On Tuesday, June 24th, in my master bathroom all alone, I found out that I was pregnant. I was shocked, elated, nervous, scared and everything in between. John had already left for work, and my mind immediately went to how I was going to spill the great news! When I found out that I was pregnant with Hudson, totally unexpectedly, I was so dumbfounded that I just ran into the office and waved the positive pee stick in his face. I wanted this to be a little more special. At first I considered waiting for the weekend, so that we could go out to celebrate and enjoy the news together. But alas, I am far too impatient to wait 4 days to tell him. While I thought about how to tell my husband...I told my two best friends. John, if you are reading this, I'm sorry but Mollie and Lyndsay knew before you. Lyndsay was also pregnant, and she was due about a month before me! I later found out that two more friends from my moms group, John's best friend, and Hudson's preschool teacher were also due within a month. This was going to be AWESOME!! I would have all of these women to go through my pregnancy with, and our baby would instantly have a ton of playmates! By that evening, I had decided how I would tell John, but it would have to wait until the next morning...
We both woke up just like any regular morning. Took showers, got dressed, ate a quick breakfast, and woke Hudson up for the day. I was on summer vacation, so it was a little more leisurely than normal. While John was busy getting ready for work, I slipped the positive pregnancy test out of its hiding spot and snuck into Hudson's empty room. I made the bed and laid out a pair of jeans and a t-shirt that had been hiding in the closet. The t-shirt said, "Super Awesome Brother" and I had bought it a few weeks before in preparation for this day. Then I carefully slid the pregnancy test into the right front pocket of the jeans and scurried out as if nothing had happened. Then ever so calmly, I asked John, "Hey, would you go get Hudson dressed?" Of course he had to be a little sarcastic and reply, "Are you sure you trust me to pick out his clothes?!" to which I replied, "They are lying on his bed, just put them on." Secretly I followed him into Hudson's room with my cellphone video recorder on. I watched him head over to Hudson's bed, call him into his room while he looked over the clothes, pulled the pregnancy test out of the pocket, examined it, and spun around yelling, "Really?!" It was so awesome! I couldn't have asked for a better moment! Of course, John still had to go to work, and Hudson still had to go to preschool so we didn't get to celebrate, but it was an amazing moment. That weekend was Hudson's 3rd birthday party at Home Depot. Our secret was still ours, except for my two friends, and we were debating who and when we would tell next. Alas, once again, I have a really hard time keeping things to myself, so I told my step-father in front of my sister and my aunt, that he might have a "birthday buddy" coming in March! It took him a second to figure out what I was hinting at, but of course they were all so excited! At this point, I was barely even a few weeks along however, so it was all still so new and precarious. It felt weird to be telling people so soon, but I am an eternal optimist, so I didn't care.
I don't know when or how, but John and I nicknamed the baby, "Jujube". Since we didn't know if it was a boy or a girl, we just went with that cute moniker and it stuck. We lived in bliss for about a week, daydreaming about Jujube and beginning to plan every second of his/her future. On Wednesday, July 2nd I was woken up in the early morning hours by intense abdominal cramps. To anyone who is newly pregnant, and only about a month along, those can only signal one thing. I immediately rushed into the bathroom to check for bleeding, and found none. I tried so hard to fall back asleep, but the cramps continued. I think I got up about every five minutes for the rest of the morning to make sure everything was still okay. By the time John woke up a few hours later, I was in tears. I told him that I thought we were losing the baby, and there was no way that this was going to have a positive outcome. He tried to assure me to stay positive, but the painful cramps were a constant reminder that something bad was probably happening. Luckily Hudson had preschool again this day, so it gave me some time to be by myself and think. I texted my two best friends while I aimlessly wondered around Kohl's and told them the bad news. I questioned them both about what this could mean, and asked them if they thought everything would be okay. They told me to call my OB, and I did. They reassured me that cramping was normal, and as long as I wasn't bleeding, everything "should" be okay. I did not like the word, "should".
I decided to buy Jujube an outfit. It took me about an hour to pick it out, but I settled on a pale blue romper with a yellow bow on it. It was from the girl's section, but I had a sinking feeling Jujube was going to be a girl. I took the outfit home and hung it on the lamp in my room. It was my lucky-charm to keep Jujube safe. I also found an image of Jujubes on Google and made it the homescreen on my phone. I hoped that looking at it a million times a day would be good vibes too. To this day, I still have that as my homescreen. I prayed, I cried, and I called the OB again. They again, told me to just wait it out. They said that sometimes second pregnancies can be even more scary than the first, because you experience new and different symptoms, and assume they are not normal. So I waited, and prayed, and waited some more. That night I fell asleep with what was now on-and-off pain, and by morning, all evidence of the cramps were gone.
It was still too early in the pregnancy to officially declare everything was okay, but I did have a surplus of Dollar Tree pregnancy tests, so I took one every few days to make sure they remained strong. I went in for a 5-week appointment with my OB to check my blood and everything looked fine. They wanted to set me up with an 8-week ultrasound, and asked, "How does August 1st sound to you?" Well, that was my 30th Birthday! I mentioned this to them, and they asked me if I wanted a different day. "Nope, just make sure it's good news!" I said.
I made the appointment as early as I could on the 1st, because as you know by now, I am terrible at waiting. John already had the day off since it was my birthday, and my best friend Justine had flown in from Las Vegas to spend the weekend with us. John and I went to the ultrasound together that morning, while Justine looked after Hudson at home. I laid down on the table, nervous as can be, while she squirted that familiar warm gel on my belly. As soon as she placed the wand, we saw our little Jujube dancing around. It was a super brief appointment, and we got a few printed images at the end. All that was important was that he/she was healthy! The actual appointment with the doctor was going to be a little while longer, and this was the first time we were going to meet him, since Hudson's doctor had retired. John decided to run home and grab something to eat, and then meet me back at the hospital for the appointment. I waited forever, and finally got called back. I texted John with which room I was in, and he didn't respond. The doctor came in, and John still wasn't there. I was actually getting kind of upset, when I finally got a text. He had gotten into a car accident on the way back to meet me! Our brand new SUV was all smashed up about a half mile away. Ugh. It was my birthday, I just got the great news that my baby is doing well, but now my husband was in an accident in our brand new car. He was okay, and dealt with the police and insurance, and was able to meet me at the very end of the appointment. We wanted to focus on this amazing news, and deal with the car later.When we got home, we were eager to make our healthy baby's announcement public. I took a picture of Hudson wearing his shirt, and cropped it in with a photo of the ultrasound and "Coming in March 2015" graphic. By that afternoon, our pregnancy was Facebook public! Hudson also wore the shirt at my birthday party the next day, and now everyone knew that baby #2 was on the way!
In late August, I went back to work to teach a Kindergarten Readiness program to get our future Kindergarteners ready for the school year. Not only was I nervous to go back to work, but I was terrified to tell my boss that I was expecting. As you remember from my last post, I worked very hard to get to where I was at in my career, and I took pride in being the reliable and dependable employee I was known as. Of course, I knew that taking a maternity leave was well within my rights, I still struggled with the burden and inconvenience this would place on my school and the staff. The announcement went well, and of course everyone was excited for me, and now I just needed to worry about finding my replacement.
As the school year began, I kept my pregnancy from my students that their parents. I wanted my anxious little Kindergarteners to enjoy their first few weeks of school before I sprung the news on them that I would be leaving. By early October, at 4 months along, I couldn't hide it anymore and sent a letter home to parents. I would finish out the month of February and then take March-June off. Around this same time, I was also scheduling my 20-week anatomy ultrasound. This one is an important one, because I get to find out the GENDER!! I wasn't worried anymore about health issues, since we had the all-clear at the other two scans. When the receptionist at the front desk of my OB's office suggested October 21st, the date struck me as important, but it didn't dawn on me why while I was standing at the desk. Once I got home, however, I remembered why that date stuck out. It was the 3rd anniversary of my mother's sudden death. I considered rescheduling, but then I decided that what better way to honor my mom than to find out the gender of her newest grandbaby?
My sister was going to join us at the ultrasound (my mom went with us to Hudson's), and she would keep the gender a secret from us until later that day. We would all go up to my step-father's house that evening for dinner, and they would rig an explosive to shoot blue or pink chalk, depending on what was inside my sister's envelope. I was so excited to do this, and I thought finding out all together would be a lot of fun! John was unsure about whether he should take the whole day off, but I insisted that he did, in the rare chance that we get bad news at the scan. He agreed.
The morning of the appointment, my sister met us at the hospital and accompanied us into the ultrasound room. She sat watching the screen alongside us as the technician checked all of Jujube's organs. When she came to the baby's bottom half, she had John and I cover our eyes as she looked for the gender. Once she was done, she gave us the all-clear to open our eyes again. She spent a lot more time hovering over the baby's abdomen. She kept looking at the same spot, and was pressing really hard against my belly. I don't remember ever having a technician press that hard before, so I just knew something was not right. She had me turn, wiggle, empty my bladder, wiggle some more, but she couldn't get the image she was looking for. She then told us that she couldn't find the baby's right kidney. She called in the OB on duty, who was not our doctor, to take a look. At this point, I was shivering from nervousness. What do you mean you can't find the kidney?
The OB sat us down after the ultrasound and let us know that we needed to see a specialist the following week. There was a chance that our baby was missing a kidney, and they wanted to get a better ultrasound to make sure. She assured us that even if the baby only had one kidney, it would live a long and healthy life, and to not be worried. Of course I spent the rest of the day on Google trying to learn all that I could about living with one kidney. That night, we were trying to celebrate the baby, but all I could think about was the missing kidney. The big moment arrived where we were going to shoot the explosive to release the chalk, and I was still so consumed with sadness, that I hardly even remember seeing the blue rise in the air. For a second, I got even sadder. I was secretly hoping for a girl, and I was experiencing a little disappointment at the thought of another boy. That moment of disappointment still haunts me today. I should have just been over the moon to be having another baby. I shouldn't have been worrying about the possible lack of a kidney. I should have just been enjoying the moment and rejoicing in my happy little baby in my belly.
We were having another boy. We decided on the name Parker. We liked the name because it fit well with Hudson's. They are both easy to spell and pronounce, are common enough to be recognizable, but are not too popular. Now we just needed to decide on a middle name. While we tried to focus on the excitement of picking a name, we were also waiting to see the specialist about Parker's missing kidney. I barely held it together while we waited the week to find out. The perinatologist spent 90 minutes examining baby Parker, and while she was still not able to get a clear image of his right kidney, she did see clear blood flow to the area and what she was pretty confident was the kidney. We were out of the woods. Our baby boy was once again a completely healthy little guy, and we began to let our guard down once again.
I was now about 22 weeks along, and the next hurdle was the glucose test to rule out gestational
Lucky me, I failed. My blood sugar was too high, and I needed to return to the hospital for the longer test. So, two days before Thanksgiving, I sat in the hospital waiting room between 7am-11:15am getting poked and reading "Parenting With Love & Logic". I left the hospital hoping that after all of that torture, that I would pass and be free from worry. I passed.
Back at school, my belly was getting bigger, and my kids were getting excited. After interviewing a few candidates for my long-term sub, we chose a young teacher that would take over in March and finish out the year. The kids already knew her and loved her, and it would be an awesome transition. This took a lot of stress off of me, knowing that everything was falling into place, and now I just needed to make it to my due date.
Early December came and it was time for parent-teacher conferences. My long term sub volunteered her time to sit in on all of the conferences, and I was able to introduce her to all of the parents. It was a great opportunity for her to get acquainted with the class, and I even had some time to show her some of my routines. It was a long two days, but we made it! The next day, Saturday, John and I took Hudson on a Christmas train ride with his family. It was our second year taking the train, and it was so much fun being with all of the family and celebrating the season. I love Christmas, and everything holiday. Hudson got to go to Grandma's house the next day and make a gingerbread house. My belly was getting so big, I kept knocking into his chair. Parker was going crazy this day. I remember telling John that I had never felt him be so active. That evening, I laid on the couch, watching TV and feeling my little man doing somersaults in my belly. I was warm, and happy and in love.
The next day was Monday, December 8th. It was a normal day, I was busy at work, and came home to Hudson and John feeling absolutely ordinary. I can't remember exactly when, but at some point that afternoon I realized that Parker had not moved at all that day. I think I don't remember that moment very well because I didn't think anything of it. I had been so busy, and hadn't really paid much attention. Plus, I was 27 weeks now, almost to the 3rd trimester, and maybe little Parker was getting too big to move around now. I promised myself that when I sat down that evening, I would focus on trying to feel him move. It wasn't until Tuesday morning that I realized that he still hadn't moved.
I crept downstairs at 5:45 in the morning, and tried some of the things my doctor had said to try if you ever need to get the baby to move. I drank a glass of iced tea and sugary lemonade. I laid completely still in the dark living room and focused every cell in my body on my belly. I silently begged little Parker to move. After a few minutes, when I still hadn't felt anything, I went and got my cheap home Doppler. I squirted some lotion on my belly and listened. I heard nothing, but that wasn't unusual with that stupid thing. By now, I really needed to start getting ready for work, or I was going to be late. I convinced myself that I wouldn't worry about it, and I would just continue to try and feel him move while I was at work.
That was the longest workday of my life. When my students left at 10:45, I still hadn't felt him move. I decided that I would call my OB and ask to be seen. I was waiting on hold when my teaching partner walked in, and I didn't really feel like finishing the call in front of her. At this point, I had freaked out over so many stupid things, I didn't want anyone making fun of how nervous and obsessive I was. I made an excuse to leave early, and went to go pick up Hudson. I mentioned to his very pregnant teacher, that Parker hadn't been moving, and she wished me the best.
When I got home, I finished my call to the OB. I spoke with an advice nurse who told me, while 27 weeks was very early to be checking for movements, they would like to do a non-stress test and monitor his heartbeat for a while. She assured me that everything was going to be fine. John was at home, and was waiting on our relator to come over. We were considering putting our house up for sale, and wanted to find out what it was worth. John offered to reschedule the appointment and go with me, but I assured him that I would be fine, Parker was fine, and that I would text him as soon as I knew he was okay.
I arrived at the doctors office at about 12:30 in the afternoon. I was nervous and sweating, but I kept telling myself that everything was going to be fine. The nurse called me back, and she looked very familiar. It wasn't until we were in the exam room, and she was listening to my belly with the Doppler, that I realized we used to work together many years earlier. We reminisced over people who we both remembered, and I brought up one of our old coworkers who lost her twins late in her pregnancy. We both commented on how sad that was, and then focused on trying to find Parker's little heartbeat. The nurse had warned me that it might take a while to find the heartbeat, so I tried to be patient. She confirmed that she DID hear the heartbeat, but could not get the monitors to stay on it. After a while, another nurse came in and took over. She brought in a better Doppler, and once again, confirmed that there WAS a heartbeat, but she could not get the monitor to stay on it either. At this point, I felt so bad that I was wasting their time. Now I knew that there was a heartbeat, and that's all I needed to calm my nerves. She decided that she wanted the OB to come in with a portable ultrasound machine to see where the baby was positioned so that they could get a better heartbeat reading. While she was out, I went to go text John, but I realized that my phone was across the room. I would text him after we were done.
The doctor came in with the portable ultrasound, and the first thing I said was, "I'm so sorry for all of this trouble." He put that same warm gel on my belly and began to look around. He spent a lot of time measuring Parker's head. He then asked, while still focusing on the screen, "Now when did you last feel baby move?" I replied, "Sunday." He got quiet, stoically looking at the silent screen. Then he looked at me, took a deep breath, and said,
"I don't see the heartbeat, Sarah."
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