As I approach the 1-year mark of my mom's passing, a whole bunch of new emotions are flooding in. I vividly remember that day...and I haven't been able to shake those moments lately. It was Friday morning, October 21st, and I had just finished rocking my little 3-month-old son to sleep for the umteeth time. As I lay there awake in bed, staring at the ceiling in the early morning hours my phone rang. As I picked up the phone to answer it, I noticed that it was 4:10 am and wondered who was calling so early. The number on the caller ID said "Mom" so I knew it must be important. I was surprised to hear my step-dad's voice on the other end, but I can't even put on name on the feeling I had when I heard what he said, "Your mom passed away this morning." My brain just couldn't process it. I had just spoken to here right before bed the night before, just few hours ago! It was so silly too...just sent her a picture of Hudson's high chair and she told me that she couldn't wait for him to start eating solid foods! You would think your last conversation with someone would be more meaningful, but that was it. After I got off the phone, I just remember screaming, "What do I do!?" I really didn't know what people were supposed to do when they receive that kind of news. It was so early so I couldn't call anyone, and I wasn't sure if I just stay at home, was there a hospital I could go to? Should I go over to her house?! I mean, there has to be SOMETHING I can do to make this better! I just paced up and down the halls, nauseous and screaming and crying. The only thing that I could think of to do was go grab my sweet boy and rock him and hug him while I just cried.
The rest of the day was such a blur. People came over and everyone talked and cried and made phone calls. When Hudson was awake, I had to pretend to be happy and normal. I sang him his favorite song, "You are my Sunshine", but I couldn't get through it without bursting into tears. For months after, every time I got to the lines, "You'll never know dear, how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away" I would tear up. But I had to stay strong for Hudson and the rest of my family. I became the positive one and tried to make everyone else feel better. It helped me too I suppose, pretending like everything was okay. Eventually I started believing it myself. Unfortunately, the worst thing about losing someone so unexpectedly, is the constant reminders of unfinished business.
I had made my mom a birthday card with a picture of Hudson saying, "Happy Birthday Nana!" It was saved on my phone and ready to send out in a few weeks. When her birthday approached, I had to cancel that card. At Christmas, she had bought him some early gifts which he got to open, but he has since grown out of those toys and clothes, with nothing to replace them with. Mother's Day came around, and for the first time in my life, I really could really appreciate her on that day, since I was now a mom myself, but it was a constant reminder all day that I couldn't call her and tell her, "thank you." Hudson celebrated his first birthday in June and it killed me that she wasn't there. My birthday came and went, and I really missed our tradition of shopping together and getting new "school" clothes. And now, here we are, ready to embark an yet another year of being without her. My last day with my mom was the best kind of day you could have with someone. We enjoyed hay rides, finding the perfect pumpkins, eating kettle corn, taking pictures, and talking about the future with little baby Hudson. I so badly wanted to recreate that day with my family this year, but the rain is really putting a damper on things, and that is making me very sad. I also am having a hard time saying goodbye to the house that she and I put so much work into to make it a home. She was so excited for us to move into that rental, and she was there every day helping us paint, scrub floors, plant flowers, clean, and set everything up. She is in that house still. She is still sitting in the corner by the fireplace snuggling Hudson while I take a much needed nap. She is still in the backyard pulling weeds and telling me what each perennial will look like in the spring. She is still sitting on the couch eating pizza and sending pictures to everyone of her dinner date with Hudson. I don't want to leave those memories behind. I don't want anyone to paint over those walls, or pull out those plants, or put in new furniture. And I don't know how to bring her into this new house, how to have memories of her here.
It's just been a rough year, and although I have so many things to be thankful and grateful for, I just am still so lost without her here. The more time that passes, and the more changes that happen in my life, the farther I feel from her. I just wish she were here to help me thorough the hard times and celebrate the good ones too!
Friday, October 19, 2012
Tuesday, September 25, 2012
Balance
I am a firm believer that the universe, and God, try to keep a balance with things. Kind of like in science class, where we learned that "for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction," in life to I believe there is some form of balance. I don't think that there is any one person on earth that has all bad luck, nor is there someone that leads a perfect life. Granted, there are individuals who are certainly handed a more difficult situation, it is more about what you make of it. I have met some pretty incredible people who have had to deal with some pretty lousy stuff, but they don't let it ruin them. I have also met some people that run into difficult circumstances and they become the most rotten and self depreciating versions of themselves. It baffles me how two people handle the same set back in two totally different ways...or even more surprising is when someone getting cut off in traffic can ruin someone's day, yet there is someone else out there with some really huge hurdles to face, but is keeping a great attitude.
I'm not sure if this last really crummy year will turn around for me soon, of if this is the universe's way of balancing out a pretty charmed life so far. Either way, I really enjoy keeping a positive outlook on the future and what great possibilities lie ahead. I really do enjoy the daily reminders that even though in my small little chunk of the world, things seem really insurmountable, that I really am quite lucky to have what I have. I see other moms dealing with babies with special needs, and I kiss my healthy little boy. I see women out there with what seems like the perfect life, yet is dealing with a troubled marriage. And then I see super successful career women, yet they never see their families. It puts everything in perspective. Makes me feel silly for focusing on such trivial things.
The doctors at OHSU said that according to my 14-page questionnaire, I am "moderately depressed." I think that they are terribly misinformed. Anyone who knows me would never put the two words "Sarah" and "depressed" in the same sentence. I can't stand being melancholy over something I can't control. What is the point of ruining today if you can't change yesterday and you have no idea what tomorrow will bring? I don't want to waste my time on being sad or sorry for myself! I have a great life and things will get better :)
I'm not sure if this last really crummy year will turn around for me soon, of if this is the universe's way of balancing out a pretty charmed life so far. Either way, I really enjoy keeping a positive outlook on the future and what great possibilities lie ahead. I really do enjoy the daily reminders that even though in my small little chunk of the world, things seem really insurmountable, that I really am quite lucky to have what I have. I see other moms dealing with babies with special needs, and I kiss my healthy little boy. I see women out there with what seems like the perfect life, yet is dealing with a troubled marriage. And then I see super successful career women, yet they never see their families. It puts everything in perspective. Makes me feel silly for focusing on such trivial things.
The doctors at OHSU said that according to my 14-page questionnaire, I am "moderately depressed." I think that they are terribly misinformed. Anyone who knows me would never put the two words "Sarah" and "depressed" in the same sentence. I can't stand being melancholy over something I can't control. What is the point of ruining today if you can't change yesterday and you have no idea what tomorrow will bring? I don't want to waste my time on being sad or sorry for myself! I have a great life and things will get better :)
Friday, September 7, 2012
Lifesavers
It's been a rough week...physically, emotionally, and mentally! It's hard to stay positive when it seems like everything is going wrong at the same time!! I hate being depressed so I am going to try to find as many things in my life that make me happy:
1. My husband is absolutely my best friend and hugest supporter.
2. My son is the best gift God could have ever given me.
3. We just bought our first house and we are do excited!!
4. We have worked really hard to save money so we can make our new home look and feel so nice.
5. I love that I have the opportunity to find my perfect career, and work in the meantime doing what I love!
6. Going on walks is so relaxing and totally clears my head!
7. I have the greatest network of friends and family to support me.
8. I am so happy that we have food on our table every night, health insurance, and a stable life.
9. I am grateful that God gave me the ability to think positively and not get stuck in bad moods...they are a waste of time.
10. I am excited for the holidays coming up and celebrating, being cheerful, and appreciating life!
1. My husband is absolutely my best friend and hugest supporter.
2. My son is the best gift God could have ever given me.
3. We just bought our first house and we are do excited!!
4. We have worked really hard to save money so we can make our new home look and feel so nice.
5. I love that I have the opportunity to find my perfect career, and work in the meantime doing what I love!
6. Going on walks is so relaxing and totally clears my head!
7. I have the greatest network of friends and family to support me.
8. I am so happy that we have food on our table every night, health insurance, and a stable life.
9. I am grateful that God gave me the ability to think positively and not get stuck in bad moods...they are a waste of time.
10. I am excited for the holidays coming up and celebrating, being cheerful, and appreciating life!
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
New challenges
As I near the 1-year mark of my mom's passing, I am surprised about how well I am doing. In some ways it has become a little more manageable, and in other ways, I'm missing her even more. But I had no idea at the time that all of this happened, that one day I would be able to wake up each morning and actually be able to function. Her passing is the single most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with in my entire life. These kinds of events really put things into perspective and remind you that everything else in life is so trivial and benign. This new way of dealing with life has really helped me through another very difficult transition:
On Friday, April 13th at around 5:30 pm I was at the stove cooking dinner when my right ear suddenly became full like I was in an airplane or on a steep hill and it just needed to pop. As I continued to cook, I kept poking my ear, massaging my neck, yawning...everything that I would normally do when my ear was plugged. Nothing made that feeling go away. When John got home from work, I mentioned it at dinner and he thought that it was really weird that it wouldn't pop! Over the next few days I continued to try to get it to pop. I tried flushing it out with water, sticking q-tips in there, and sleeping on that ear to see if I could get it to drain. My regular doctor had cleaned that some ear out a few months prior when it was clogged and making me dizzy, so I tried to make an appointment with her to see what she thought. I wasn't able to get in to see her and John kept urging me to go to Urgent Care. By this time it had been about 5 days, and even though I thought going to urgent care over a plugged ear was silly, I went. At about this same time, I also started to hear a mild "white noise" in the plugged ear too! Well, the nurse at urgent care thought that I might have some fluid behind the ear drum from a cold, and told me it would go away after I started feeling better. She also told me to see an ear specialist too, just because I had problems with this ear before, and maybe I would need tubes or something to help it drain. As I waited almost another week for my ear to drain and to see the ENT, nothing improved.
My first appointment with the ENT started out pretty normal, by this time my cold had turned into a full blown sinus congestion and headache mess, so I figured he would diagnose me with some infection and send me home with some pills to clear everything up. Well, he did say I had a virus, but he also said that the virus may also have done some minor damage to my inner ear and wanted me to do a hearing test. This was kind of shocking, but after the hearing test, he did say that I had minor hearing loss due to the virus and that an intense course of oral steroids would be the first step in stopping the damage from getting worse. He also recommended that I get a CT scan to rule out a tumor causing the hearing loss. Over the next 16 days, I was really starting to worry. I knew that the chances of me having a tumor were so slim, but I also thought about how much my family had already been through, and we couldn't handle any more bad news. After the longest 2 weeks of my life, a tumor was finally ruled out as the cause, but the steroids had not helped and my hearing loss had gotten worse. The "white noise" that I had been hearing was diagnosed as Tinnitus, and it was becoming increasingly loud as the hearing was diminishing. Our next step of action was to inject the steroids into my ear canal through my ear drum. My doctor hoped that having the steroid sit on the nerves back there would help stop the virus from damaging my ear even more.
The first injection was relatively painless (although I did pass out from the mere thought and sensation of someone sticking a needle through my eardrum). A few weeks later we did a second injection, and this one hurt a lot more! Soon after, I was in so much pain that I called desperate for some help, and it turned out the needle had left a large scab on my eardrum and every time I laughed or coughed or breathed or swallowed or yawned or ANYTHING it would stretch and tear and cause excruciating pain! On top of all of this happening, my hearing was only getting worse, and my tinnitus louder. Adding to all of that, was anew, quite debilitating symptom...vertigo.
Finally I listened to some family members and went for a second opinion, and this doctor offered a new, more treatable diagnosis. Meniers Disease! This disease has to do with water retention and can affect some of the glands in the ear and cause hearing loss, tinnitus, and vertigo. Yay!! I went home with some new hope, some new meds, and a diet to follow. After a few weeks though, with no improvement, and some nagging feeling telling me that I had a false sense of hope, we came to the conclusion that the first doctor was more accurate with his diagnosis. My symptoms were not aligned with Meneirs Disease as I had hoped. But by this point, both doctors were out of options and advice, and my hearing had reached the "profound" level of loss. I was simply sent home with the "live with it" attitude.
For months I tried my hardest to stay positive, to remember that there are other people out there with much worse diagnosis and dealing with much harder struggles. I had learned to live with other disabilities in my life, such as my lack of vision out of my right eye, but this sudden onset was making it very hard to adjust. The tinnitus gets so loud and distracting in noisy environments, that I can't even participate in conversations or have a good time. I get headaches from my brain working so hard to overcome the jet engine in my right ear and having to discern all of the sounds in my left ear. It is hard to describe what happens to your hearing when lose function on one side, but I am no longer able to locate where sounds are coming from (such as when someone calls my name from another room or in a busy location) and I turn in circles as they keep repeating my name so I can locate where the sound is coming from! Also, now that I can only hear from my left side, EVERY SINGLE SOUND has to be processed by that ear! Imagine half of a bust highway being shut down, and now all of the traffic is being diverted down to the open lanes...it is a mess. Even when someone is talking directly into my good ear, it is still hard to separate their voice from all of the other nonsense happening around me. I fell so left out of social situations because I can't participate in the conversation as well, or I have to keep asking, "what?!" a million times!
Finally, I found a tinnitus clinic at OHSU that could possibly help with reducing my tinnitus so at least I didn't have to deal with that when trying to function in my daily life. But alas, after forking over almost $700 out of pocket, the therapy was frustrating at best, and in order to continue, I would have to purchase a hearing aid. The only bright side was having the tinnitus specialist say, "that is really loud" when we were working on matching the sound of my tinnitus. I finally have some validation that I am indeed hearing this obnoxious sound 24/7 and that it is indeed freakishly loud!
So now, I guess I am going to have to be my own advocate. I am finding some support networks and trying to find out how I can get used to this new reality and move forward. I know deep down, that compared to life's other huge struggles, this is pretty minor, but it is definitely something that I never imagined I would have to deal with, and something that is bringing me down. I do enjoy making fun of myself and the funny things I encounter with my new disability though. It makes it a little more manageable knowing that it can make others laugh :)
On Friday, April 13th at around 5:30 pm I was at the stove cooking dinner when my right ear suddenly became full like I was in an airplane or on a steep hill and it just needed to pop. As I continued to cook, I kept poking my ear, massaging my neck, yawning...everything that I would normally do when my ear was plugged. Nothing made that feeling go away. When John got home from work, I mentioned it at dinner and he thought that it was really weird that it wouldn't pop! Over the next few days I continued to try to get it to pop. I tried flushing it out with water, sticking q-tips in there, and sleeping on that ear to see if I could get it to drain. My regular doctor had cleaned that some ear out a few months prior when it was clogged and making me dizzy, so I tried to make an appointment with her to see what she thought. I wasn't able to get in to see her and John kept urging me to go to Urgent Care. By this time it had been about 5 days, and even though I thought going to urgent care over a plugged ear was silly, I went. At about this same time, I also started to hear a mild "white noise" in the plugged ear too! Well, the nurse at urgent care thought that I might have some fluid behind the ear drum from a cold, and told me it would go away after I started feeling better. She also told me to see an ear specialist too, just because I had problems with this ear before, and maybe I would need tubes or something to help it drain. As I waited almost another week for my ear to drain and to see the ENT, nothing improved.
My first appointment with the ENT started out pretty normal, by this time my cold had turned into a full blown sinus congestion and headache mess, so I figured he would diagnose me with some infection and send me home with some pills to clear everything up. Well, he did say I had a virus, but he also said that the virus may also have done some minor damage to my inner ear and wanted me to do a hearing test. This was kind of shocking, but after the hearing test, he did say that I had minor hearing loss due to the virus and that an intense course of oral steroids would be the first step in stopping the damage from getting worse. He also recommended that I get a CT scan to rule out a tumor causing the hearing loss. Over the next 16 days, I was really starting to worry. I knew that the chances of me having a tumor were so slim, but I also thought about how much my family had already been through, and we couldn't handle any more bad news. After the longest 2 weeks of my life, a tumor was finally ruled out as the cause, but the steroids had not helped and my hearing loss had gotten worse. The "white noise" that I had been hearing was diagnosed as Tinnitus, and it was becoming increasingly loud as the hearing was diminishing. Our next step of action was to inject the steroids into my ear canal through my ear drum. My doctor hoped that having the steroid sit on the nerves back there would help stop the virus from damaging my ear even more.
The first injection was relatively painless (although I did pass out from the mere thought and sensation of someone sticking a needle through my eardrum). A few weeks later we did a second injection, and this one hurt a lot more! Soon after, I was in so much pain that I called desperate for some help, and it turned out the needle had left a large scab on my eardrum and every time I laughed or coughed or breathed or swallowed or yawned or ANYTHING it would stretch and tear and cause excruciating pain! On top of all of this happening, my hearing was only getting worse, and my tinnitus louder. Adding to all of that, was anew, quite debilitating symptom...vertigo.
Finally I listened to some family members and went for a second opinion, and this doctor offered a new, more treatable diagnosis. Meniers Disease! This disease has to do with water retention and can affect some of the glands in the ear and cause hearing loss, tinnitus, and vertigo. Yay!! I went home with some new hope, some new meds, and a diet to follow. After a few weeks though, with no improvement, and some nagging feeling telling me that I had a false sense of hope, we came to the conclusion that the first doctor was more accurate with his diagnosis. My symptoms were not aligned with Meneirs Disease as I had hoped. But by this point, both doctors were out of options and advice, and my hearing had reached the "profound" level of loss. I was simply sent home with the "live with it" attitude.
For months I tried my hardest to stay positive, to remember that there are other people out there with much worse diagnosis and dealing with much harder struggles. I had learned to live with other disabilities in my life, such as my lack of vision out of my right eye, but this sudden onset was making it very hard to adjust. The tinnitus gets so loud and distracting in noisy environments, that I can't even participate in conversations or have a good time. I get headaches from my brain working so hard to overcome the jet engine in my right ear and having to discern all of the sounds in my left ear. It is hard to describe what happens to your hearing when lose function on one side, but I am no longer able to locate where sounds are coming from (such as when someone calls my name from another room or in a busy location) and I turn in circles as they keep repeating my name so I can locate where the sound is coming from! Also, now that I can only hear from my left side, EVERY SINGLE SOUND has to be processed by that ear! Imagine half of a bust highway being shut down, and now all of the traffic is being diverted down to the open lanes...it is a mess. Even when someone is talking directly into my good ear, it is still hard to separate their voice from all of the other nonsense happening around me. I fell so left out of social situations because I can't participate in the conversation as well, or I have to keep asking, "what?!" a million times!
Finally, I found a tinnitus clinic at OHSU that could possibly help with reducing my tinnitus so at least I didn't have to deal with that when trying to function in my daily life. But alas, after forking over almost $700 out of pocket, the therapy was frustrating at best, and in order to continue, I would have to purchase a hearing aid. The only bright side was having the tinnitus specialist say, "that is really loud" when we were working on matching the sound of my tinnitus. I finally have some validation that I am indeed hearing this obnoxious sound 24/7 and that it is indeed freakishly loud!
So now, I guess I am going to have to be my own advocate. I am finding some support networks and trying to find out how I can get used to this new reality and move forward. I know deep down, that compared to life's other huge struggles, this is pretty minor, but it is definitely something that I never imagined I would have to deal with, and something that is bringing me down. I do enjoy making fun of myself and the funny things I encounter with my new disability though. It makes it a little more manageable knowing that it can make others laugh :)
Friday, July 13, 2012
Motivation
Mom, I don't know if you were watching, but we celebrated you this last week and it was so inspiring to see how much impact you had on so many people, and how missed you are. I feel so lucky that your memory is not lost on us, and that no matter where I turn, there is always someone there who can laugh and reminisce with me about you and your life. I hate how it took you leaving for all of this to come about, but I can see how many changes that are happening in your honor. I'm sure you didn't plan on leaving such a legacy, or expecting such a big turn-out in celebrating your life and your career, but just know that you deserve every bit of it. Your life has inspired me so much to keep pushing on and staying committed to the things that are important to me. I know that not everything in your life was always great, and you faced many obstacles, but you never gave up and you were always doing anything and everything to make it better for yourself and for your family. You worked your butt off and you sacrificed so much for other people. I now understand all that you did for those around you that you cared about. I face struggles in my life too, and I try to channel your strength and your perseverance and drive. I know that you would never accept failure or excuses and you were the first one to step-up and do whatever it took to succeed, no matter how much you didn't feel like it. You were rewarded in the end by being able to share your life with someone who brought you so much happiness, and being able to see the successes that you raised in your children. You are such an inspiration to me mom. I really wish you were still here cheering me on through my struggles, but I will have to just look above for my strength and guidance. I really miss you mom, but know that I am continuing to live my life to make you proud, and I will work very hard to make sure I live up to the woman you raised me to be.
I need something from you though mom. It breaks my heart every time I think about the fact that Hudson will never know your laugh, or see you smile at him, or feel your hug. I am trying so hard to be at peace with this, but I don't know how to accept it. What I am asking is that instead of being here physically for him, please watch over him from Heaven. Please keep him safe and happy, and please give him all of the hugs and smiles you can from up there. I am praying for the day he says "Nana" for the first time, as I know that little gift will be from you. I hope he learns how wonderful you were from the rest of us, but I know it won't be the same. He would have adored you, and I am so sad that he was robbed of such an amazing person in his life.
Love you mom,
Sarah
I need something from you though mom. It breaks my heart every time I think about the fact that Hudson will never know your laugh, or see you smile at him, or feel your hug. I am trying so hard to be at peace with this, but I don't know how to accept it. What I am asking is that instead of being here physically for him, please watch over him from Heaven. Please keep him safe and happy, and please give him all of the hugs and smiles you can from up there. I am praying for the day he says "Nana" for the first time, as I know that little gift will be from you. I hope he learns how wonderful you were from the rest of us, but I know it won't be the same. He would have adored you, and I am so sad that he was robbed of such an amazing person in his life.
Love you mom,
Sarah
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Happy Mother's Day Mom!
Dear mom,
I missed you on Mother's Day. I kept having the urge to pick up the phone to dial your number, but I kept having to remind myself that you weren't there to answer. I know that we had plans to go pick out some flowers last year, but we never had the chance. John took me to Al's and we picked out some Gerber daisies for you. I made you a really neat flower pot before Christmas so I will have to plant them in there for you! John and Hudson sure spoiled me too. I got to go out to brunch with "my boys" and John's parents, and it was so nice! I also got to take a shopping trip all by myself and then just relax. Hudson and John also made me a "World's Greatest Mom" trophy from scratch in the shop. I loved it. Mother's Day has a whole new meaning to me now. I always loved spoiling you every May, but now I realize how much you needed it. You did so much for Amy and I growing up. I know that sometimes you doubted yourself, but you were such an amazing mother. I have learned so much from you, and especially over the past few months have I realized just how many of your great qualities I have inherited. You taught me to work hard and be proud of what I have accomplished, no matter how much I enjoyed doing it. You taught me to stand up for myself and to not settle for being treated poorly. You taught me honesty, integrity, and responsibility. You also taught me that my most valuable asset was my reputation, so to always take care of it and make sure I was trustworthy and dependable. I am surprised by how strong I have become since saying goodbye to you. I feel like somehow, during your passing, I inherited part of your role in the family. I just want you to know that I will always make sure that you are present in everything we do. I made sure to carry out Amy's surprise birthday party last weekend just like you were planning on doing, and I will also make sure that her wedding goes perfectly as well. She has tried to give me a hard time about it, but with the persistence that I know you would have had with her, I finally broke her down! I'm really struggling mom to make sure that Hudson's first birthday is as special as I know you would have made it for him. I know how excited you were to throw him a party, so I will do my best to make sure you are represented. I chose a Sesame Street theme because I have very vague memories of a Big Bird cake at my first birthday! Anyway mom, I just wanted to tell you that I have been thinking about you lately and wishing you were here. I'm very glad that you were with me through the difficult few months of being a new mom, and I learned so much patience, resilience, and confidence from you. I will always carry those valuable lessons with me and try to apply them in everything I do. I am so proud that you are my mom.
Happy Mother's Day,
Sarah
I missed you on Mother's Day. I kept having the urge to pick up the phone to dial your number, but I kept having to remind myself that you weren't there to answer. I know that we had plans to go pick out some flowers last year, but we never had the chance. John took me to Al's and we picked out some Gerber daisies for you. I made you a really neat flower pot before Christmas so I will have to plant them in there for you! John and Hudson sure spoiled me too. I got to go out to brunch with "my boys" and John's parents, and it was so nice! I also got to take a shopping trip all by myself and then just relax. Hudson and John also made me a "World's Greatest Mom" trophy from scratch in the shop. I loved it. Mother's Day has a whole new meaning to me now. I always loved spoiling you every May, but now I realize how much you needed it. You did so much for Amy and I growing up. I know that sometimes you doubted yourself, but you were such an amazing mother. I have learned so much from you, and especially over the past few months have I realized just how many of your great qualities I have inherited. You taught me to work hard and be proud of what I have accomplished, no matter how much I enjoyed doing it. You taught me to stand up for myself and to not settle for being treated poorly. You taught me honesty, integrity, and responsibility. You also taught me that my most valuable asset was my reputation, so to always take care of it and make sure I was trustworthy and dependable. I am surprised by how strong I have become since saying goodbye to you. I feel like somehow, during your passing, I inherited part of your role in the family. I just want you to know that I will always make sure that you are present in everything we do. I made sure to carry out Amy's surprise birthday party last weekend just like you were planning on doing, and I will also make sure that her wedding goes perfectly as well. She has tried to give me a hard time about it, but with the persistence that I know you would have had with her, I finally broke her down! I'm really struggling mom to make sure that Hudson's first birthday is as special as I know you would have made it for him. I know how excited you were to throw him a party, so I will do my best to make sure you are represented. I chose a Sesame Street theme because I have very vague memories of a Big Bird cake at my first birthday! Anyway mom, I just wanted to tell you that I have been thinking about you lately and wishing you were here. I'm very glad that you were with me through the difficult few months of being a new mom, and I learned so much patience, resilience, and confidence from you. I will always carry those valuable lessons with me and try to apply them in everything I do. I am so proud that you are my mom.
Happy Mother's Day,
Sarah
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Milestones...
I used to love celebrating milestones. Christmases, birthdays, anniversaries, vacations...but lately I have had to celebrate some pretty hard ones. I had to celebrate my mom's birthday without her in November, we had to celebrate Christmas with the whole family without her. We had to leaver her behind in 2011 when we celebrated the new year. Hudson learned to eat solid food, sit up, stand, grew some teeth, and now he is working on walking. Each time something new and exciting happens in my life, I have to celebrate it in one side of my heart and mourn that my mom doesn't get to experience it in the other. Today marks 6 months since the morning that I lost her, and I can't say that I have even completely grasped that she is gone. It still takes me a second to do a double take when I think I see her car on the road, or look at the back of a woman's head and think that might be her. It's funny what your mind does when you miss someone so badly...they start appearing everywhere you go.
Her number is still in my phone and her Facebook page always shows "online". Technology makes everyone so reachable, and maybe that is why I am having such a hard time not being able to contact her. I remember not long after she passed, my step-father found a small dog collar among her things. We spent a few days trying to figure out why she had that dog collar...did she buy it for Chewy or Crouton? Or maybe Lollie? I almost just blurted out, "Why don't we just call her and ask?" I guess we will never know. Those have been some of the roughest moments. Those hit-you-like-a-truck moments when you realize that this is real, and its permanent. It's also hard when I realize that the rest of the world keeps turning, when mine has come to a complete stop. The stupid weather report comes on every morning even though I couldn't really care less. People talk about Kim Kardashian and Justin Beiber like they are something special, and I wish that the world was able to realize what was really special. New tragedies happen and people are moving on to mourn with someone new. People have stopped asking how I am doing. I don't necessarily mind not being the topic of conversation, but I do miss being able to talk about her. Everyone mourns differently, and maybe people assume that it is too hard to talk about, but honestly, I am the happiest when I am talking about her. I love her. Every time Hudson falls down and bumps his head, while is sit with him and snuggle him until he feels better, I try to imagine her doing the same thing to me 27 years ago. Every time I am waiting with my students at parent pick-up time and a child runs across the gym screaming with joy as their grandma picks them up, I think of her. Every time that I am at my wits end, and I could really use her comfort and advice, I miss her. I really don't think any amount of time is going to make those feelings go away. I worry that I will continue to see her for the rest of my life, and have to remind myself over and over that she is gone. Sometimes I feel like I am in a horribly depressing version of Groundhog Day.
In the next few weeks I will celebrate my first Mother's Day as a mom, as well as my first Mother's Day without a mom. It will be a horribly bittersweet day, and I'm not sure how I am going to handle it. I will also be celebrating Hudson's first birthday, which my mom had been excited about being a part of even before he was born. I will try hard to make it fun, even though her absence will be extremely difficult. I am just so thankful to have my sister who is going through this with me, my step-dad who reminds me of how happy she was in those last few years, my son who keeps me positive and looking forward to each new day, my husband who is the most understanding and helpful man possible, and my in-laws who make sure that I have a good support system. Without them, I know that I would be absolutely lost.
I am going to celebrate Hudson's first SUNNY trip to the zoo today and think of my mom often :) I know she is shining down on us !
Love you,
Sarah
Her number is still in my phone and her Facebook page always shows "online". Technology makes everyone so reachable, and maybe that is why I am having such a hard time not being able to contact her. I remember not long after she passed, my step-father found a small dog collar among her things. We spent a few days trying to figure out why she had that dog collar...did she buy it for Chewy or Crouton? Or maybe Lollie? I almost just blurted out, "Why don't we just call her and ask?" I guess we will never know. Those have been some of the roughest moments. Those hit-you-like-a-truck moments when you realize that this is real, and its permanent. It's also hard when I realize that the rest of the world keeps turning, when mine has come to a complete stop. The stupid weather report comes on every morning even though I couldn't really care less. People talk about Kim Kardashian and Justin Beiber like they are something special, and I wish that the world was able to realize what was really special. New tragedies happen and people are moving on to mourn with someone new. People have stopped asking how I am doing. I don't necessarily mind not being the topic of conversation, but I do miss being able to talk about her. Everyone mourns differently, and maybe people assume that it is too hard to talk about, but honestly, I am the happiest when I am talking about her. I love her. Every time Hudson falls down and bumps his head, while is sit with him and snuggle him until he feels better, I try to imagine her doing the same thing to me 27 years ago. Every time I am waiting with my students at parent pick-up time and a child runs across the gym screaming with joy as their grandma picks them up, I think of her. Every time that I am at my wits end, and I could really use her comfort and advice, I miss her. I really don't think any amount of time is going to make those feelings go away. I worry that I will continue to see her for the rest of my life, and have to remind myself over and over that she is gone. Sometimes I feel like I am in a horribly depressing version of Groundhog Day.
In the next few weeks I will celebrate my first Mother's Day as a mom, as well as my first Mother's Day without a mom. It will be a horribly bittersweet day, and I'm not sure how I am going to handle it. I will also be celebrating Hudson's first birthday, which my mom had been excited about being a part of even before he was born. I will try hard to make it fun, even though her absence will be extremely difficult. I am just so thankful to have my sister who is going through this with me, my step-dad who reminds me of how happy she was in those last few years, my son who keeps me positive and looking forward to each new day, my husband who is the most understanding and helpful man possible, and my in-laws who make sure that I have a good support system. Without them, I know that I would be absolutely lost.
I am going to celebrate Hudson's first SUNNY trip to the zoo today and think of my mom often :) I know she is shining down on us !
Love you,
Sarah
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Consistently inconsistent...
So as many of you know, I struggle with being able to tune out all of the polarizing advice I receive as a mom, and try to trust my mom gut and do what I think is right for my little man. It has been a rough few weeks as Hudson is still not sleeping through the night at 9 months old, and I am desperately trying to figure out what he needs. I have since stopped nursing after bedtime at his pediatricians advice, but he is still waking up just wanting to be held and attended to. I know that whatever I decided to do, I need to remain consistent, but how can I do that if his sleep patterns are so inconsistent!?! Since we began cutting out his nighttime feeding(s) we have done an altered version of the cry it out, and just gone into his room at night when he cries, wrapping him up, patting his back, and leaving the room. We have done that about every 15 minutes until he falls asleep. That used to happen once a night and last about an hour to an hour and a half. Then it was happening twice a night...then ALL NIGHT!! And then once John and I are at the end of our rope, he sleeps 11 hours straight without waking up once!! Then the next night it is back to the old routine...UGH!!
I am trying to hard to be consistent, and I want so badly to do what is best for Hudson, but I don't know what that is! Is it best for him for me to be strong and teach him to sleep because I know he needs it? Or is it best for me to attend to him and rock with him when he is sad and upset?? Last night was the worst ever. At the advice of a family member with several children of her own, we let Hudson cry for a little longer than usual in expectation that he would just fall back asleep on his own without our constant interventions. So instead of checking on him every 15-20 minutes, we let him cry for an hour! So from 12:00 midnight until 1:00 am, I let him wail. It was so heart wrenching. He didn't let up. So at 1:00 am I went in, wiped his nose and bounced him until he calmed down, then wrapped him back up and put him back down. He stayed quiet for about 10 minutes and then was back to wailing again. At 2:00 am I went back in, gave him a drink of water, then wrapped him back up again and put him back down. The crying got softer for a few minutes, but then it was back to the wailing.
At 2:30 am, after listening to my poor baby cry for 2 and a 1/2 hours, I had it! I walked out to the living room and sat in the dark and just begged my mom to tell me what to do. I closed my eyes and I asked her to give me some insight as to what Hudson needed, because I just wanted to be a good mom. I was trying to be consistent and strong, but I was failing. I sat there for a few minutes, watching the baby monitor lights go crazy, and I just wished more than anything that my mom was there to comfort me and tell me everything was okay. I wish she was there to give me a hug and make me feel better. I just wanted to be with her so bad, and I missed her so much. As I sat there in the dark crying, it finally hit me. That is how she was telling me what to do. Here I was, crying on the couch for my mom, and my poor son was in his room crying for his. OMG. He just wanted to be with me. He missed me. He wanted me to comfort him and tell him it will all be okay. He wanted me to give him a hug and make him feel better. Screw being consistent. I walked into his room. Grabbed my poor sobbing baby, wiped his nose, gave him a drink of water, and held him against me until he fell asleep. Then I carried him into my room and slept next to him for the rest of the night until Daddy's alarm went off in the morning waking all of us up. It wasn't the best sleep I have ever had, because I was on mommy patrol all night making sure he was snoozing safely next to me, but I woke up happy.
I may have just messed up all of the work I have done over the past few weeks by giving in, but it obviously wasn't working anyway. I'm not sure what the next few nights are going to look like for us, but I'm sure I'll figure it out. I need to remember that I know best, and whatever I do that seems to work and make everyone happy will just have to do. This won't last forever, right??
I am trying to hard to be consistent, and I want so badly to do what is best for Hudson, but I don't know what that is! Is it best for him for me to be strong and teach him to sleep because I know he needs it? Or is it best for me to attend to him and rock with him when he is sad and upset?? Last night was the worst ever. At the advice of a family member with several children of her own, we let Hudson cry for a little longer than usual in expectation that he would just fall back asleep on his own without our constant interventions. So instead of checking on him every 15-20 minutes, we let him cry for an hour! So from 12:00 midnight until 1:00 am, I let him wail. It was so heart wrenching. He didn't let up. So at 1:00 am I went in, wiped his nose and bounced him until he calmed down, then wrapped him back up and put him back down. He stayed quiet for about 10 minutes and then was back to wailing again. At 2:00 am I went back in, gave him a drink of water, then wrapped him back up again and put him back down. The crying got softer for a few minutes, but then it was back to the wailing.
At 2:30 am, after listening to my poor baby cry for 2 and a 1/2 hours, I had it! I walked out to the living room and sat in the dark and just begged my mom to tell me what to do. I closed my eyes and I asked her to give me some insight as to what Hudson needed, because I just wanted to be a good mom. I was trying to be consistent and strong, but I was failing. I sat there for a few minutes, watching the baby monitor lights go crazy, and I just wished more than anything that my mom was there to comfort me and tell me everything was okay. I wish she was there to give me a hug and make me feel better. I just wanted to be with her so bad, and I missed her so much. As I sat there in the dark crying, it finally hit me. That is how she was telling me what to do. Here I was, crying on the couch for my mom, and my poor son was in his room crying for his. OMG. He just wanted to be with me. He missed me. He wanted me to comfort him and tell him it will all be okay. He wanted me to give him a hug and make him feel better. Screw being consistent. I walked into his room. Grabbed my poor sobbing baby, wiped his nose, gave him a drink of water, and held him against me until he fell asleep. Then I carried him into my room and slept next to him for the rest of the night until Daddy's alarm went off in the morning waking all of us up. It wasn't the best sleep I have ever had, because I was on mommy patrol all night making sure he was snoozing safely next to me, but I woke up happy.
I may have just messed up all of the work I have done over the past few weeks by giving in, but it obviously wasn't working anyway. I'm not sure what the next few nights are going to look like for us, but I'm sure I'll figure it out. I need to remember that I know best, and whatever I do that seems to work and make everyone happy will just have to do. This won't last forever, right??
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Submarine mom...
I recently read an article that was discussing the danger of being a helicopter parent, and it introduced a new term that I could really relate to, which was a "submarine parent". These moms and dads stay out of sight (figuratively) and let their children feel independent and self assured, but if they were ever in trouble, the submarine parent would swoop in and help out. My mom was a submarine mom. I just never realized until now that I was such a good swimmer because I knew she was there to save me if I drowned.
I had mentioned to my mom not long after Hudson was born how much I was looking forward to her being a role model for him and teaching him all of the great life lessons that she taught me. I definitely had a unique childhood growing up with two parents working in law enforcement. The topic of guns, drugs, arrests, abuse, and criminal behavior were openly discussed (at appropriate levels of course). I felt like I learned some street smarts from her, and the unattractive reality of some of my peers' behaviors. I was able to rise above most of the pressures that my generation faced and I felt like I came out of it with a lot of integrity and self-assurance. She also instilled in my my work ethic, my sense of right and wrong, my strength and resilience, and of course, my dashing good looks :)
As I go each day without her as a confidant, a mentor, a listener, and an inspiration, I have to try and imagine what she would be saying and advising me to do. I am trying to navigate my new role as a wife, as a mom, and as a strong willed and eager woman trying to find my place in my career. I would like nothing more than to emulate her success in life and to find myself in such a happy place when I reach the top. I never really understood why people would reference their lost loved ones in times of change and reflect on how they would feel about it, but I often find myself asking, "What would my mom say about this?" I hope that she would be proud. I hope that she is looking down and thinking that I am doing a good job despite my stumbles, and I know she is somehow guiding me through the times that I need her. Each day I get a little deeper in the pool of self reliance, and trust myself a little more. I may not have her there anymore to catch me when I sink, but I feel like she equipped me with some life preservers to hold onto if I need them.
In conclusion, here are some things I would like my son, Hudson, to learn about life from me, so that if he ever has to swim on his own, I know he will make it:
1. Learn how to accept responsibility for your own actions, and consider how they affect others
2. Be strong in your beliefs, but respect others'
3. Failure is okay, but make sure you learn from it
4. Be trustworthy
5. Be proud of everything you do
6. Know who and what is important in life, and treat them well
7. Focus on the positives in life, and change or forget everything else
8. Keep trying new things even if they seem hard or way too out of reach
9. Always expect the best out of the people around you; know your worth and don't settle
10. Make people proud of you
I had mentioned to my mom not long after Hudson was born how much I was looking forward to her being a role model for him and teaching him all of the great life lessons that she taught me. I definitely had a unique childhood growing up with two parents working in law enforcement. The topic of guns, drugs, arrests, abuse, and criminal behavior were openly discussed (at appropriate levels of course). I felt like I learned some street smarts from her, and the unattractive reality of some of my peers' behaviors. I was able to rise above most of the pressures that my generation faced and I felt like I came out of it with a lot of integrity and self-assurance. She also instilled in my my work ethic, my sense of right and wrong, my strength and resilience, and of course, my dashing good looks :)
As I go each day without her as a confidant, a mentor, a listener, and an inspiration, I have to try and imagine what she would be saying and advising me to do. I am trying to navigate my new role as a wife, as a mom, and as a strong willed and eager woman trying to find my place in my career. I would like nothing more than to emulate her success in life and to find myself in such a happy place when I reach the top. I never really understood why people would reference their lost loved ones in times of change and reflect on how they would feel about it, but I often find myself asking, "What would my mom say about this?" I hope that she would be proud. I hope that she is looking down and thinking that I am doing a good job despite my stumbles, and I know she is somehow guiding me through the times that I need her. Each day I get a little deeper in the pool of self reliance, and trust myself a little more. I may not have her there anymore to catch me when I sink, but I feel like she equipped me with some life preservers to hold onto if I need them.
In conclusion, here are some things I would like my son, Hudson, to learn about life from me, so that if he ever has to swim on his own, I know he will make it:
1. Learn how to accept responsibility for your own actions, and consider how they affect others
2. Be strong in your beliefs, but respect others'
3. Failure is okay, but make sure you learn from it
4. Be trustworthy
5. Be proud of everything you do
6. Know who and what is important in life, and treat them well
7. Focus on the positives in life, and change or forget everything else
8. Keep trying new things even if they seem hard or way too out of reach
9. Always expect the best out of the people around you; know your worth and don't settle
10. Make people proud of you
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Dear Mom,
Dear Mom,
I remember the year that you sent Amy and I Halloween cards in the mail, and tucked inside were several small sheets of Halloween themed stickers. This was when I was fully grown and somewhere in my journey of going to college and working, but getting those silly little stickers completely made my day. I still have those stickers. Throughout the years I would randomly get little notes and gifts from you, and they always brought a little--no, a huge--smile to my face. One day it was a text to look outside my front door, and there was a Christmas doormat and a tin of fresh baked cookies. I always felt so loved when you did those things. They reminded me how much Amy and I meant to you. I also loved those random weekday lunches for no reason at all, just to chat. Most of all though, I just loved being around you. Even when I was "too cool" to hang out with my parents, I would drop any plans I had to be able to go hang out with you. I miss calling you. I miss sending you pictures of the silly little things Hudson is doing. I miss watching you snuggle with him in that big cozy chair in the corner, while you give me a break to get stuff done. I miss you baking me cookies. I miss the squirt gun fights, and the surprise silly string ambushes. I miss the birthday trips to the mall to get new clothes. I miss you sprucing up my garden and telling me what I needed to plant. I miss the camping trips, and the spontaneous drives out on the beach. I miss you dropping my my house unannounced.
I miss you.
What kills me the most though mom, is that while I get to look back on these memories and remember you, my little baby boy is missing out on all of this. I know that he won't really ever understand what he is missing, but I so badly wish he could have felt the love for him that I know you would have shared. I wish that he got the chance to build memories with you and share all of these crazy and fun experiences he could only do with you. I feel like I am grieving twice. Once for the loss of you as my mom, and once for you as the loss of the greatest Nana to ever live. I will try to be creative over the years and imagine what kinds of spontaneous adventures you would take him on, and do my best attempt to re-create them. I just want him to grow up feeling as loved and as lucky as I did.
I remember the year that you sent Amy and I Halloween cards in the mail, and tucked inside were several small sheets of Halloween themed stickers. This was when I was fully grown and somewhere in my journey of going to college and working, but getting those silly little stickers completely made my day. I still have those stickers. Throughout the years I would randomly get little notes and gifts from you, and they always brought a little--no, a huge--smile to my face. One day it was a text to look outside my front door, and there was a Christmas doormat and a tin of fresh baked cookies. I always felt so loved when you did those things. They reminded me how much Amy and I meant to you. I also loved those random weekday lunches for no reason at all, just to chat. Most of all though, I just loved being around you. Even when I was "too cool" to hang out with my parents, I would drop any plans I had to be able to go hang out with you. I miss calling you. I miss sending you pictures of the silly little things Hudson is doing. I miss watching you snuggle with him in that big cozy chair in the corner, while you give me a break to get stuff done. I miss you baking me cookies. I miss the squirt gun fights, and the surprise silly string ambushes. I miss the birthday trips to the mall to get new clothes. I miss you sprucing up my garden and telling me what I needed to plant. I miss the camping trips, and the spontaneous drives out on the beach. I miss you dropping my my house unannounced.
I miss you.
What kills me the most though mom, is that while I get to look back on these memories and remember you, my little baby boy is missing out on all of this. I know that he won't really ever understand what he is missing, but I so badly wish he could have felt the love for him that I know you would have shared. I wish that he got the chance to build memories with you and share all of these crazy and fun experiences he could only do with you. I feel like I am grieving twice. Once for the loss of you as my mom, and once for you as the loss of the greatest Nana to ever live. I will try to be creative over the years and imagine what kinds of spontaneous adventures you would take him on, and do my best attempt to re-create them. I just want him to grow up feeling as loved and as lucky as I did.
Friday, February 3, 2012
Things that make me crazy...
There are 3 things (among many) that drive me absolutely crazy: movie endings that suck, diving into something new when I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing, and fear of the unknown.
I hate wasting 2 hours of my life watching a movie and absorbing myself into the storyline and getting to know the characters, just so I can be horribly disappointed at the end when everything is left unresolved or I am left feeling sad and depressed. My perfect ending always leaves the man and woman falling in love, the world being saved, and everyone learns a lesson and lives happily ever after. Maybe that is why I am trying so desperately hard to tie a pretty little bow on this horrible situation. I'm searching for something positive to end this chapter of my life on, and while I do a pretty good job making it look like I've got it all figured out, I am horribly lost. That leads me to the second thing I hate...
I have held down 2 main types of jobs in my life: food service and child care. Those are two things I am good at so I stick with them. While I do like embarking on new adventures in my life, I have terrible anxiety when I am placed in a new situation where I have no idea what I am doing, and very little guidance. I have always just stuck to the familiar so that I can have the ability to look and feel like I am in control. Talking with my counselor over the last few months has really made me realize how much I actually depend on that sense of control. When I feel lost or unsure about what to do or how to act, I panic. In reaction to this, I create this "fake it till you make it" persona where I talk some big game about how I've got it all together, in hopes that if I say it enough, I'll start believing it. But of course as soon as any tiny stressor tips my scale, I completely fall apart. I avoid things that are unpleasant or not fun, and live in my happy little world of denial. In this perfect little world of mine, I can make big plans for the future and convince myself and everyone else that everything will work out and be okay. And that prevents me from having to face my third fear...
Whenever I am asked what superpower I would choose to have if I could, I always say that I wish I had the ability to see into the future. Then I could make sure that every decision I make is the right one, and always know how everything is going to turn out. I get so frustrated when I have to wait and see if something is going to work out, and I often waste a lot of time, energy, and sanity worrying about whether I am doing something correctly, or making the right decision. I so badly want to fast forward to when I can be at peace with everything that has happened, and to be able to know that I will be okay. I want to make sure that I am being a good mom, that I am taking advantage of this time spent at home with my son, that I will eventually get a job and be a good teacher a still a good mom, and that all of the hard stuff I am going through will get better.
So now I will lay my crazy head down to sleep, because my crazy son needs his crazy mom to be crazy with tomorrow...and I'm crazy about him :)
I hate wasting 2 hours of my life watching a movie and absorbing myself into the storyline and getting to know the characters, just so I can be horribly disappointed at the end when everything is left unresolved or I am left feeling sad and depressed. My perfect ending always leaves the man and woman falling in love, the world being saved, and everyone learns a lesson and lives happily ever after. Maybe that is why I am trying so desperately hard to tie a pretty little bow on this horrible situation. I'm searching for something positive to end this chapter of my life on, and while I do a pretty good job making it look like I've got it all figured out, I am horribly lost. That leads me to the second thing I hate...
I have held down 2 main types of jobs in my life: food service and child care. Those are two things I am good at so I stick with them. While I do like embarking on new adventures in my life, I have terrible anxiety when I am placed in a new situation where I have no idea what I am doing, and very little guidance. I have always just stuck to the familiar so that I can have the ability to look and feel like I am in control. Talking with my counselor over the last few months has really made me realize how much I actually depend on that sense of control. When I feel lost or unsure about what to do or how to act, I panic. In reaction to this, I create this "fake it till you make it" persona where I talk some big game about how I've got it all together, in hopes that if I say it enough, I'll start believing it. But of course as soon as any tiny stressor tips my scale, I completely fall apart. I avoid things that are unpleasant or not fun, and live in my happy little world of denial. In this perfect little world of mine, I can make big plans for the future and convince myself and everyone else that everything will work out and be okay. And that prevents me from having to face my third fear...
Whenever I am asked what superpower I would choose to have if I could, I always say that I wish I had the ability to see into the future. Then I could make sure that every decision I make is the right one, and always know how everything is going to turn out. I get so frustrated when I have to wait and see if something is going to work out, and I often waste a lot of time, energy, and sanity worrying about whether I am doing something correctly, or making the right decision. I so badly want to fast forward to when I can be at peace with everything that has happened, and to be able to know that I will be okay. I want to make sure that I am being a good mom, that I am taking advantage of this time spent at home with my son, that I will eventually get a job and be a good teacher a still a good mom, and that all of the hard stuff I am going through will get better.
So now I will lay my crazy head down to sleep, because my crazy son needs his crazy mom to be crazy with tomorrow...and I'm crazy about him :)
Friday, January 13, 2012
Thank God for 3 am feedings...
At about 3 months old, Hudson started sleeping through the night. 12 hours of total, uninterrupted sleep!! I knew how lucky I was and it was awful fun to "brag" about! Of course, as with all babies, that did not last long and now I am eating crow. For a good solid 4-6 weeks after that he was waking all through the night and I was so at the end of my rope! Luckily, thanks to his two teeth finally coming in, and the discovery of infant Tylenol, we are now to only one wake up per night, which usually falls between 1 and 3am. Now most moms would not consider a 6.5 month old still waking up to eat "lucky", but I really enjoy that quiet time each morning with my baby boy, and the time it gives me to reflect without distraction on things my mind wonders to.
This was my 3am thought yesterday morning...
Nothing is permanent anymore. If you don't like a tattoo, you can get it lasered off. If you loose a limb, you can get a prosthesis. Don't like who you married? Get a divorce. I have grown up in the culture of instant gratification and being able to solve any problem I have with a few keystrokes. Maybe that is why I am having such a hard time wrapping my brain around this "death" idea. I keep wanting to say, "Okay God, I learned my lesson, bring her back now!" But unfortunately, I think I found the one thing in this world that is still permanent. And it baffles me even further that something so huge, so life-changing, and so "timeline altering" could happen so quickly and unexpectedly. It is weird how many "near misses" we have in life. John doesn't like the term, near miss though, because you DID miss, it should actually be near hit. Think about all of the near hits you have had, and then try to wrap your mind around the fact that you may not even be aware of how many near hits you have had!! I can guarantee that my mom was not looking forward to having to wake up at 3am that morning to go to work a special assignment. But I bet that she would have much rather woken up. On the other hand though, if she had woken up for work that morning, she would have never even considered what the other possibility could have been, which was not waking up. Would she have appreciated that day on earth? Probably not, it was a day at work and she was tired! This whole scenario reminds me of It's a Wonderful Life and A Christmas Carol. When the characters get to see what life would be like without them, or what things could be different. If you were given the opportunity to wake up at 3am, or not wake up at all, what would you choose?
Thank you God for those 3 am feedings. For allowing me to wake up to another day with my son and my husband. Thank you for allowing me to make it to work safely, and for a nice warm house to come home to. And thank you for allowing all of my friends and family the opportunity to wake up way too early as well.
This was my 3am thought yesterday morning...
Nothing is permanent anymore. If you don't like a tattoo, you can get it lasered off. If you loose a limb, you can get a prosthesis. Don't like who you married? Get a divorce. I have grown up in the culture of instant gratification and being able to solve any problem I have with a few keystrokes. Maybe that is why I am having such a hard time wrapping my brain around this "death" idea. I keep wanting to say, "Okay God, I learned my lesson, bring her back now!" But unfortunately, I think I found the one thing in this world that is still permanent. And it baffles me even further that something so huge, so life-changing, and so "timeline altering" could happen so quickly and unexpectedly. It is weird how many "near misses" we have in life. John doesn't like the term, near miss though, because you DID miss, it should actually be near hit. Think about all of the near hits you have had, and then try to wrap your mind around the fact that you may not even be aware of how many near hits you have had!! I can guarantee that my mom was not looking forward to having to wake up at 3am that morning to go to work a special assignment. But I bet that she would have much rather woken up. On the other hand though, if she had woken up for work that morning, she would have never even considered what the other possibility could have been, which was not waking up. Would she have appreciated that day on earth? Probably not, it was a day at work and she was tired! This whole scenario reminds me of It's a Wonderful Life and A Christmas Carol. When the characters get to see what life would be like without them, or what things could be different. If you were given the opportunity to wake up at 3am, or not wake up at all, what would you choose?
Thank you God for those 3 am feedings. For allowing me to wake up to another day with my son and my husband. Thank you for allowing me to make it to work safely, and for a nice warm house to come home to. And thank you for allowing all of my friends and family the opportunity to wake up way too early as well.
Sunday, January 8, 2012
Instict Parenting
So I read an article that a friend of mine had posted on Facebook about the "dangers" of letting your baby cry-it-out. They had all of these scientists and parenting experts talking about how you can forever screw up your kid and that they will grow up and be anti-social and riddled with anxiety and poor relationships.
Hmmmm....
Well, I guess Hudson is going to be a screwed up kid according to them! I prefer to be an "Instinctual Parent". I don't know if I just made that term up or if it exists somewhere out there in some parenting manual, but I think that God gave us mothers (and fathers) instincts for a reason: to use them. I drove myself to absolute insanity the first few weeks after Hudson was born, reading every article and book, trying every possible method of getting him to sleep, and all it did was make me feel like an absolute failure as a mother. I don't know who cried more those first few months...Hudson or me!! But luckily I had one of those no-nonsense moms who told me to suck it up and do whatever works! And so began my discovery and experimentation with "instinctual parenting".
I don't follow anyone's rules. Hudson and I are rebels. He sleeps on his tummy and loves it. Sometimes he sleeps through the night, and sometimes we wake up to eat and snuggle. Sometimes he falls asleep in my arms, and sometimes he will fuss and cry for 10 minutes before he nods off. Sometimes we let him cry for a while, and sometimes I can't help but go "rescue" him. I figure he was born into this family, so the greatest gift I can give him is to let him become accustomed to it as soon as possible :)
But in the end, he is always smiling ear-to-ear when I wake him up, he loves to laugh and play with everyone, he is so well behaved in public, and he eats and naps like a champ :) Take that Dr. Sears!!!
There are still times (like last night) where I wish there was someone sitting on my shoulder telling me what to do, but then I think of my mom saying, "Sarah, just do what you feel is right." It's nice having her there to call upon at 1 in the morning!
Hmmmm....
Well, I guess Hudson is going to be a screwed up kid according to them! I prefer to be an "Instinctual Parent". I don't know if I just made that term up or if it exists somewhere out there in some parenting manual, but I think that God gave us mothers (and fathers) instincts for a reason: to use them. I drove myself to absolute insanity the first few weeks after Hudson was born, reading every article and book, trying every possible method of getting him to sleep, and all it did was make me feel like an absolute failure as a mother. I don't know who cried more those first few months...Hudson or me!! But luckily I had one of those no-nonsense moms who told me to suck it up and do whatever works! And so began my discovery and experimentation with "instinctual parenting".
I don't follow anyone's rules. Hudson and I are rebels. He sleeps on his tummy and loves it. Sometimes he sleeps through the night, and sometimes we wake up to eat and snuggle. Sometimes he falls asleep in my arms, and sometimes he will fuss and cry for 10 minutes before he nods off. Sometimes we let him cry for a while, and sometimes I can't help but go "rescue" him. I figure he was born into this family, so the greatest gift I can give him is to let him become accustomed to it as soon as possible :)
But in the end, he is always smiling ear-to-ear when I wake him up, he loves to laugh and play with everyone, he is so well behaved in public, and he eats and naps like a champ :) Take that Dr. Sears!!!
There are still times (like last night) where I wish there was someone sitting on my shoulder telling me what to do, but then I think of my mom saying, "Sarah, just do what you feel is right." It's nice having her there to call upon at 1 in the morning!
Thursday, January 5, 2012
How lucky am I...
"How lucky am I to have something that makes it so hard to say goodbye" -Winnie the Pooh
It's hard for me, and I know many others, to understand why God would choose to take someone so wonderful and valuable from the world. My pastor at church explained it perfectly when he suggested that it is not always God's will or choice to "take" someone, as if He had it planned, but more so that He is there for you when bad stuff does happen. Like one of those moments where there are only one set of footprints in the sand. I like that idea better. It didn't ever make sense to me that out of all of the people on this earth to "take" he would choose someone so irreplaceable, so needed, and so full of un-done plans. It is comforting knowing that He is just as sad as we are that she is gone, but so happy to give her everything she ever wanted, but couldn't have on earth!
It is also very healing for me to remember that if I am going to "blame" God for all of the bad things in my life, I also have to thank him for all of the good. Because he is either responsible for everything, or nothing. So here is a list of things that I am very grateful for:
-Waking up healthy and full of energy every morning
-Bringing my soul mate John into my life
-Blessing us with the most gorgeous son imaginable
-Providing me with a great support system of friends and loved ones
-Helping me find my true calling in life, being a teacher
-Giving me a kind and loving spirit to help others
-Allowing me the opportunity to see the positives, even when nothing is going right
-27 outstanding years being the daughter of the coolest mom in history
There are so many things to be thankful for, and so many people that still rely on me to be the same Sarah I always have been. I enjoy being the "rock" of the family that makes sure everyone else is doing okay, and is taken care of. I know my mom was that way, and I am happy to follow in her footsteps!
It's hard for me, and I know many others, to understand why God would choose to take someone so wonderful and valuable from the world. My pastor at church explained it perfectly when he suggested that it is not always God's will or choice to "take" someone, as if He had it planned, but more so that He is there for you when bad stuff does happen. Like one of those moments where there are only one set of footprints in the sand. I like that idea better. It didn't ever make sense to me that out of all of the people on this earth to "take" he would choose someone so irreplaceable, so needed, and so full of un-done plans. It is comforting knowing that He is just as sad as we are that she is gone, but so happy to give her everything she ever wanted, but couldn't have on earth!
It is also very healing for me to remember that if I am going to "blame" God for all of the bad things in my life, I also have to thank him for all of the good. Because he is either responsible for everything, or nothing. So here is a list of things that I am very grateful for:
-Waking up healthy and full of energy every morning
-Bringing my soul mate John into my life
-Blessing us with the most gorgeous son imaginable
-Providing me with a great support system of friends and loved ones
-Helping me find my true calling in life, being a teacher
-Giving me a kind and loving spirit to help others
-Allowing me the opportunity to see the positives, even when nothing is going right
-27 outstanding years being the daughter of the coolest mom in history
There are so many things to be thankful for, and so many people that still rely on me to be the same Sarah I always have been. I enjoy being the "rock" of the family that makes sure everyone else is doing okay, and is taken care of. I know my mom was that way, and I am happy to follow in her footsteps!
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
On losing control...
One of my biggest pet peeves is people who are flaky...late, cancel plans at the last minute, don't follow through, leave early, blah blah blah. It just grates my nerves when people are disrespectful of other peoples' time and energy. Well, I have come to the realization that I may be slipping into flake-dom.
My schedule is no longer mine. I relish the days when I was able to pick-up a last minute sub job, go to happy hour after work with my friends, plop myself down on the couch to catch up on my DVR, meet my sister for lunch...even just take a long relaxing shower! Everything runs on "Hudson Time" now. I have to plan lunch dates before breakfast, to make sure Hudson is napped and fed before we leave, I have to plan sub jobs well in advance to make sure I have a sitter, and then get up at 4:45 am in order to get the both of us ready and delivered to where we need to be, and I am often late or not even there at all to events. I feel like part of me, the Sarah that everyone could count on and depend on, is gone now. My anxiety about nap-time, lunch-time, and bed-time is making me into a recluse that finds it hard to work up the energy to leave the house, but the extrovert in me deperately needs that! Finding a balance between being a good mom who keeps her baby on a scheduled routine, and having the flexibility to live my life and continue with my favorite activities is becoming very difficult.
I saw a complete turn around in my mom's personality after my sister and I left the house and she became re-married. I know a lot of her happieness came from her new life and freedom, but suddenly it hit me today that maybe the weight and resposibility of being a full-time mom and full-time cop was finally lifted when we left, and she finally got to be herself again!!!
I guess until Hudson moves out, "running late...", "gotta leave...", and "sorry, I can't make it..." will just have to be part of my vocabulary.
My schedule is no longer mine. I relish the days when I was able to pick-up a last minute sub job, go to happy hour after work with my friends, plop myself down on the couch to catch up on my DVR, meet my sister for lunch...even just take a long relaxing shower! Everything runs on "Hudson Time" now. I have to plan lunch dates before breakfast, to make sure Hudson is napped and fed before we leave, I have to plan sub jobs well in advance to make sure I have a sitter, and then get up at 4:45 am in order to get the both of us ready and delivered to where we need to be, and I am often late or not even there at all to events. I feel like part of me, the Sarah that everyone could count on and depend on, is gone now. My anxiety about nap-time, lunch-time, and bed-time is making me into a recluse that finds it hard to work up the energy to leave the house, but the extrovert in me deperately needs that! Finding a balance between being a good mom who keeps her baby on a scheduled routine, and having the flexibility to live my life and continue with my favorite activities is becoming very difficult.
I saw a complete turn around in my mom's personality after my sister and I left the house and she became re-married. I know a lot of her happieness came from her new life and freedom, but suddenly it hit me today that maybe the weight and resposibility of being a full-time mom and full-time cop was finally lifted when we left, and she finally got to be herself again!!!
I guess until Hudson moves out, "running late...", "gotta leave...", and "sorry, I can't make it..." will just have to be part of my vocabulary.
I have a lot to say and not enough people to listen
Is there a person in your life that you bug everyday, if not more, with the most random thoughts and ideas that paop in your head? a person that no matter what kind of advice they give you, it is always the right one? A person that you love to tell every exciting detail of your day, or the one you need to vent to on a bad day? That person was my mom. The thoughts in my head are beginning to pile up faster than a landfill in New York City. For the past few days, there have been so many ideas and pieces of information floating around that I can hardly focus on what I am doing. My counselor asked me what I do to "recharge" when things get crazy, and honestly I had nothing to say. It's hard being a stay-at-home mom and to find time to really do something that lifts me up. The whole that my mom has left in my life is larger than I could have ever imagined. I have been posting on her Facebook about things I would want to tell her, but unfortunatly, she hasn't logged on in a while. There must not be wi-fi in heaven. So, my counselor suggested I start a blog. I really don't know if anyone will ever read it, but at least I can get these thoughts out of my head and out there in cyberspace instead.
I promise my next post will be more coherent.
I promise my next post will be more coherent.
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