Submarine mom...

I recently read an article that was discussing the danger of being a helicopter parent, and it introduced a new term that I could really relate to, which was a "submarine parent". These moms and dads stay out of sight (figuratively) and let their children feel independent and self assured, but if they were ever in trouble, the submarine parent would swoop in and help out. My mom was a submarine mom. I just never realized until now that I was such a good swimmer because I knew she was there to save me if I drowned.

I had mentioned to my mom not long after Hudson was born how much I was looking forward to her being a role model for him and teaching him all of the great life lessons that she taught me. I definitely had a unique childhood growing up with two parents working in law enforcement. The topic of guns, drugs, arrests, abuse, and criminal behavior were openly discussed (at appropriate levels of course). I felt like I learned some street smarts from her, and the unattractive reality of some of my peers' behaviors. I was able to rise above most of the pressures that my generation faced and I felt like I came out of it with a lot of integrity and self-assurance. She also instilled in my my work ethic, my sense of right and wrong, my strength and resilience, and of course, my dashing good looks :)

As I go each day without her as a confidant, a mentor, a listener, and an inspiration, I have to try and imagine what she would be saying and advising me to do. I am trying to navigate my new role as a wife, as a mom, and as a strong willed and eager woman trying to find my place in my career. I would like nothing more than to emulate her success in life and to find myself in such a happy place when I reach the top. I never really understood why people would reference their lost loved ones in times of change and reflect on how they would feel about it, but I often find myself asking, "What would my mom say about this?" I hope that she would be proud. I hope that she is looking down and thinking that I am doing a good job despite my stumbles, and I know she is somehow guiding me through the times that I need her. Each day I get a little deeper in the pool of self reliance, and trust myself a little more. I may not have her there anymore to catch me when I sink, but I feel like she equipped me with some life preservers to hold onto if I need them.

In conclusion, here are some things I would like my son, Hudson, to learn about life from me, so that if he ever has to swim on his own, I know he will make it:

1. Learn how to accept responsibility for your own actions, and consider how they affect others
2. Be strong in your beliefs, but respect others'
3. Failure is okay, but make sure you learn from it
4. Be trustworthy
5. Be proud of everything you do
6. Know who and what is important in life, and treat them well
7. Focus on the positives in life, and change or forget everything else
8. Keep trying new things even if they seem hard or way too out of reach
9. Always expect the best out of the people around you; know your worth and don't settle
10. Make people proud of you

Dear Mom,

Dear Mom,

I remember the year that you sent Amy and I Halloween cards in the mail, and tucked inside were several small sheets of Halloween themed stickers. This was when I was fully grown and somewhere in my journey of going to college and working, but getting those silly little stickers completely made my day. I still have those stickers. Throughout the years I would randomly get little notes and gifts from you, and they always brought a little--no, a huge--smile to my face. One day it was a text to look outside my front door, and there was a Christmas doormat and a tin of fresh baked cookies. I always felt so loved when you did those things. They reminded me how much Amy and I meant to you. I also loved those random weekday lunches for no reason at all, just to chat. Most of all though, I just loved being around you. Even when I was "too cool" to hang out with my parents, I would drop any plans I had to be able to go hang out with you. I miss calling you. I miss sending you pictures of the silly little things Hudson is doing. I miss watching you snuggle with him in that big cozy chair in the corner, while you give me a break to get stuff done. I miss you baking me cookies. I miss the squirt gun fights, and the surprise silly string ambushes. I miss the birthday trips to the mall to get new clothes. I miss you sprucing up my garden and telling me what I needed to plant. I miss the camping trips, and the spontaneous drives out on the beach. I miss you dropping my my house unannounced.

I miss you.

What kills me the most though mom, is that while I get to look back on these memories and remember you, my little baby boy is missing out on all of this. I know that he won't really ever understand what he is missing, but I so badly wish he could have felt the love for him that I know you would have shared. I wish that he got the chance to build memories with you and share all of these crazy and fun experiences he could only do with you. I feel like I am grieving twice. Once for the loss of you as my mom, and once for you as the loss of the greatest Nana to ever live. I will try to be creative over the years and imagine what kinds of spontaneous adventures you would take him on, and do my best attempt to re-create them. I just want him to grow up feeling as loved and as lucky as I did.

Things that make me crazy...

There are 3 things (among many) that drive me absolutely crazy: movie endings that suck, diving into something new when I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing, and fear of the unknown.

I hate wasting 2 hours of my life watching a movie and absorbing myself into the storyline and getting to know the characters, just so I can be horribly disappointed at the end when everything is left unresolved or I am left feeling sad and depressed. My perfect ending always leaves the man and woman falling in love, the world being saved, and everyone learns a lesson and lives happily ever after. Maybe that is why I am trying so desperately hard to tie a pretty little bow on this horrible situation. I'm searching for something positive to end this chapter of my life on, and while I do a pretty good job making it look like I've got it all figured out, I am horribly lost. That leads me to the second thing I hate...

I have held down 2 main types of jobs in my life: food service and child care. Those are two things I am good at so I stick with them. While I do like embarking on new adventures in my life, I have terrible anxiety when I am placed in a new situation where I have no idea what I am doing, and very little guidance. I have always just stuck to the familiar so that I can have the ability to look and feel like I am in control. Talking with my counselor over the last few months has really made me realize how much I actually depend on that sense of control. When I feel lost or unsure about what to do or how to act, I panic. In reaction to this, I create this "fake it till you make it" persona where I talk some big game about how I've got it all together, in hopes that if I say it enough, I'll start believing it. But of course as soon as any tiny stressor tips my scale, I completely fall apart. I avoid things that are unpleasant or not fun, and live in my happy little world of denial. In this perfect little world of mine, I can make big plans for the future and convince myself and everyone else that everything will work out and be okay. And that prevents me from having to face my third fear...

Whenever I am asked what superpower I would choose to have if I could, I always say that I wish I had the ability to see into the future. Then I could make sure that every decision I make is the right one, and always know how everything is going to turn out. I get so frustrated when I have to wait and see if something is going to work out, and I often waste a lot of time, energy, and sanity worrying about whether I am doing something correctly, or making the right decision. I so badly want to fast forward to when I can be at peace with everything that has happened, and to be able to know that I will be okay. I want to make sure that I am being a good mom, that I am taking advantage of this time spent at home with my son, that I will eventually get a job and be a good teacher a still a good mom, and that all of the hard stuff I am going through will get better.

So now I will lay my crazy head down to sleep, because my crazy son needs his crazy mom to be crazy with tomorrow...and I'm crazy about him :)