It's been a rough week...physically, emotionally, and mentally! It's hard to stay positive when it seems like everything is going wrong at the same time!! I hate being depressed so I am going to try to find as many things in my life that make me happy:
1. My husband is absolutely my best friend and hugest supporter.
2. My son is the best gift God could have ever given me.
3. We just bought our first house and we are do excited!!
4. We have worked really hard to save money so we can make our new home look and feel so nice.
5. I love that I have the opportunity to find my perfect career, and work in the meantime doing what I love!
6. Going on walks is so relaxing and totally clears my head!
7. I have the greatest network of friends and family to support me.
8. I am so happy that we have food on our table every night, health insurance, and a stable life.
9. I am grateful that God gave me the ability to think positively and not get stuck in bad moods...they are a waste of time.
10. I am excited for the holidays coming up and celebrating, being cheerful, and appreciating life!
Friday, September 7, 2012
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
New challenges
As I near the 1-year mark of my mom's passing, I am surprised about how well I am doing. In some ways it has become a little more manageable, and in other ways, I'm missing her even more. But I had no idea at the time that all of this happened, that one day I would be able to wake up each morning and actually be able to function. Her passing is the single most difficult thing I have ever had to deal with in my entire life. These kinds of events really put things into perspective and remind you that everything else in life is so trivial and benign. This new way of dealing with life has really helped me through another very difficult transition:
On Friday, April 13th at around 5:30 pm I was at the stove cooking dinner when my right ear suddenly became full like I was in an airplane or on a steep hill and it just needed to pop. As I continued to cook, I kept poking my ear, massaging my neck, yawning...everything that I would normally do when my ear was plugged. Nothing made that feeling go away. When John got home from work, I mentioned it at dinner and he thought that it was really weird that it wouldn't pop! Over the next few days I continued to try to get it to pop. I tried flushing it out with water, sticking q-tips in there, and sleeping on that ear to see if I could get it to drain. My regular doctor had cleaned that some ear out a few months prior when it was clogged and making me dizzy, so I tried to make an appointment with her to see what she thought. I wasn't able to get in to see her and John kept urging me to go to Urgent Care. By this time it had been about 5 days, and even though I thought going to urgent care over a plugged ear was silly, I went. At about this same time, I also started to hear a mild "white noise" in the plugged ear too! Well, the nurse at urgent care thought that I might have some fluid behind the ear drum from a cold, and told me it would go away after I started feeling better. She also told me to see an ear specialist too, just because I had problems with this ear before, and maybe I would need tubes or something to help it drain. As I waited almost another week for my ear to drain and to see the ENT, nothing improved.
My first appointment with the ENT started out pretty normal, by this time my cold had turned into a full blown sinus congestion and headache mess, so I figured he would diagnose me with some infection and send me home with some pills to clear everything up. Well, he did say I had a virus, but he also said that the virus may also have done some minor damage to my inner ear and wanted me to do a hearing test. This was kind of shocking, but after the hearing test, he did say that I had minor hearing loss due to the virus and that an intense course of oral steroids would be the first step in stopping the damage from getting worse. He also recommended that I get a CT scan to rule out a tumor causing the hearing loss. Over the next 16 days, I was really starting to worry. I knew that the chances of me having a tumor were so slim, but I also thought about how much my family had already been through, and we couldn't handle any more bad news. After the longest 2 weeks of my life, a tumor was finally ruled out as the cause, but the steroids had not helped and my hearing loss had gotten worse. The "white noise" that I had been hearing was diagnosed as Tinnitus, and it was becoming increasingly loud as the hearing was diminishing. Our next step of action was to inject the steroids into my ear canal through my ear drum. My doctor hoped that having the steroid sit on the nerves back there would help stop the virus from damaging my ear even more.
The first injection was relatively painless (although I did pass out from the mere thought and sensation of someone sticking a needle through my eardrum). A few weeks later we did a second injection, and this one hurt a lot more! Soon after, I was in so much pain that I called desperate for some help, and it turned out the needle had left a large scab on my eardrum and every time I laughed or coughed or breathed or swallowed or yawned or ANYTHING it would stretch and tear and cause excruciating pain! On top of all of this happening, my hearing was only getting worse, and my tinnitus louder. Adding to all of that, was anew, quite debilitating symptom...vertigo.
Finally I listened to some family members and went for a second opinion, and this doctor offered a new, more treatable diagnosis. Meniers Disease! This disease has to do with water retention and can affect some of the glands in the ear and cause hearing loss, tinnitus, and vertigo. Yay!! I went home with some new hope, some new meds, and a diet to follow. After a few weeks though, with no improvement, and some nagging feeling telling me that I had a false sense of hope, we came to the conclusion that the first doctor was more accurate with his diagnosis. My symptoms were not aligned with Meneirs Disease as I had hoped. But by this point, both doctors were out of options and advice, and my hearing had reached the "profound" level of loss. I was simply sent home with the "live with it" attitude.
For months I tried my hardest to stay positive, to remember that there are other people out there with much worse diagnosis and dealing with much harder struggles. I had learned to live with other disabilities in my life, such as my lack of vision out of my right eye, but this sudden onset was making it very hard to adjust. The tinnitus gets so loud and distracting in noisy environments, that I can't even participate in conversations or have a good time. I get headaches from my brain working so hard to overcome the jet engine in my right ear and having to discern all of the sounds in my left ear. It is hard to describe what happens to your hearing when lose function on one side, but I am no longer able to locate where sounds are coming from (such as when someone calls my name from another room or in a busy location) and I turn in circles as they keep repeating my name so I can locate where the sound is coming from! Also, now that I can only hear from my left side, EVERY SINGLE SOUND has to be processed by that ear! Imagine half of a bust highway being shut down, and now all of the traffic is being diverted down to the open lanes...it is a mess. Even when someone is talking directly into my good ear, it is still hard to separate their voice from all of the other nonsense happening around me. I fell so left out of social situations because I can't participate in the conversation as well, or I have to keep asking, "what?!" a million times!
Finally, I found a tinnitus clinic at OHSU that could possibly help with reducing my tinnitus so at least I didn't have to deal with that when trying to function in my daily life. But alas, after forking over almost $700 out of pocket, the therapy was frustrating at best, and in order to continue, I would have to purchase a hearing aid. The only bright side was having the tinnitus specialist say, "that is really loud" when we were working on matching the sound of my tinnitus. I finally have some validation that I am indeed hearing this obnoxious sound 24/7 and that it is indeed freakishly loud!
So now, I guess I am going to have to be my own advocate. I am finding some support networks and trying to find out how I can get used to this new reality and move forward. I know deep down, that compared to life's other huge struggles, this is pretty minor, but it is definitely something that I never imagined I would have to deal with, and something that is bringing me down. I do enjoy making fun of myself and the funny things I encounter with my new disability though. It makes it a little more manageable knowing that it can make others laugh :)
On Friday, April 13th at around 5:30 pm I was at the stove cooking dinner when my right ear suddenly became full like I was in an airplane or on a steep hill and it just needed to pop. As I continued to cook, I kept poking my ear, massaging my neck, yawning...everything that I would normally do when my ear was plugged. Nothing made that feeling go away. When John got home from work, I mentioned it at dinner and he thought that it was really weird that it wouldn't pop! Over the next few days I continued to try to get it to pop. I tried flushing it out with water, sticking q-tips in there, and sleeping on that ear to see if I could get it to drain. My regular doctor had cleaned that some ear out a few months prior when it was clogged and making me dizzy, so I tried to make an appointment with her to see what she thought. I wasn't able to get in to see her and John kept urging me to go to Urgent Care. By this time it had been about 5 days, and even though I thought going to urgent care over a plugged ear was silly, I went. At about this same time, I also started to hear a mild "white noise" in the plugged ear too! Well, the nurse at urgent care thought that I might have some fluid behind the ear drum from a cold, and told me it would go away after I started feeling better. She also told me to see an ear specialist too, just because I had problems with this ear before, and maybe I would need tubes or something to help it drain. As I waited almost another week for my ear to drain and to see the ENT, nothing improved.
My first appointment with the ENT started out pretty normal, by this time my cold had turned into a full blown sinus congestion and headache mess, so I figured he would diagnose me with some infection and send me home with some pills to clear everything up. Well, he did say I had a virus, but he also said that the virus may also have done some minor damage to my inner ear and wanted me to do a hearing test. This was kind of shocking, but after the hearing test, he did say that I had minor hearing loss due to the virus and that an intense course of oral steroids would be the first step in stopping the damage from getting worse. He also recommended that I get a CT scan to rule out a tumor causing the hearing loss. Over the next 16 days, I was really starting to worry. I knew that the chances of me having a tumor were so slim, but I also thought about how much my family had already been through, and we couldn't handle any more bad news. After the longest 2 weeks of my life, a tumor was finally ruled out as the cause, but the steroids had not helped and my hearing loss had gotten worse. The "white noise" that I had been hearing was diagnosed as Tinnitus, and it was becoming increasingly loud as the hearing was diminishing. Our next step of action was to inject the steroids into my ear canal through my ear drum. My doctor hoped that having the steroid sit on the nerves back there would help stop the virus from damaging my ear even more.
The first injection was relatively painless (although I did pass out from the mere thought and sensation of someone sticking a needle through my eardrum). A few weeks later we did a second injection, and this one hurt a lot more! Soon after, I was in so much pain that I called desperate for some help, and it turned out the needle had left a large scab on my eardrum and every time I laughed or coughed or breathed or swallowed or yawned or ANYTHING it would stretch and tear and cause excruciating pain! On top of all of this happening, my hearing was only getting worse, and my tinnitus louder. Adding to all of that, was anew, quite debilitating symptom...vertigo.
Finally I listened to some family members and went for a second opinion, and this doctor offered a new, more treatable diagnosis. Meniers Disease! This disease has to do with water retention and can affect some of the glands in the ear and cause hearing loss, tinnitus, and vertigo. Yay!! I went home with some new hope, some new meds, and a diet to follow. After a few weeks though, with no improvement, and some nagging feeling telling me that I had a false sense of hope, we came to the conclusion that the first doctor was more accurate with his diagnosis. My symptoms were not aligned with Meneirs Disease as I had hoped. But by this point, both doctors were out of options and advice, and my hearing had reached the "profound" level of loss. I was simply sent home with the "live with it" attitude.
For months I tried my hardest to stay positive, to remember that there are other people out there with much worse diagnosis and dealing with much harder struggles. I had learned to live with other disabilities in my life, such as my lack of vision out of my right eye, but this sudden onset was making it very hard to adjust. The tinnitus gets so loud and distracting in noisy environments, that I can't even participate in conversations or have a good time. I get headaches from my brain working so hard to overcome the jet engine in my right ear and having to discern all of the sounds in my left ear. It is hard to describe what happens to your hearing when lose function on one side, but I am no longer able to locate where sounds are coming from (such as when someone calls my name from another room or in a busy location) and I turn in circles as they keep repeating my name so I can locate where the sound is coming from! Also, now that I can only hear from my left side, EVERY SINGLE SOUND has to be processed by that ear! Imagine half of a bust highway being shut down, and now all of the traffic is being diverted down to the open lanes...it is a mess. Even when someone is talking directly into my good ear, it is still hard to separate their voice from all of the other nonsense happening around me. I fell so left out of social situations because I can't participate in the conversation as well, or I have to keep asking, "what?!" a million times!
Finally, I found a tinnitus clinic at OHSU that could possibly help with reducing my tinnitus so at least I didn't have to deal with that when trying to function in my daily life. But alas, after forking over almost $700 out of pocket, the therapy was frustrating at best, and in order to continue, I would have to purchase a hearing aid. The only bright side was having the tinnitus specialist say, "that is really loud" when we were working on matching the sound of my tinnitus. I finally have some validation that I am indeed hearing this obnoxious sound 24/7 and that it is indeed freakishly loud!
So now, I guess I am going to have to be my own advocate. I am finding some support networks and trying to find out how I can get used to this new reality and move forward. I know deep down, that compared to life's other huge struggles, this is pretty minor, but it is definitely something that I never imagined I would have to deal with, and something that is bringing me down. I do enjoy making fun of myself and the funny things I encounter with my new disability though. It makes it a little more manageable knowing that it can make others laugh :)
Friday, July 13, 2012
Motivation
Mom, I don't know if you were watching, but we celebrated you this last week and it was so inspiring to see how much impact you had on so many people, and how missed you are. I feel so lucky that your memory is not lost on us, and that no matter where I turn, there is always someone there who can laugh and reminisce with me about you and your life. I hate how it took you leaving for all of this to come about, but I can see how many changes that are happening in your honor. I'm sure you didn't plan on leaving such a legacy, or expecting such a big turn-out in celebrating your life and your career, but just know that you deserve every bit of it. Your life has inspired me so much to keep pushing on and staying committed to the things that are important to me. I know that not everything in your life was always great, and you faced many obstacles, but you never gave up and you were always doing anything and everything to make it better for yourself and for your family. You worked your butt off and you sacrificed so much for other people. I now understand all that you did for those around you that you cared about. I face struggles in my life too, and I try to channel your strength and your perseverance and drive. I know that you would never accept failure or excuses and you were the first one to step-up and do whatever it took to succeed, no matter how much you didn't feel like it. You were rewarded in the end by being able to share your life with someone who brought you so much happiness, and being able to see the successes that you raised in your children. You are such an inspiration to me mom. I really wish you were still here cheering me on through my struggles, but I will have to just look above for my strength and guidance. I really miss you mom, but know that I am continuing to live my life to make you proud, and I will work very hard to make sure I live up to the woman you raised me to be.
I need something from you though mom. It breaks my heart every time I think about the fact that Hudson will never know your laugh, or see you smile at him, or feel your hug. I am trying so hard to be at peace with this, but I don't know how to accept it. What I am asking is that instead of being here physically for him, please watch over him from Heaven. Please keep him safe and happy, and please give him all of the hugs and smiles you can from up there. I am praying for the day he says "Nana" for the first time, as I know that little gift will be from you. I hope he learns how wonderful you were from the rest of us, but I know it won't be the same. He would have adored you, and I am so sad that he was robbed of such an amazing person in his life.
Love you mom,
Sarah
I need something from you though mom. It breaks my heart every time I think about the fact that Hudson will never know your laugh, or see you smile at him, or feel your hug. I am trying so hard to be at peace with this, but I don't know how to accept it. What I am asking is that instead of being here physically for him, please watch over him from Heaven. Please keep him safe and happy, and please give him all of the hugs and smiles you can from up there. I am praying for the day he says "Nana" for the first time, as I know that little gift will be from you. I hope he learns how wonderful you were from the rest of us, but I know it won't be the same. He would have adored you, and I am so sad that he was robbed of such an amazing person in his life.
Love you mom,
Sarah
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
Happy Mother's Day Mom!
Dear mom,
I missed you on Mother's Day. I kept having the urge to pick up the phone to dial your number, but I kept having to remind myself that you weren't there to answer. I know that we had plans to go pick out some flowers last year, but we never had the chance. John took me to Al's and we picked out some Gerber daisies for you. I made you a really neat flower pot before Christmas so I will have to plant them in there for you! John and Hudson sure spoiled me too. I got to go out to brunch with "my boys" and John's parents, and it was so nice! I also got to take a shopping trip all by myself and then just relax. Hudson and John also made me a "World's Greatest Mom" trophy from scratch in the shop. I loved it. Mother's Day has a whole new meaning to me now. I always loved spoiling you every May, but now I realize how much you needed it. You did so much for Amy and I growing up. I know that sometimes you doubted yourself, but you were such an amazing mother. I have learned so much from you, and especially over the past few months have I realized just how many of your great qualities I have inherited. You taught me to work hard and be proud of what I have accomplished, no matter how much I enjoyed doing it. You taught me to stand up for myself and to not settle for being treated poorly. You taught me honesty, integrity, and responsibility. You also taught me that my most valuable asset was my reputation, so to always take care of it and make sure I was trustworthy and dependable. I am surprised by how strong I have become since saying goodbye to you. I feel like somehow, during your passing, I inherited part of your role in the family. I just want you to know that I will always make sure that you are present in everything we do. I made sure to carry out Amy's surprise birthday party last weekend just like you were planning on doing, and I will also make sure that her wedding goes perfectly as well. She has tried to give me a hard time about it, but with the persistence that I know you would have had with her, I finally broke her down! I'm really struggling mom to make sure that Hudson's first birthday is as special as I know you would have made it for him. I know how excited you were to throw him a party, so I will do my best to make sure you are represented. I chose a Sesame Street theme because I have very vague memories of a Big Bird cake at my first birthday! Anyway mom, I just wanted to tell you that I have been thinking about you lately and wishing you were here. I'm very glad that you were with me through the difficult few months of being a new mom, and I learned so much patience, resilience, and confidence from you. I will always carry those valuable lessons with me and try to apply them in everything I do. I am so proud that you are my mom.
Happy Mother's Day,
Sarah
I missed you on Mother's Day. I kept having the urge to pick up the phone to dial your number, but I kept having to remind myself that you weren't there to answer. I know that we had plans to go pick out some flowers last year, but we never had the chance. John took me to Al's and we picked out some Gerber daisies for you. I made you a really neat flower pot before Christmas so I will have to plant them in there for you! John and Hudson sure spoiled me too. I got to go out to brunch with "my boys" and John's parents, and it was so nice! I also got to take a shopping trip all by myself and then just relax. Hudson and John also made me a "World's Greatest Mom" trophy from scratch in the shop. I loved it. Mother's Day has a whole new meaning to me now. I always loved spoiling you every May, but now I realize how much you needed it. You did so much for Amy and I growing up. I know that sometimes you doubted yourself, but you were such an amazing mother. I have learned so much from you, and especially over the past few months have I realized just how many of your great qualities I have inherited. You taught me to work hard and be proud of what I have accomplished, no matter how much I enjoyed doing it. You taught me to stand up for myself and to not settle for being treated poorly. You taught me honesty, integrity, and responsibility. You also taught me that my most valuable asset was my reputation, so to always take care of it and make sure I was trustworthy and dependable. I am surprised by how strong I have become since saying goodbye to you. I feel like somehow, during your passing, I inherited part of your role in the family. I just want you to know that I will always make sure that you are present in everything we do. I made sure to carry out Amy's surprise birthday party last weekend just like you were planning on doing, and I will also make sure that her wedding goes perfectly as well. She has tried to give me a hard time about it, but with the persistence that I know you would have had with her, I finally broke her down! I'm really struggling mom to make sure that Hudson's first birthday is as special as I know you would have made it for him. I know how excited you were to throw him a party, so I will do my best to make sure you are represented. I chose a Sesame Street theme because I have very vague memories of a Big Bird cake at my first birthday! Anyway mom, I just wanted to tell you that I have been thinking about you lately and wishing you were here. I'm very glad that you were with me through the difficult few months of being a new mom, and I learned so much patience, resilience, and confidence from you. I will always carry those valuable lessons with me and try to apply them in everything I do. I am so proud that you are my mom.
Happy Mother's Day,
Sarah
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Milestones...
I used to love celebrating milestones. Christmases, birthdays, anniversaries, vacations...but lately I have had to celebrate some pretty hard ones. I had to celebrate my mom's birthday without her in November, we had to celebrate Christmas with the whole family without her. We had to leaver her behind in 2011 when we celebrated the new year. Hudson learned to eat solid food, sit up, stand, grew some teeth, and now he is working on walking. Each time something new and exciting happens in my life, I have to celebrate it in one side of my heart and mourn that my mom doesn't get to experience it in the other. Today marks 6 months since the morning that I lost her, and I can't say that I have even completely grasped that she is gone. It still takes me a second to do a double take when I think I see her car on the road, or look at the back of a woman's head and think that might be her. It's funny what your mind does when you miss someone so badly...they start appearing everywhere you go.
Her number is still in my phone and her Facebook page always shows "online". Technology makes everyone so reachable, and maybe that is why I am having such a hard time not being able to contact her. I remember not long after she passed, my step-father found a small dog collar among her things. We spent a few days trying to figure out why she had that dog collar...did she buy it for Chewy or Crouton? Or maybe Lollie? I almost just blurted out, "Why don't we just call her and ask?" I guess we will never know. Those have been some of the roughest moments. Those hit-you-like-a-truck moments when you realize that this is real, and its permanent. It's also hard when I realize that the rest of the world keeps turning, when mine has come to a complete stop. The stupid weather report comes on every morning even though I couldn't really care less. People talk about Kim Kardashian and Justin Beiber like they are something special, and I wish that the world was able to realize what was really special. New tragedies happen and people are moving on to mourn with someone new. People have stopped asking how I am doing. I don't necessarily mind not being the topic of conversation, but I do miss being able to talk about her. Everyone mourns differently, and maybe people assume that it is too hard to talk about, but honestly, I am the happiest when I am talking about her. I love her. Every time Hudson falls down and bumps his head, while is sit with him and snuggle him until he feels better, I try to imagine her doing the same thing to me 27 years ago. Every time I am waiting with my students at parent pick-up time and a child runs across the gym screaming with joy as their grandma picks them up, I think of her. Every time that I am at my wits end, and I could really use her comfort and advice, I miss her. I really don't think any amount of time is going to make those feelings go away. I worry that I will continue to see her for the rest of my life, and have to remind myself over and over that she is gone. Sometimes I feel like I am in a horribly depressing version of Groundhog Day.
In the next few weeks I will celebrate my first Mother's Day as a mom, as well as my first Mother's Day without a mom. It will be a horribly bittersweet day, and I'm not sure how I am going to handle it. I will also be celebrating Hudson's first birthday, which my mom had been excited about being a part of even before he was born. I will try hard to make it fun, even though her absence will be extremely difficult. I am just so thankful to have my sister who is going through this with me, my step-dad who reminds me of how happy she was in those last few years, my son who keeps me positive and looking forward to each new day, my husband who is the most understanding and helpful man possible, and my in-laws who make sure that I have a good support system. Without them, I know that I would be absolutely lost.
I am going to celebrate Hudson's first SUNNY trip to the zoo today and think of my mom often :) I know she is shining down on us !
Love you,
Sarah
Her number is still in my phone and her Facebook page always shows "online". Technology makes everyone so reachable, and maybe that is why I am having such a hard time not being able to contact her. I remember not long after she passed, my step-father found a small dog collar among her things. We spent a few days trying to figure out why she had that dog collar...did she buy it for Chewy or Crouton? Or maybe Lollie? I almost just blurted out, "Why don't we just call her and ask?" I guess we will never know. Those have been some of the roughest moments. Those hit-you-like-a-truck moments when you realize that this is real, and its permanent. It's also hard when I realize that the rest of the world keeps turning, when mine has come to a complete stop. The stupid weather report comes on every morning even though I couldn't really care less. People talk about Kim Kardashian and Justin Beiber like they are something special, and I wish that the world was able to realize what was really special. New tragedies happen and people are moving on to mourn with someone new. People have stopped asking how I am doing. I don't necessarily mind not being the topic of conversation, but I do miss being able to talk about her. Everyone mourns differently, and maybe people assume that it is too hard to talk about, but honestly, I am the happiest when I am talking about her. I love her. Every time Hudson falls down and bumps his head, while is sit with him and snuggle him until he feels better, I try to imagine her doing the same thing to me 27 years ago. Every time I am waiting with my students at parent pick-up time and a child runs across the gym screaming with joy as their grandma picks them up, I think of her. Every time that I am at my wits end, and I could really use her comfort and advice, I miss her. I really don't think any amount of time is going to make those feelings go away. I worry that I will continue to see her for the rest of my life, and have to remind myself over and over that she is gone. Sometimes I feel like I am in a horribly depressing version of Groundhog Day.
In the next few weeks I will celebrate my first Mother's Day as a mom, as well as my first Mother's Day without a mom. It will be a horribly bittersweet day, and I'm not sure how I am going to handle it. I will also be celebrating Hudson's first birthday, which my mom had been excited about being a part of even before he was born. I will try hard to make it fun, even though her absence will be extremely difficult. I am just so thankful to have my sister who is going through this with me, my step-dad who reminds me of how happy she was in those last few years, my son who keeps me positive and looking forward to each new day, my husband who is the most understanding and helpful man possible, and my in-laws who make sure that I have a good support system. Without them, I know that I would be absolutely lost.
I am going to celebrate Hudson's first SUNNY trip to the zoo today and think of my mom often :) I know she is shining down on us !
Love you,
Sarah
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Consistently inconsistent...
So as many of you know, I struggle with being able to tune out all of the polarizing advice I receive as a mom, and try to trust my mom gut and do what I think is right for my little man. It has been a rough few weeks as Hudson is still not sleeping through the night at 9 months old, and I am desperately trying to figure out what he needs. I have since stopped nursing after bedtime at his pediatricians advice, but he is still waking up just wanting to be held and attended to. I know that whatever I decided to do, I need to remain consistent, but how can I do that if his sleep patterns are so inconsistent!?! Since we began cutting out his nighttime feeding(s) we have done an altered version of the cry it out, and just gone into his room at night when he cries, wrapping him up, patting his back, and leaving the room. We have done that about every 15 minutes until he falls asleep. That used to happen once a night and last about an hour to an hour and a half. Then it was happening twice a night...then ALL NIGHT!! And then once John and I are at the end of our rope, he sleeps 11 hours straight without waking up once!! Then the next night it is back to the old routine...UGH!!
I am trying to hard to be consistent, and I want so badly to do what is best for Hudson, but I don't know what that is! Is it best for him for me to be strong and teach him to sleep because I know he needs it? Or is it best for me to attend to him and rock with him when he is sad and upset?? Last night was the worst ever. At the advice of a family member with several children of her own, we let Hudson cry for a little longer than usual in expectation that he would just fall back asleep on his own without our constant interventions. So instead of checking on him every 15-20 minutes, we let him cry for an hour! So from 12:00 midnight until 1:00 am, I let him wail. It was so heart wrenching. He didn't let up. So at 1:00 am I went in, wiped his nose and bounced him until he calmed down, then wrapped him back up and put him back down. He stayed quiet for about 10 minutes and then was back to wailing again. At 2:00 am I went back in, gave him a drink of water, then wrapped him back up again and put him back down. The crying got softer for a few minutes, but then it was back to the wailing.
At 2:30 am, after listening to my poor baby cry for 2 and a 1/2 hours, I had it! I walked out to the living room and sat in the dark and just begged my mom to tell me what to do. I closed my eyes and I asked her to give me some insight as to what Hudson needed, because I just wanted to be a good mom. I was trying to be consistent and strong, but I was failing. I sat there for a few minutes, watching the baby monitor lights go crazy, and I just wished more than anything that my mom was there to comfort me and tell me everything was okay. I wish she was there to give me a hug and make me feel better. I just wanted to be with her so bad, and I missed her so much. As I sat there in the dark crying, it finally hit me. That is how she was telling me what to do. Here I was, crying on the couch for my mom, and my poor son was in his room crying for his. OMG. He just wanted to be with me. He missed me. He wanted me to comfort him and tell him it will all be okay. He wanted me to give him a hug and make him feel better. Screw being consistent. I walked into his room. Grabbed my poor sobbing baby, wiped his nose, gave him a drink of water, and held him against me until he fell asleep. Then I carried him into my room and slept next to him for the rest of the night until Daddy's alarm went off in the morning waking all of us up. It wasn't the best sleep I have ever had, because I was on mommy patrol all night making sure he was snoozing safely next to me, but I woke up happy.
I may have just messed up all of the work I have done over the past few weeks by giving in, but it obviously wasn't working anyway. I'm not sure what the next few nights are going to look like for us, but I'm sure I'll figure it out. I need to remember that I know best, and whatever I do that seems to work and make everyone happy will just have to do. This won't last forever, right??
I am trying to hard to be consistent, and I want so badly to do what is best for Hudson, but I don't know what that is! Is it best for him for me to be strong and teach him to sleep because I know he needs it? Or is it best for me to attend to him and rock with him when he is sad and upset?? Last night was the worst ever. At the advice of a family member with several children of her own, we let Hudson cry for a little longer than usual in expectation that he would just fall back asleep on his own without our constant interventions. So instead of checking on him every 15-20 minutes, we let him cry for an hour! So from 12:00 midnight until 1:00 am, I let him wail. It was so heart wrenching. He didn't let up. So at 1:00 am I went in, wiped his nose and bounced him until he calmed down, then wrapped him back up and put him back down. He stayed quiet for about 10 minutes and then was back to wailing again. At 2:00 am I went back in, gave him a drink of water, then wrapped him back up again and put him back down. The crying got softer for a few minutes, but then it was back to the wailing.
At 2:30 am, after listening to my poor baby cry for 2 and a 1/2 hours, I had it! I walked out to the living room and sat in the dark and just begged my mom to tell me what to do. I closed my eyes and I asked her to give me some insight as to what Hudson needed, because I just wanted to be a good mom. I was trying to be consistent and strong, but I was failing. I sat there for a few minutes, watching the baby monitor lights go crazy, and I just wished more than anything that my mom was there to comfort me and tell me everything was okay. I wish she was there to give me a hug and make me feel better. I just wanted to be with her so bad, and I missed her so much. As I sat there in the dark crying, it finally hit me. That is how she was telling me what to do. Here I was, crying on the couch for my mom, and my poor son was in his room crying for his. OMG. He just wanted to be with me. He missed me. He wanted me to comfort him and tell him it will all be okay. He wanted me to give him a hug and make him feel better. Screw being consistent. I walked into his room. Grabbed my poor sobbing baby, wiped his nose, gave him a drink of water, and held him against me until he fell asleep. Then I carried him into my room and slept next to him for the rest of the night until Daddy's alarm went off in the morning waking all of us up. It wasn't the best sleep I have ever had, because I was on mommy patrol all night making sure he was snoozing safely next to me, but I woke up happy.
I may have just messed up all of the work I have done over the past few weeks by giving in, but it obviously wasn't working anyway. I'm not sure what the next few nights are going to look like for us, but I'm sure I'll figure it out. I need to remember that I know best, and whatever I do that seems to work and make everyone happy will just have to do. This won't last forever, right??
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Submarine mom...
I recently read an article that was discussing the danger of being a helicopter parent, and it introduced a new term that I could really relate to, which was a "submarine parent". These moms and dads stay out of sight (figuratively) and let their children feel independent and self assured, but if they were ever in trouble, the submarine parent would swoop in and help out. My mom was a submarine mom. I just never realized until now that I was such a good swimmer because I knew she was there to save me if I drowned.
I had mentioned to my mom not long after Hudson was born how much I was looking forward to her being a role model for him and teaching him all of the great life lessons that she taught me. I definitely had a unique childhood growing up with two parents working in law enforcement. The topic of guns, drugs, arrests, abuse, and criminal behavior were openly discussed (at appropriate levels of course). I felt like I learned some street smarts from her, and the unattractive reality of some of my peers' behaviors. I was able to rise above most of the pressures that my generation faced and I felt like I came out of it with a lot of integrity and self-assurance. She also instilled in my my work ethic, my sense of right and wrong, my strength and resilience, and of course, my dashing good looks :)
As I go each day without her as a confidant, a mentor, a listener, and an inspiration, I have to try and imagine what she would be saying and advising me to do. I am trying to navigate my new role as a wife, as a mom, and as a strong willed and eager woman trying to find my place in my career. I would like nothing more than to emulate her success in life and to find myself in such a happy place when I reach the top. I never really understood why people would reference their lost loved ones in times of change and reflect on how they would feel about it, but I often find myself asking, "What would my mom say about this?" I hope that she would be proud. I hope that she is looking down and thinking that I am doing a good job despite my stumbles, and I know she is somehow guiding me through the times that I need her. Each day I get a little deeper in the pool of self reliance, and trust myself a little more. I may not have her there anymore to catch me when I sink, but I feel like she equipped me with some life preservers to hold onto if I need them.
In conclusion, here are some things I would like my son, Hudson, to learn about life from me, so that if he ever has to swim on his own, I know he will make it:
1. Learn how to accept responsibility for your own actions, and consider how they affect others
2. Be strong in your beliefs, but respect others'
3. Failure is okay, but make sure you learn from it
4. Be trustworthy
5. Be proud of everything you do
6. Know who and what is important in life, and treat them well
7. Focus on the positives in life, and change or forget everything else
8. Keep trying new things even if they seem hard or way too out of reach
9. Always expect the best out of the people around you; know your worth and don't settle
10. Make people proud of you
I had mentioned to my mom not long after Hudson was born how much I was looking forward to her being a role model for him and teaching him all of the great life lessons that she taught me. I definitely had a unique childhood growing up with two parents working in law enforcement. The topic of guns, drugs, arrests, abuse, and criminal behavior were openly discussed (at appropriate levels of course). I felt like I learned some street smarts from her, and the unattractive reality of some of my peers' behaviors. I was able to rise above most of the pressures that my generation faced and I felt like I came out of it with a lot of integrity and self-assurance. She also instilled in my my work ethic, my sense of right and wrong, my strength and resilience, and of course, my dashing good looks :)
As I go each day without her as a confidant, a mentor, a listener, and an inspiration, I have to try and imagine what she would be saying and advising me to do. I am trying to navigate my new role as a wife, as a mom, and as a strong willed and eager woman trying to find my place in my career. I would like nothing more than to emulate her success in life and to find myself in such a happy place when I reach the top. I never really understood why people would reference their lost loved ones in times of change and reflect on how they would feel about it, but I often find myself asking, "What would my mom say about this?" I hope that she would be proud. I hope that she is looking down and thinking that I am doing a good job despite my stumbles, and I know she is somehow guiding me through the times that I need her. Each day I get a little deeper in the pool of self reliance, and trust myself a little more. I may not have her there anymore to catch me when I sink, but I feel like she equipped me with some life preservers to hold onto if I need them.
In conclusion, here are some things I would like my son, Hudson, to learn about life from me, so that if he ever has to swim on his own, I know he will make it:
1. Learn how to accept responsibility for your own actions, and consider how they affect others
2. Be strong in your beliefs, but respect others'
3. Failure is okay, but make sure you learn from it
4. Be trustworthy
5. Be proud of everything you do
6. Know who and what is important in life, and treat them well
7. Focus on the positives in life, and change or forget everything else
8. Keep trying new things even if they seem hard or way too out of reach
9. Always expect the best out of the people around you; know your worth and don't settle
10. Make people proud of you
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
