Consistently inconsistent...

So as many of you know, I struggle with being able to tune out all of the polarizing advice I receive as a mom, and try to trust my mom gut and do what I think is right for my little man. It has been a rough few weeks as Hudson is still not sleeping through the night at 9 months old, and I am desperately trying to figure out what he needs. I have since stopped nursing after bedtime at his pediatricians advice, but he is still waking up just wanting to be held and attended to. I know that whatever I decided to do, I need to remain consistent, but how can I do that if his sleep patterns are so inconsistent!?! Since we began cutting out his nighttime feeding(s) we have done an altered version of the cry it out, and just gone into his room at night when he cries, wrapping him up, patting his back, and leaving the room. We have done that about every 15 minutes until he falls asleep. That used to happen once a night and last about an hour to an hour and a half. Then it was happening twice a night...then ALL NIGHT!! And then once John and I are at the end of our rope, he sleeps 11 hours straight without waking up once!! Then the next night it is back to the old routine...UGH!!

I am trying to hard to be consistent, and I want so badly to do what is best for Hudson, but I don't know what that is! Is it best for him for me to be strong and teach him to sleep because I know he needs it? Or is it best for me to attend to him and rock with him when he is sad and upset?? Last night was the worst ever. At the advice of a family member with several children of her own, we let Hudson cry for a little longer than usual in expectation that he would just fall back asleep on his own without our constant interventions. So instead of checking on him every 15-20 minutes, we let him cry for an hour! So from 12:00 midnight until 1:00 am, I let him wail. It was so heart wrenching. He didn't let up. So at 1:00 am I went in, wiped his nose and bounced him until he calmed down, then wrapped him back up and put him back down. He stayed quiet for about 10 minutes and then was back to wailing again. At 2:00 am I went back in, gave him a drink of water, then wrapped him back up again and put him back down. The crying got softer for a few minutes, but then it was back to the wailing.

At 2:30 am, after listening to my poor baby cry for 2 and a 1/2 hours, I had it! I walked out to the living room and sat in the dark and just begged my mom to tell me what to do. I closed my eyes and I asked her to give me some insight as to what Hudson needed, because I just wanted to be a good mom. I was trying to be consistent and strong, but I was failing. I sat there for a few minutes, watching the baby monitor lights go crazy, and I just wished more than anything that my mom was there to comfort me and tell me everything was okay. I wish she was there to give me a hug and make me feel better. I just wanted to be with her so bad, and I missed her so much. As I sat there in the dark crying, it finally hit me. That is how she was telling me what to do. Here I was, crying on the couch for my mom, and my poor son was in his room crying for his. OMG. He just wanted to be with me. He missed me. He wanted me to comfort him and tell him it will all be okay. He wanted me to give him a hug and make him feel better. Screw being consistent. I walked into his room. Grabbed my poor sobbing baby, wiped his nose, gave him a drink of water, and held him against me until he fell asleep. Then I carried him into my room and slept next to him for the rest of the night until Daddy's alarm went off in the morning waking all of us up. It wasn't the best sleep I have ever had, because I was on mommy patrol all night making sure he was snoozing safely next to me, but I woke up happy.

I may have just messed up all of the work I have done over the past few weeks by giving in, but it obviously wasn't working anyway. I'm not sure what the next few nights are going to look like for us, but I'm sure I'll figure it out. I need to remember that I know best, and whatever I do that seems to work and make everyone happy will just have to do. This won't last forever, right??