down. I do enjoy making fun of myself and the funny things I encounter with my new disability though. It makes it a little more manageable knowing that it can make others laugh :)
Friday, July 13, 2012
Motivation
Mom, I don't know if you were watching, but we celebrated you this last week and it was so inspiring to see how much impact you had on so many people, and how missed you are. I feel so lucky that your memory is not lost on us, and that no matter where I turn, there is always someone there who can laugh and reminisce with me about you and your life. I hate how it took you leaving for all of this to come about, but I can see how many changes that are happening in your honor. I'm sure you didn't plan on leaving such a legacy, or expecting such a big turn-out in celebrating your life and your career, but just know that you deserve every bit of it. Your life has inspired me so much to keep pushing on and staying committed to the things that are important to me. I know that not everything in your life was always great, and you faced many obstacles, but you never gave up and you were always doing anything and everything to make it better for yourself and for your family. You worked your butt off and you sacrificed so much for other people. I now understand all that you did for those around you that you cared about. I face struggles in my life too, and I try to channel your strength and your perseverance and drive. I know that you would never accept failure or excuses and you were the first one to step-up and do whatever it took to succeed, no matter how much you didn't feel like it. You were rewarded in the end by being able to share your life with someone who brought you so much happiness, and being able to see the successes that you raised in your children. You are such an inspiration to me mom. I really wish you were still here cheering me on through my struggles, but I will have to just look above for my strength and guidance. I really miss you mom, but know that I am continuing to live my life to make you proud, and I will work very hard to make sure I live up to the woman you raised me to be.
I need something from you though mom. It breaks my heart every time I think about the fact that Hudson will never know your laugh, or see you smile at him, or feel your hug. I am trying so hard to be at peace with this, but I don't know how to accept it. What I am asking is that instead of being here physically for him, please watch over him from Heaven. Please keep him safe and happy, and please give him all of the hugs and smiles you can from up there. I am praying for the day he says "Nana" for the first time, as I know that little gift will be from you. I hope he learns how wonderful you were from the rest of us, but I know it won't be the same. He would have adored you, and I am so sad that he was robbed of such an amazing person in his life.
Love you mom,
Sarah
I need something from you though mom. It breaks my heart every time I think about the fact that Hudson will never know your laugh, or see you smile at him, or feel your hug. I am trying so hard to be at peace with this, but I don't know how to accept it. What I am asking is that instead of being here physically for him, please watch over him from Heaven. Please keep him safe and happy, and please give him all of the hugs and smiles you can from up there. I am praying for the day he says "Nana" for the first time, as I know that little gift will be from you. I hope he learns how wonderful you were from the rest of us, but I know it won't be the same. He would have adored you, and I am so sad that he was robbed of such an amazing person in his life.
Love you mom,
Sarah
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Happy Mother's Day Mom!
Dear mom,
I missed you on Mother's Day. I kept having the urge to pick up the phone to dial your number, but I kept having to remind myself that you weren't there to answer. I know that we had plans to go pick out some flowers last year, but we never had the chance. John took me to Al's and we picked out some Gerber daisies for you. I made you a really neat flower pot before Christmas so I will have to plant them in there for you! John and Hudson sure spoiled me too. I got to go out to brunch with "my boys" and John's parents, and it was so nice! I also got to take a shopping trip all by myself and then just relax. Hudson and John also made me a "World's Greatest Mom" trophy from scratch in the shop. I loved it. Mother's Day has a whole new meaning to me now. I always loved spoiling you every May, but now I realize how much you needed it. You did so much for Amy and I growing up. I know that sometimes you doubted yourself, but you were such an amazing mother. I have learned so much from you, and especially over the past few months have I realized just how many of your great qualities I have inherited. You taught me to work hard and be proud of what I have accomplished, no matter how much I enjoyed doing it. You taught me to stand up for myself and to not settle for being treated poorly. You taught me honesty, integrity, and responsibility. You also taught me that my most valuable asset was my reputation, so to always take care of it and make sure I was trustworthy and dependable. I am surprised by how strong I have become since saying goodbye to you. I feel like somehow, during your passing, I inherited part of your role in the family. I just want you to know that I will always make sure that you are present in everything we do. I made sure to carry out Amy's surprise birthday party last weekend just like you were planning on doing, and I will also make sure that her wedding goes perfectly as well. She has tried to give me a hard time about it, but with the persistence that I know you would have had with her, I finally broke her down! I'm really struggling mom to make sure that Hudson's first birthday is as special as I know you would have made it for him. I know how excited you were to throw him a party, so I will do my best to make sure you are represented. I chose a Sesame Street theme because I have very vague memories of a Big Bird cake at my first birthday! Anyway mom, I just wanted to tell you that I have been thinking about you lately and wishing you were here. I'm very glad that you were with me through the difficult few months of being a new mom, and I learned so much patience, resilience, and confidence from you. I will always carry those valuable lessons with me and try to apply them in everything I do. I am so proud that you are my mom.
Happy Mother's Day,
Sarah
I missed you on Mother's Day. I kept having the urge to pick up the phone to dial your number, but I kept having to remind myself that you weren't there to answer. I know that we had plans to go pick out some flowers last year, but we never had the chance. John took me to Al's and we picked out some Gerber daisies for you. I made you a really neat flower pot before Christmas so I will have to plant them in there for you! John and Hudson sure spoiled me too. I got to go out to brunch with "my boys" and John's parents, and it was so nice! I also got to take a shopping trip all by myself and then just relax. Hudson and John also made me a "World's Greatest Mom" trophy from scratch in the shop. I loved it. Mother's Day has a whole new meaning to me now. I always loved spoiling you every May, but now I realize how much you needed it. You did so much for Amy and I growing up. I know that sometimes you doubted yourself, but you were such an amazing mother. I have learned so much from you, and especially over the past few months have I realized just how many of your great qualities I have inherited. You taught me to work hard and be proud of what I have accomplished, no matter how much I enjoyed doing it. You taught me to stand up for myself and to not settle for being treated poorly. You taught me honesty, integrity, and responsibility. You also taught me that my most valuable asset was my reputation, so to always take care of it and make sure I was trustworthy and dependable. I am surprised by how strong I have become since saying goodbye to you. I feel like somehow, during your passing, I inherited part of your role in the family. I just want you to know that I will always make sure that you are present in everything we do. I made sure to carry out Amy's surprise birthday party last weekend just like you were planning on doing, and I will also make sure that her wedding goes perfectly as well. She has tried to give me a hard time about it, but with the persistence that I know you would have had with her, I finally broke her down! I'm really struggling mom to make sure that Hudson's first birthday is as special as I know you would have made it for him. I know how excited you were to throw him a party, so I will do my best to make sure you are represented. I chose a Sesame Street theme because I have very vague memories of a Big Bird cake at my first birthday! Anyway mom, I just wanted to tell you that I have been thinking about you lately and wishing you were here. I'm very glad that you were with me through the difficult few months of being a new mom, and I learned so much patience, resilience, and confidence from you. I will always carry those valuable lessons with me and try to apply them in everything I do. I am so proud that you are my mom.
Happy Mother's Day,
Sarah
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