Dear Mom,

Dear Mom,

I remember the year that you sent Amy and I Halloween cards in the mail, and tucked inside were several small sheets of Halloween themed stickers. This was when I was fully grown and somewhere in my journey of going to college and working, but getting those silly little stickers completely made my day. I still have those stickers. Throughout the years I would randomly get little notes and gifts from you, and they always brought a little--no, a huge--smile to my face. One day it was a text to look outside my front door, and there was a Christmas doormat and a tin of fresh baked cookies. I always felt so loved when you did those things. They reminded me how much Amy and I meant to you. I also loved those random weekday lunches for no reason at all, just to chat. Most of all though, I just loved being around you. Even when I was "too cool" to hang out with my parents, I would drop any plans I had to be able to go hang out with you. I miss calling you. I miss sending you pictures of the silly little things Hudson is doing. I miss watching you snuggle with him in that big cozy chair in the corner, while you give me a break to get stuff done. I miss you baking me cookies. I miss the squirt gun fights, and the surprise silly string ambushes. I miss the birthday trips to the mall to get new clothes. I miss you sprucing up my garden and telling me what I needed to plant. I miss the camping trips, and the spontaneous drives out on the beach. I miss you dropping my my house unannounced.

I miss you.

What kills me the most though mom, is that while I get to look back on these memories and remember you, my little baby boy is missing out on all of this. I know that he won't really ever understand what he is missing, but I so badly wish he could have felt the love for him that I know you would have shared. I wish that he got the chance to build memories with you and share all of these crazy and fun experiences he could only do with you. I feel like I am grieving twice. Once for the loss of you as my mom, and once for you as the loss of the greatest Nana to ever live. I will try to be creative over the years and imagine what kinds of spontaneous adventures you would take him on, and do my best attempt to re-create them. I just want him to grow up feeling as loved and as lucky as I did.