Motivation

Mom, I don't know if you were watching, but we celebrated you this last week and it was so inspiring to see how much impact you had on so many people, and how missed you are. I feel so lucky that your memory is not lost on us, and that no matter where I turn, there is always someone there who can laugh and reminisce with me about you and your life. I hate how it took you leaving for all of this to come about, but I can see how many changes that are happening in your honor. I'm sure you didn't plan on leaving such a legacy, or expecting such a big turn-out in celebrating your life and your career, but just know that you deserve every bit of it. Your life has inspired me so much to keep pushing on and staying committed to the things that are important to me. I know that not everything in your life was always great, and you faced many obstacles, but you never gave up and you were always doing anything and everything to make it better for yourself and for your family. You worked your butt off and you sacrificed so much for other people. I now understand all that you did for those around you that you cared about. I face struggles in my life too, and I try to channel your strength and your perseverance and drive. I know that you would never accept failure or excuses and you were the first one to step-up and do whatever it took to succeed, no matter how much you didn't feel like it. You were rewarded in the end by being able to share your life with someone who brought you so much happiness, and being able to see the successes that you raised in your children. You are such an inspiration to me mom. I really wish you were still here cheering me on through my struggles, but I will have to just look above for my strength and guidance. I really miss you mom, but know that I am continuing to live my life to make you proud, and I will work very hard to make sure I live up to the woman you raised me to be.

I need something from you though mom. It breaks my heart every time I think about the fact that Hudson will never know your laugh, or see you smile at him, or feel your hug. I am trying so hard to be at peace with this, but I don't know how to accept it. What I am asking is that instead of being here physically for him, please watch over him from Heaven. Please keep him safe and happy, and please give him all of the hugs and smiles you can from up there. I am praying for the day he says "Nana" for the first time, as I know that little gift will be from you. I hope he learns how wonderful you were from the rest of us, but I know it won't be the same. He would have adored you, and I am so sad that he was robbed of such an amazing person in his life.

Love you mom,

Sarah

Happy Mother's Day Mom!

Dear mom,

I missed you on Mother's Day. I kept having the urge to pick up the phone to dial your number, but I kept having to remind myself that you weren't there to answer. I know that we had plans to go pick out some flowers last year, but we never had the chance. John took me to Al's and we picked out some Gerber daisies for you. I made you a really neat flower pot before Christmas so I will have to plant them in there for you! John and Hudson sure spoiled me too. I got to go out to brunch with "my boys" and John's parents, and it was so nice! I also got to take a shopping trip all by myself and then just relax. Hudson and John also made me a "World's Greatest Mom" trophy from scratch in the shop. I loved it. Mother's Day has a whole new meaning to me now. I always loved spoiling you every May, but now I realize how much you needed it. You did so much for Amy and I growing up. I know that sometimes you doubted yourself, but you were such an amazing mother. I have learned so much from you, and especially over the past few months have I realized just how many of your great qualities I have inherited. You taught me to work hard and be proud of what I have accomplished, no matter how much I enjoyed doing it. You taught me to stand up for myself and to not settle for being treated poorly. You taught me honesty, integrity, and responsibility. You also taught me that my most valuable asset was my reputation, so to always take care of it and make sure I was trustworthy and dependable. I am surprised by how strong I have become since saying goodbye to you. I feel like somehow, during your passing, I inherited part of your role in the family. I just want you to know that I will always make sure that you are present in everything we do. I made sure to carry out Amy's surprise birthday party last weekend just like you were planning on doing, and I will also make sure that her wedding goes perfectly as well. She has tried to give me a hard time about it, but with the persistence that I know you would have had with her, I finally broke her down! I'm really struggling mom to make sure that Hudson's first birthday is as special as I know you would have made it for him. I know how excited you were to throw him a party, so I will do my best to make sure you are represented. I chose a Sesame Street theme because I have very vague memories of a Big Bird cake at my first birthday! Anyway mom, I just wanted to tell you that I have been thinking about you lately and wishing you were here. I'm very glad that you were with me through the difficult few months of being a new mom, and I learned so much patience, resilience, and confidence from you. I will always carry those valuable lessons with me and try to apply them in everything I do. I am so proud that you are my mom.

Happy Mother's Day,

Sarah

Milestones...

I used to love celebrating milestones. Christmases, birthdays, anniversaries, vacations...but lately I have had to celebrate some pretty hard ones. I had to celebrate my mom's birthday without her in November, we had to celebrate Christmas with the whole family without her. We had to leaver her behind in 2011 when we celebrated the new year. Hudson learned to eat solid food, sit up, stand, grew some teeth, and now he is working on walking. Each time something new and exciting happens in my life, I have to celebrate it in one side of my heart and mourn that my mom doesn't get to experience it in the other. Today marks 6 months since the morning that I lost her, and I can't say that I have even completely grasped that she is gone. It still takes me a second to do a double take when I think I see her car on the road, or look at the back of a woman's head and think that might be her. It's funny what your mind does when you miss someone so badly...they start appearing everywhere you go.

Her number is still in my phone and her Facebook page always shows "online". Technology makes everyone so reachable, and maybe that is why I am having such a hard time not being able to contact her. I remember not long after she passed, my step-father found a small dog collar among her things. We spent a few days trying to figure out why she had that dog collar...did she buy it for Chewy or Crouton? Or maybe Lollie? I almost just blurted out, "Why don't we just call her and ask?" I guess we will never know. Those have been some of the roughest moments. Those hit-you-like-a-truck moments when you realize that this is real, and its permanent. It's also hard when I realize that the rest of the world keeps turning, when mine has come to a complete stop. The stupid weather report comes on every morning even though I couldn't really care less. People talk about Kim Kardashian and Justin Beiber like they are something special, and I wish that the world was able to realize what was really special. New tragedies happen and people are moving on to mourn with someone new. People have stopped asking how I am doing. I don't necessarily mind not being the topic of conversation, but I do miss being able to talk about her. Everyone mourns differently, and maybe people assume that it is too hard to talk about, but honestly, I am the happiest when I am talking about her. I love her. Every time Hudson falls down and bumps his head, while is sit with him and snuggle him until he feels better, I try to imagine her doing the same thing to me 27 years ago. Every time I am waiting with my students at parent pick-up time and a child runs across the gym screaming with joy as their grandma picks them up, I think of her. Every time that I am at my wits end, and I could really use her comfort and advice, I miss her. I really don't think any amount of time is going to make those feelings go away. I worry that I will continue to see her for the rest of my life, and have to remind myself over and over that she is gone. Sometimes I feel like I am in a horribly depressing version of Groundhog Day.

In the next few weeks I will celebrate my first Mother's Day as a mom, as well as my first Mother's Day without a mom. It will be a horribly bittersweet day, and I'm not sure how I am going to handle it. I will also be celebrating Hudson's first birthday, which my mom had been excited about being a part of even before he was born. I will try hard to make it fun, even though her absence will be extremely difficult. I am just so thankful to have my sister who is going through this with me, my step-dad who reminds me of how happy she was in those last few years, my son who keeps me positive and looking forward to each new day, my husband who is the most understanding and helpful man possible, and my in-laws who make sure that I have a good support system. Without them, I know that I would be absolutely lost.

I am going to celebrate Hudson's first SUNNY trip to the zoo today and think of my mom often :) I know she is shining down on us !

Love you,
Sarah

Consistently inconsistent...

So as many of you know, I struggle with being able to tune out all of the polarizing advice I receive as a mom, and try to trust my mom gut and do what I think is right for my little man. It has been a rough few weeks as Hudson is still not sleeping through the night at 9 months old, and I am desperately trying to figure out what he needs. I have since stopped nursing after bedtime at his pediatricians advice, but he is still waking up just wanting to be held and attended to. I know that whatever I decided to do, I need to remain consistent, but how can I do that if his sleep patterns are so inconsistent!?! Since we began cutting out his nighttime feeding(s) we have done an altered version of the cry it out, and just gone into his room at night when he cries, wrapping him up, patting his back, and leaving the room. We have done that about every 15 minutes until he falls asleep. That used to happen once a night and last about an hour to an hour and a half. Then it was happening twice a night...then ALL NIGHT!! And then once John and I are at the end of our rope, he sleeps 11 hours straight without waking up once!! Then the next night it is back to the old routine...UGH!!

I am trying to hard to be consistent, and I want so badly to do what is best for Hudson, but I don't know what that is! Is it best for him for me to be strong and teach him to sleep because I know he needs it? Or is it best for me to attend to him and rock with him when he is sad and upset?? Last night was the worst ever. At the advice of a family member with several children of her own, we let Hudson cry for a little longer than usual in expectation that he would just fall back asleep on his own without our constant interventions. So instead of checking on him every 15-20 minutes, we let him cry for an hour! So from 12:00 midnight until 1:00 am, I let him wail. It was so heart wrenching. He didn't let up. So at 1:00 am I went in, wiped his nose and bounced him until he calmed down, then wrapped him back up and put him back down. He stayed quiet for about 10 minutes and then was back to wailing again. At 2:00 am I went back in, gave him a drink of water, then wrapped him back up again and put him back down. The crying got softer for a few minutes, but then it was back to the wailing.

At 2:30 am, after listening to my poor baby cry for 2 and a 1/2 hours, I had it! I walked out to the living room and sat in the dark and just begged my mom to tell me what to do. I closed my eyes and I asked her to give me some insight as to what Hudson needed, because I just wanted to be a good mom. I was trying to be consistent and strong, but I was failing. I sat there for a few minutes, watching the baby monitor lights go crazy, and I just wished more than anything that my mom was there to comfort me and tell me everything was okay. I wish she was there to give me a hug and make me feel better. I just wanted to be with her so bad, and I missed her so much. As I sat there in the dark crying, it finally hit me. That is how she was telling me what to do. Here I was, crying on the couch for my mom, and my poor son was in his room crying for his. OMG. He just wanted to be with me. He missed me. He wanted me to comfort him and tell him it will all be okay. He wanted me to give him a hug and make him feel better. Screw being consistent. I walked into his room. Grabbed my poor sobbing baby, wiped his nose, gave him a drink of water, and held him against me until he fell asleep. Then I carried him into my room and slept next to him for the rest of the night until Daddy's alarm went off in the morning waking all of us up. It wasn't the best sleep I have ever had, because I was on mommy patrol all night making sure he was snoozing safely next to me, but I woke up happy.

I may have just messed up all of the work I have done over the past few weeks by giving in, but it obviously wasn't working anyway. I'm not sure what the next few nights are going to look like for us, but I'm sure I'll figure it out. I need to remember that I know best, and whatever I do that seems to work and make everyone happy will just have to do. This won't last forever, right??

Submarine mom...

I recently read an article that was discussing the danger of being a helicopter parent, and it introduced a new term that I could really relate to, which was a "submarine parent". These moms and dads stay out of sight (figuratively) and let their children feel independent and self assured, but if they were ever in trouble, the submarine parent would swoop in and help out. My mom was a submarine mom. I just never realized until now that I was such a good swimmer because I knew she was there to save me if I drowned.

I had mentioned to my mom not long after Hudson was born how much I was looking forward to her being a role model for him and teaching him all of the great life lessons that she taught me. I definitely had a unique childhood growing up with two parents working in law enforcement. The topic of guns, drugs, arrests, abuse, and criminal behavior were openly discussed (at appropriate levels of course). I felt like I learned some street smarts from her, and the unattractive reality of some of my peers' behaviors. I was able to rise above most of the pressures that my generation faced and I felt like I came out of it with a lot of integrity and self-assurance. She also instilled in my my work ethic, my sense of right and wrong, my strength and resilience, and of course, my dashing good looks :)

As I go each day without her as a confidant, a mentor, a listener, and an inspiration, I have to try and imagine what she would be saying and advising me to do. I am trying to navigate my new role as a wife, as a mom, and as a strong willed and eager woman trying to find my place in my career. I would like nothing more than to emulate her success in life and to find myself in such a happy place when I reach the top. I never really understood why people would reference their lost loved ones in times of change and reflect on how they would feel about it, but I often find myself asking, "What would my mom say about this?" I hope that she would be proud. I hope that she is looking down and thinking that I am doing a good job despite my stumbles, and I know she is somehow guiding me through the times that I need her. Each day I get a little deeper in the pool of self reliance, and trust myself a little more. I may not have her there anymore to catch me when I sink, but I feel like she equipped me with some life preservers to hold onto if I need them.

In conclusion, here are some things I would like my son, Hudson, to learn about life from me, so that if he ever has to swim on his own, I know he will make it:

1. Learn how to accept responsibility for your own actions, and consider how they affect others
2. Be strong in your beliefs, but respect others'
3. Failure is okay, but make sure you learn from it
4. Be trustworthy
5. Be proud of everything you do
6. Know who and what is important in life, and treat them well
7. Focus on the positives in life, and change or forget everything else
8. Keep trying new things even if they seem hard or way too out of reach
9. Always expect the best out of the people around you; know your worth and don't settle
10. Make people proud of you

Dear Mom,

Dear Mom,

I remember the year that you sent Amy and I Halloween cards in the mail, and tucked inside were several small sheets of Halloween themed stickers. This was when I was fully grown and somewhere in my journey of going to college and working, but getting those silly little stickers completely made my day. I still have those stickers. Throughout the years I would randomly get little notes and gifts from you, and they always brought a little--no, a huge--smile to my face. One day it was a text to look outside my front door, and there was a Christmas doormat and a tin of fresh baked cookies. I always felt so loved when you did those things. They reminded me how much Amy and I meant to you. I also loved those random weekday lunches for no reason at all, just to chat. Most of all though, I just loved being around you. Even when I was "too cool" to hang out with my parents, I would drop any plans I had to be able to go hang out with you. I miss calling you. I miss sending you pictures of the silly little things Hudson is doing. I miss watching you snuggle with him in that big cozy chair in the corner, while you give me a break to get stuff done. I miss you baking me cookies. I miss the squirt gun fights, and the surprise silly string ambushes. I miss the birthday trips to the mall to get new clothes. I miss you sprucing up my garden and telling me what I needed to plant. I miss the camping trips, and the spontaneous drives out on the beach. I miss you dropping my my house unannounced.

I miss you.

What kills me the most though mom, is that while I get to look back on these memories and remember you, my little baby boy is missing out on all of this. I know that he won't really ever understand what he is missing, but I so badly wish he could have felt the love for him that I know you would have shared. I wish that he got the chance to build memories with you and share all of these crazy and fun experiences he could only do with you. I feel like I am grieving twice. Once for the loss of you as my mom, and once for you as the loss of the greatest Nana to ever live. I will try to be creative over the years and imagine what kinds of spontaneous adventures you would take him on, and do my best attempt to re-create them. I just want him to grow up feeling as loved and as lucky as I did.

Things that make me crazy...

There are 3 things (among many) that drive me absolutely crazy: movie endings that suck, diving into something new when I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing, and fear of the unknown.

I hate wasting 2 hours of my life watching a movie and absorbing myself into the storyline and getting to know the characters, just so I can be horribly disappointed at the end when everything is left unresolved or I am left feeling sad and depressed. My perfect ending always leaves the man and woman falling in love, the world being saved, and everyone learns a lesson and lives happily ever after. Maybe that is why I am trying so desperately hard to tie a pretty little bow on this horrible situation. I'm searching for something positive to end this chapter of my life on, and while I do a pretty good job making it look like I've got it all figured out, I am horribly lost. That leads me to the second thing I hate...

I have held down 2 main types of jobs in my life: food service and child care. Those are two things I am good at so I stick with them. While I do like embarking on new adventures in my life, I have terrible anxiety when I am placed in a new situation where I have no idea what I am doing, and very little guidance. I have always just stuck to the familiar so that I can have the ability to look and feel like I am in control. Talking with my counselor over the last few months has really made me realize how much I actually depend on that sense of control. When I feel lost or unsure about what to do or how to act, I panic. In reaction to this, I create this "fake it till you make it" persona where I talk some big game about how I've got it all together, in hopes that if I say it enough, I'll start believing it. But of course as soon as any tiny stressor tips my scale, I completely fall apart. I avoid things that are unpleasant or not fun, and live in my happy little world of denial. In this perfect little world of mine, I can make big plans for the future and convince myself and everyone else that everything will work out and be okay. And that prevents me from having to face my third fear...

Whenever I am asked what superpower I would choose to have if I could, I always say that I wish I had the ability to see into the future. Then I could make sure that every decision I make is the right one, and always know how everything is going to turn out. I get so frustrated when I have to wait and see if something is going to work out, and I often waste a lot of time, energy, and sanity worrying about whether I am doing something correctly, or making the right decision. I so badly want to fast forward to when I can be at peace with everything that has happened, and to be able to know that I will be okay. I want to make sure that I am being a good mom, that I am taking advantage of this time spent at home with my son, that I will eventually get a job and be a good teacher a still a good mom, and that all of the hard stuff I am going through will get better.

So now I will lay my crazy head down to sleep, because my crazy son needs his crazy mom to be crazy with tomorrow...and I'm crazy about him :)