Thank God for 3 am feedings...

At about 3 months old, Hudson started sleeping through the night. 12 hours of total, uninterrupted sleep!! I knew how lucky I was and it was awful fun to "brag" about! Of course, as with all babies, that did not last long and now I am eating crow. For a good solid 4-6 weeks after that he was waking all through the night and I was so at the end of my rope! Luckily, thanks to his two teeth finally coming in, and the discovery of infant Tylenol, we are now to only one wake up per night, which usually falls between 1 and 3am. Now most moms would not consider a 6.5 month old still waking up to eat "lucky", but I really enjoy that quiet time each morning with my baby boy, and the time it gives me to reflect without distraction on things my mind wonders to.

This was my 3am thought yesterday morning...

Nothing is permanent anymore. If you don't like a tattoo, you can get it lasered off. If you loose a limb, you can get a prosthesis. Don't like who you married? Get a divorce. I have grown up in the culture of instant gratification and being able to solve any problem I have with a few keystrokes. Maybe that is why I am having such a hard time wrapping my brain around this "death" idea. I keep wanting to say, "Okay God, I learned my lesson, bring her back now!" But unfortunately, I think I found the one thing in this world that is still permanent. And it baffles me even further that something so huge, so life-changing, and so "timeline altering" could happen so quickly and unexpectedly. It is weird how many "near misses" we have in life. John doesn't like the term, near miss though, because you DID miss, it should actually be near hit. Think about all of the near hits you have had, and then try to wrap your mind around the fact that you may not even be aware of how many near hits you have had!! I can guarantee that my mom was not looking forward to having to wake up at 3am that morning to go to work a special assignment. But I bet that she would have much rather woken up. On the other hand though, if she had woken up for work that morning, she would have never even considered what the other possibility could have been, which was not waking up. Would she have appreciated that day on earth? Probably not, it was a day at work and she was tired! This whole scenario reminds me of It's a Wonderful Life and A Christmas Carol. When the characters get to see what life would be like without them, or what things could be different. If you were given the opportunity to wake up at 3am, or not wake up at all, what would you choose?

Thank you God for those 3 am feedings. For allowing me to wake up to another day with my son and my husband. Thank you for allowing me to make it to work safely, and for a nice warm house to come home to. And thank you for allowing all of my friends and family the opportunity to wake up way too early as well.

Instict Parenting

So I read an article that a friend of mine had posted on Facebook about the "dangers" of letting your baby cry-it-out. They had all of these scientists and parenting experts talking about how you can forever screw up your kid and that they will grow up and be anti-social and riddled with anxiety and poor relationships.

Hmmmm....

Well, I guess Hudson is going to be a screwed up kid according to them! I prefer to be an "Instinctual Parent". I don't know if I just made that term up or if it exists somewhere out there in some parenting manual, but I think that God gave us mothers (and fathers) instincts for a reason: to use them. I drove myself to absolute insanity the first few weeks after Hudson was born, reading every article and book, trying every possible method of getting him to sleep, and all it did was make me feel like an absolute failure as a mother. I don't know who cried more those first few months...Hudson or me!! But luckily I had one of those no-nonsense moms who told me to suck it up and do whatever works! And so began my discovery and experimentation with "instinctual parenting".

I don't follow anyone's rules. Hudson and I are rebels. He sleeps on his tummy and loves it. Sometimes he sleeps through the night, and sometimes we wake up to eat and snuggle. Sometimes he falls asleep in my arms, and sometimes he will fuss and cry for 10 minutes before he nods off. Sometimes we let him cry for a while, and sometimes I can't help but go "rescue" him. I figure he was born into this family, so the greatest gift I can give him is to let him become accustomed to it as soon as possible :)

But in the end, he is always smiling ear-to-ear when I wake him up, he loves to laugh and play with everyone, he is so well behaved in public, and he eats and naps like a champ :) Take that Dr. Sears!!!

There are still times (like last night) where I wish there was someone sitting on my shoulder telling me what to do, but then I think of my mom saying, "Sarah, just do what you feel is right." It's nice having her there to call upon at 1 in the morning!

How lucky am I...

"How lucky am I to have something that makes it so hard to say goodbye" -Winnie the Pooh

It's hard for me, and I know many others, to understand why God would choose to take someone so wonderful and valuable from the world. My pastor at church explained it perfectly when he suggested that it is not always God's will or choice to "take" someone, as if He had it planned, but more so that He is there for you when bad stuff does happen. Like one of those moments where there are only one set of footprints in the sand. I like that idea better. It didn't ever make sense to me that out of all of the people on this earth to "take" he would choose someone so irreplaceable, so needed, and so full of un-done plans. It is comforting knowing that He is just as sad as we are that she is gone, but so happy to give her everything she ever wanted, but couldn't have on earth!

It is also very healing for me to remember that if I am going to "blame" God for all of the bad things in my life, I also have to thank him for all of the good. Because he is either responsible for everything, or nothing. So here is a list of things that I am very grateful for:

-Waking up healthy and full of energy every morning
-Bringing my soul mate John into my life
-Blessing us with the most gorgeous son imaginable
-Providing me with a great support system of friends and loved ones
-Helping me find my true calling in life, being a teacher
-Giving me a kind and loving spirit to help others
-Allowing me the opportunity to see the positives, even when nothing is going right
-27 outstanding years being the daughter of the coolest mom in history

There are so many things to be thankful for, and so many people that still rely on me to be the same Sarah I always have been. I enjoy being the "rock" of the family that makes sure everyone else is doing okay, and is taken care of. I know my mom was that way, and I am happy to follow in her footsteps!

On losing control...

One of my biggest pet peeves is people who are flaky...late, cancel plans at the last minute, don't follow through, leave early, blah blah blah. It just grates my nerves when people are disrespectful of other peoples' time and energy. Well, I have come to the realization that I may be slipping into flake-dom.

My schedule is no longer mine. I relish the days when I was able to pick-up a last minute sub job, go to happy hour after work with my friends, plop myself down on the couch to catch up on my DVR, meet my sister for lunch...even just take a long relaxing shower! Everything runs on "Hudson Time" now. I have to plan lunch dates before breakfast, to make sure Hudson is napped and fed before we leave, I have to plan sub jobs well in advance to make sure I have a sitter, and then get up at 4:45 am in order to get the both of us ready and delivered to where we need to be, and I am often late or not even there at all to events. I feel like part of me, the Sarah that everyone could count on and depend on, is gone now. My anxiety about nap-time, lunch-time, and bed-time is making me into a recluse that finds it hard to work up the energy to leave the house, but the extrovert in me deperately needs that! Finding a balance between being a good mom who keeps her baby on a scheduled routine, and having the flexibility to live my life and continue with my favorite activities is becoming very difficult.

I saw a complete turn around in my mom's personality after my sister and I left the house and she became re-married. I know a lot of her happieness came from her new life and freedom, but suddenly it hit me today that maybe the weight and resposibility of being a full-time mom and full-time cop was finally lifted when we left, and she finally got to be herself again!!!

I guess until Hudson moves out, "running late...", "gotta leave...", and "sorry, I can't make it..." will just have to be part of my vocabulary.

I have a lot to say and not enough people to listen

Is there a person in your life that you bug everyday, if not more, with the most random thoughts and ideas that paop in your head? a person that no matter what kind of advice they give you, it is always the right one? A person that you love to tell every exciting detail of your day, or the one you need to vent to on a bad day? That person was my mom. The thoughts in my head are beginning to pile up faster than a landfill in New York City. For the past few days, there have been so many ideas and pieces of information floating around that I can hardly focus on what I am doing. My counselor asked me what I do to "recharge" when things get crazy, and honestly I had nothing to say. It's hard being a stay-at-home mom and to find time to really do something that lifts me up. The whole that my mom has left in my life is larger than I could have ever imagined. I have been posting on her Facebook about things I would want to tell her, but unfortunatly, she hasn't logged on in a while. There must not be wi-fi in heaven. So, my counselor suggested I start a blog. I really don't know if anyone will ever read it, but at least I can get these thoughts out of my head and out there in cyberspace instead.

I promise my next post will be more coherent.