"There is no heartbeat."
Those are the words that every mother fears she will hear. I knew going into the doctor that day, that there was a possibility I might hear those words, but I didn't actually think that I would.
For a second I thought that I had imagined it. He really didn't say that. I can see Parker on the screen, he looks just fine. The nurse JUST told me that they heard the heartbeat! He is fine! My mind started racing while my breathing stopped.
Dr. Johnson went on to do some more measurements of Parker. He explained to me that everything was looking normal, and he was measuring at about 27 weeks along, which is what he expected. I remember when he looked at me, he had this really sad and pitiful look on his face. I didn't know it at the time, but this would be the face that all of the medical staff would give me over the next few days. All I could muster to say was, in a shaky voice, "Are you sure?"
"I could get a second opinion if you like. I could have an ultrasound technician come in here."
I looked at my son lying totally still on the ultrasound screen. No hiccupping, no kicking or touching his face, no flickering in his chest.
"No. I know my son. If he was alive, he would be moving."The rest of the visit in that exam room is really unclear. I remember the doctor giving me lots of information, asking me questions about what to do, and explaining to me what needed to happen next. All I remember clearly is the picture of a yellow flower that was hanging on the wall by the window. I kept staring at it while the doctor droned on in the background.
I was snapped out of my semi-unconscious state when the doctor asked, "When would you like to deliver him?"
I stuttered as I held back tears. "What do people usually do?"
"Well," he replied, "you could check in this afternoon and we can deliver him today. Or you can wait. I wouldn't wait more than two weeks though..." I can't remember the exact words that he used after that, but something about how his body would start going through the death process, and it could make me very sick if he stayed in there too long.
"Okay, I guess we will do it today? What do I do now? Where do I go?" I was really just in shock. I couldn't believe that just a few hours ago I was at work, teaching, pregnant, happy. Now I was about to deliver my baby 3 months early and then it would be all over.
"Is your husband here?" The doctor asked.
"No, he's at home with the relator. We are thinking of selling our house. I told him not to come."
"Would you like us to call him for you?" Dr. Johnson offered.
"No. I live just right down the road. I don't want him to hear this over the phone." CRAP! I told John that I would text him as soon as everything was alright. I'm sure he is going crazy right now. But I can't text him now. I will just have to wait.
At this point, I am dressed and upright. We decided that I will go straight home, gather my things, and check in when I was ready to be induced. Doctor Johnson opened the door of the exam room, and there was a nurse standing ready with a book titled, "When Hello Means Goodbye". A pamphlet for mothers about to give birth to a dead baby. As soon as I saw that, and the same sad pitiful look on her face, I burst into gigantic tears and gave this perfect stranger a hug. Right at that moment, the shock wore off and I realized that all of this was an awful reality that was actually happening. She held my sobbing body for a moment, and then escorted me out the backdoor of the office. None of the other blissfully pregnant women in the waiting room wanted to see a fellow mother sobbing uncontrollably. The nurse walked me down the hall, accompanied me in the elevator to the bottom floor, and silently escorted me outside.
"Are you sure you are okay?" She asked one more time.
"Yeah. I'm just right down the road." I said again. I walked through the parking lot to my car, the same car that we just got fixed after the accident that John was in on his way to our first ultrasound appointment. I drove the exact mile to our house, somehow staying composed enough to see through my tears, and onto our street. The relator's car was still parked in our driveway, so I parked on the curb across from our house. I imagined John inside, smiling and talking about what we might want in our new house. The house we would buy for our TWO kids. Our complete family. I couldn't just walk in, looking like I did and tell my husband the news. I sat in my car, staring at the house for a few minutes before I totally lost it again. I cried so hard that I thought I might pass out. I needed to DO something while I waited, so I dialed my mother in law's phone number. When she answered, I explained through my blubbering that I was sitting in my car, the relator was there, I needed to talk to John, I didn't know what to do...
"What Sarah? I don't understand what you are saying." She managed to get through my incoherent screaming.
I took a deep breath, and managed to get out, "Parker. We lost Parker."
"Oh, Sarah! I'll be right there!" She hung up and was on her way.
After what seemed like an eternity, our relator walked out to his car, got in, backed out, and was gone. I wiped the tears from my face, tried to prepare myself for what I was about to do, and got out of the car. John was waiting for me in the garage, and I don't know what he saw first...the tears that came streaming down my face again or me shaking my head side to side. He wrapped me in a hug and his tears wet my hair. "We have to go have him. Tonight." I told him. We spent a few more minutes in the garage together, while we tried to regain our composure for the completely innocent and unknowing 3-year-old who was sitting inside. I wanted to hold Hudson and hug him forever. I never before realized how lucky I was to have a completely ordinary and healthy little boy to snuggle and hold. Hudson was playing on his iPad as I asked him about his day and smiled at him though my tear stained eyes. I began texting my sister, trying to see if she was free to come over and sit with me. I didn't want to explain over text what was happening, but I needed her at my house right away. John started getting a few things together while I sat with Hudson. Not long after, Johns mom arrived, gave me several much needed hugs, and took my dear sweet boy home with her for an extended sleepover. Now it was just John and I, in an empty house, preparing to meet and say goodbye to our sweet baby. My sister came, and sat with me while I slowly built up my strength to head to the hospital.
As my sister was walking out the door to leave, asking me once more if I needed anything, I remembered that we have a dog that would need cared for as well. I quickly got a cage and some food together and once again, John and I were in an even emptier house. By this point, I had changed into some sweats and a maternity tee, and was ready to head to the hospital.
"Shouldn't you pack an overnight bag? Just in case we stay the night?" John asked.
"Oh yeah." I threw some deodorant, a toothbrush, some contact lenses and a change of clothes into a bag. "I sure hope this doesn't take that long." I said as we headed out the door to the hospital.
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