Milestones...

I used to love celebrating milestones. Christmases, birthdays, anniversaries, vacations...but lately I have had to celebrate some pretty hard ones. I had to celebrate my mom's birthday without her in November, we had to celebrate Christmas with the whole family without her. We had to leaver her behind in 2011 when we celebrated the new year. Hudson learned to eat solid food, sit up, stand, grew some teeth, and now he is working on walking. Each time something new and exciting happens in my life, I have to celebrate it in one side of my heart and mourn that my mom doesn't get to experience it in the other. Today marks 6 months since the morning that I lost her, and I can't say that I have even completely grasped that she is gone. It still takes me a second to do a double take when I think I see her car on the road, or look at the back of a woman's head and think that might be her. It's funny what your mind does when you miss someone so badly...they start appearing everywhere you go.

Her number is still in my phone and her Facebook page always shows "online". Technology makes everyone so reachable, and maybe that is why I am having such a hard time not being able to contact her. I remember not long after she passed, my step-father found a small dog collar among her things. We spent a few days trying to figure out why she had that dog collar...did she buy it for Chewy or Crouton? Or maybe Lollie? I almost just blurted out, "Why don't we just call her and ask?" I guess we will never know. Those have been some of the roughest moments. Those hit-you-like-a-truck moments when you realize that this is real, and its permanent. It's also hard when I realize that the rest of the world keeps turning, when mine has come to a complete stop. The stupid weather report comes on every morning even though I couldn't really care less. People talk about Kim Kardashian and Justin Beiber like they are something special, and I wish that the world was able to realize what was really special. New tragedies happen and people are moving on to mourn with someone new. People have stopped asking how I am doing. I don't necessarily mind not being the topic of conversation, but I do miss being able to talk about her. Everyone mourns differently, and maybe people assume that it is too hard to talk about, but honestly, I am the happiest when I am talking about her. I love her. Every time Hudson falls down and bumps his head, while is sit with him and snuggle him until he feels better, I try to imagine her doing the same thing to me 27 years ago. Every time I am waiting with my students at parent pick-up time and a child runs across the gym screaming with joy as their grandma picks them up, I think of her. Every time that I am at my wits end, and I could really use her comfort and advice, I miss her. I really don't think any amount of time is going to make those feelings go away. I worry that I will continue to see her for the rest of my life, and have to remind myself over and over that she is gone. Sometimes I feel like I am in a horribly depressing version of Groundhog Day.

In the next few weeks I will celebrate my first Mother's Day as a mom, as well as my first Mother's Day without a mom. It will be a horribly bittersweet day, and I'm not sure how I am going to handle it. I will also be celebrating Hudson's first birthday, which my mom had been excited about being a part of even before he was born. I will try hard to make it fun, even though her absence will be extremely difficult. I am just so thankful to have my sister who is going through this with me, my step-dad who reminds me of how happy she was in those last few years, my son who keeps me positive and looking forward to each new day, my husband who is the most understanding and helpful man possible, and my in-laws who make sure that I have a good support system. Without them, I know that I would be absolutely lost.

I am going to celebrate Hudson's first SUNNY trip to the zoo today and think of my mom often :) I know she is shining down on us !

Love you,
Sarah