1 year later...

As I approach the 1-year mark of my mom's passing, a whole bunch of new emotions are flooding in. I vividly remember that day...and I haven't been able to shake those moments lately. It was Friday morning, October 21st, and I had just finished rocking my little 3-month-old son to sleep for the umteeth time. As I lay there awake in bed, staring at the ceiling in the early morning hours my phone rang. As I picked up the phone to answer it, I noticed that it was 4:10 am and wondered who was calling so early. The number on the caller ID said "Mom" so I knew it must be important. I was surprised to hear my step-dad's voice on the other end, but I can't even put on name on the feeling I had when I heard what he said, "Your mom passed away this morning." My brain just couldn't process it. I had just spoken to here right before bed the night before, just few hours ago! It was so silly too...just sent her a picture of Hudson's high chair and she told me that she couldn't wait for him to start eating solid foods! You would think your last conversation with someone would be more meaningful, but that was it. After I got off the phone, I just remember screaming, "What do I do!?" I really didn't know what people were supposed to do when they receive that kind of news. It was so early so I couldn't call anyone, and I wasn't sure if I just stay at home, was there a hospital I could go to? Should I go over to her house?! I mean, there has to be SOMETHING I can do to make this better! I just paced up and down the halls, nauseous and screaming and crying. The only thing that I could think of to do was go grab my sweet boy and rock him and hug him while I just cried.

The rest of the day was such a blur. People came over and everyone talked and cried and made phone calls. When Hudson was awake, I had to pretend to be happy and normal. I sang him his favorite song, "You are my Sunshine", but I couldn't get through it without bursting into tears. For months after, every time I got to the lines, "You'll never know dear, how much I love you, please don't take my sunshine away" I would tear up. But I had to stay strong for Hudson and the rest of my family. I became the positive one and tried to make everyone else feel better. It helped me too I suppose, pretending like everything was okay. Eventually I started believing it myself. Unfortunately, the worst thing about losing someone so unexpectedly, is the constant reminders of unfinished business.

I had made my mom a birthday card with a picture of Hudson saying, "Happy Birthday Nana!" It was saved on my phone and ready to send out in a few weeks. When her birthday approached, I had to cancel that card. At Christmas, she had bought him some early gifts which he got to open, but he has since grown out of those toys and clothes, with nothing to replace them with. Mother's Day came around, and for the first time in my life, I really could really appreciate her on that day, since I was now a mom myself, but it was a constant reminder all day that I couldn't call her and tell her, "thank you." Hudson celebrated his first birthday in June and it killed me that she wasn't there. My birthday came and went, and I really missed our tradition of shopping together and getting new "school" clothes. And now, here we are, ready to embark an yet another year of being without her. My last day with my mom was the best kind of day you could have with someone. We enjoyed hay rides, finding the perfect pumpkins, eating kettle corn, taking pictures, and talking about the future with little baby Hudson. I so badly wanted to recreate that day with my family this year, but the rain is really putting a damper on things, and that is making me very sad. I also am having a hard time saying goodbye to the house that she and I put so much work into to make it a home. She was so excited for us to move into that rental, and she was there every day helping us paint, scrub floors, plant flowers, clean, and set everything up. She is in that house still. She is still sitting in the corner by the fireplace snuggling Hudson while I take a much needed nap. She is still in the backyard pulling weeds and telling me what each perennial will look like in the spring. She is still sitting on the couch eating pizza and sending pictures to everyone of her dinner date with Hudson. I don't want to leave those memories behind. I don't want anyone to paint over those walls, or pull out those plants, or put in new furniture. And I don't know how to bring her into this new house, how to have memories of her here.

It's just been a rough year, and although I have so many things to be thankful and grateful for, I just am still so lost without her here. The more time that passes, and the more changes that happen in my life, the farther I feel from her. I just wish she were here to help me thorough the hard times and celebrate the good ones too!