There are 3 things (among many) that drive me absolutely crazy: movie endings that suck, diving into something new when I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing, and fear of the unknown.
I hate wasting 2 hours of my life watching a movie and absorbing myself into the storyline and getting to know the characters, just so I can be horribly disappointed at the end when everything is left unresolved or I am left feeling sad and depressed. My perfect ending always leaves the man and woman falling in love, the world being saved, and everyone learns a lesson and lives happily ever after. Maybe that is why I am trying so desperately hard to tie a pretty little bow on this horrible situation. I'm searching for something positive to end this chapter of my life on, and while I do a pretty good job making it look like I've got it all figured out, I am horribly lost. That leads me to the second thing I hate...
I have held down 2 main types of jobs in my life: food service and child care. Those are two things I am good at so I stick with them. While I do like embarking on new adventures in my life, I have terrible anxiety when I am placed in a new situation where I have no idea what I am doing, and very little guidance. I have always just stuck to the familiar so that I can have the ability to look and feel like I am in control. Talking with my counselor over the last few months has really made me realize how much I actually depend on that sense of control. When I feel lost or unsure about what to do or how to act, I panic. In reaction to this, I create this "fake it till you make it" persona where I talk some big game about how I've got it all together, in hopes that if I say it enough, I'll start believing it. But of course as soon as any tiny stressor tips my scale, I completely fall apart. I avoid things that are unpleasant or not fun, and live in my happy little world of denial. In this perfect little world of mine, I can make big plans for the future and convince myself and everyone else that everything will work out and be okay. And that prevents me from having to face my third fear...
Whenever I am asked what superpower I would choose to have if I could, I always say that I wish I had the ability to see into the future. Then I could make sure that every decision I make is the right one, and always know how everything is going to turn out. I get so frustrated when I have to wait and see if something is going to work out, and I often waste a lot of time, energy, and sanity worrying about whether I am doing something correctly, or making the right decision. I so badly want to fast forward to when I can be at peace with everything that has happened, and to be able to know that I will be okay. I want to make sure that I am being a good mom, that I am taking advantage of this time spent at home with my son, that I will eventually get a job and be a good teacher a still a good mom, and that all of the hard stuff I am going through will get better.
So now I will lay my crazy head down to sleep, because my crazy son needs his crazy mom to be crazy with tomorrow...and I'm crazy about him :)
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I am with you. I always say I need to be mentally prepared for things. Otherwise I really don't handle them well, but with notice I can cope.
ReplyDeleteThere is no easy way to get through what you are going through.
I am a glass half full person too and you can go through all the "I was just so lucky to have her in my life as long as I did" or the "I was so blessed to have the relationship I had with her" all day but nothing takes away the pain of the fact that you no longer have her, she isn't HERE to rejoice in the joys of watching your son grow or answer the day to day questions you have or hang out and hit the mall or have lunch.
This glass may be half full, but it's also super empty.
This is never going to seem right, but all those annoying glass half full statements are true. You are lucky. But you are also devastated and you have every right to feel that way. Your amazing husband and son will get you through this, as will your sister.
Even though there is so much pain, us glass half full people will be able to find the blessings we still have and that is a truly beautiful thing.
Hang in there girl, I think you are doing great!!
Thank you so much for saying that Sarah, I often have the same EXACT thoughts!!! It is hard for an extreme optimist like me to wrap my head around something so negative and sad. I usually find being sad and depressed a waste of time and energy, but this situation has definitely made it hard to be my usual perky self. Things get better for a while and then I have a few days where it is hard to rise above just being awake and getting through my day. Hudson sure helps keep my spirits up, but it is so hard to realize that I can't share all of his milestones with her :(
DeleteThanks for listening to me and making me feel like I'm not alone!!