A Pack of Lifesavers

I knew Kaylin from Grad School. We were part of a small "clique" that formed in our cohort of future teachers. We made a tradition of grabbing a cocktail and some appetizers before our 6:00 Monday night class at the local Christian University (ironic, I know). When graduation day came, and we all got our diplomas and were sent naively into the shark infested waters of the teaching profession hiring pool, we remained close. After 18 months passed, and no teaching job in sight, I did the natural thing that 20-something married women do...and got pregnant. When I happened to mention that I was thinking about getting a part time job at a baby boutique, she showed an unnatural interest in their hiring status. I knew immediately that she had the same "condition" that I did. When both of us showed up to our next happy hour meet-up, and neither of us drank, the third member of our party caught on and it became official...we were joining another club together...the MOMMY CLUB!

We had fun doing the pregnant thing simultaneously, both of us found out we were having boys! She delivered first, in April, and I followed about 8 weeks behind, in June. While I was going through the binder that my delivering hospital gave me, all about how to bathe baby, burp baby, and diaper baby, I came across an invitation to their "Baby and Me" group. I remember a vision of uptight, yoga pants-wearing, and baby-obsessed women sitting around and talking about REALLY boring and mundane stay-at-home mommy issues. I was not interested. I was cool. And hip. And I did not need a group of boring women to "bond" with...blech.

After about 3 weeks though, when my husband went back to work-and I was alone, and bored-Kaylin mentioned to me that she had been going to this very same mommy group, and it was kind of cool! What the heck, I have nothing better to do on Tuesday at 2:00, I'll go! (At least to see Kaylin, and let our adorable babies "play" together!) It actually was, more or less, what I expected...a group of women, sitting in a circle, wearing yoga pants and bonding. I was kind of shy, but the moment the facilitator asked me to share about my birth story, and the AMAZING little man I had brought into the world, I was hooked. Of course I love talking about Hudson. He's perfect, and amazing, and AWESOME!! What happened next surprised me. Moms were sharing how they were having difficulty nursing (like me), and sleeping (like me), and getting along with their husbands (like me)! I started feeling better about all of my own insecurities and struggles. I found a new group of ladies that were having exactly the same experiences as me! Over the next few weeks, I kept finding myself back there every Tuesday. Not only because it was an awesome opportunity to talk through the constantly changing issues that were facing me about motherhood, but also because it was a great excuse to shower, get dressed, and leave the house. It was always a safe environment where I could go and do whatever my newborn needed me to do, while making some new friends and venting my frustrations with being a new mom. I reconnected with another mom who I (and John) had befriended during our birthing class a few months back! She and I got to know each other even more, and became really close.

There was another mom, who 3 months after having her daughter, found out she was pregnant again...WHAT?!? (I still think she is the only person I know who could have pulled that off) Another mom who had a son a mere one day younger than Hudson, but as of today, dwarfs him by at least a foot! Another mom who had even more nursing issues than I did, and always had a boppy connected to her during group. And so many others with stories so different, yet so similar, to mine. To top it off, we gained a new and regular facilitator who started each gathering with 3 questions: What is one thing that is going well, what is one thing that is not, and then a question that was totally NOT related to motherhood, to make us feel human. It was so awesome getting to know everyone, getting help from other moms who had tried different things, and to just have a place where I belonged! These gals were a great addition to the support system I had at home.

Then, everything fell apart. One minute I was holding my precious 3-month-old baby in my arms, thinking about mundane things like sleep, feedings, and diapers, and the next minute I am finding out my biggest support, my mom, is gone. Suddenly. Unexpectedly. So totally unfair. With all of the changes, and uncertainties, and conflicting ideas and opinions that come with motherhood, she was my constant. My tie breaker. My sounding board and focus group. I couldn't think straight, or breathe, or even be remotely normal. The only thing keeping me grounded and moving forward was my son. He NEEDED me! I didn't want this poor little guy to know that his mommy was falling apart. Friday I dealt with the shock of my mom's passing, Saturday I went to the funeral home to make arrangements, Sunday I went to church...by Tuesday, I needed a break from the sadness. It was the Halloween Dress-Up Party at Baby and Me. A bunch of infants dressed up in costumes?? Yes PLEASE! I bought my sister, but didn't say a word to anyone. I know how awkward it is to tell someone that you are grieving...unless they knew the person that you lost, or have gone through it themselves, they really don't know what to say. So I just kept to myself, tried not to cry, and enjoyed the afternoon. The rest of the week was spent, again, dealing with the logistics of losing my mom, we had her funeral the following Saturday, and I was back at group the next week. This time we were upstairs, next to the cafeteria (I remember these details vividly) and I finally told my new group of friends. We were talking about what was challenging that week, and I told them. It's hard to deal with the mundane little trivial issues of motherhood when you are grieving so hard. They were so supportive, but I don't think that anyone understood how much I was hurting.

So many things were happening at once. I lost my mom, and was devastated. I was dealing with a lack of sleep, a screaming infant all day, my once perfect relationship with my husband was strained because of our new roles, we were struggling financially with my time off, I was dealing with the challenges of juggling an on-call job with daycare for an infant, my house was a disaster, I felt like crap all the time...the world felt like it was caving in on me. I could barely get through each day without just bawling and begging God to give me a BREAK!! My emotions and frustration were so palpable, I felt like I was going to explode all the time. At the height of my struggles, I burst into tears at group, told my friends that I was coming to terms with a life that would never be happy, and I was just feeling so defeated.

Then things started coming together. Day by day, I started trusting MYSELF. I was my new sounding board and tie breaker. Even though my friends weren't sharing ALL of my struggles, they were goin g through most of it with me. The mommyhood stuff. We started getting the babies together for playdates, Mom's Nights Out, and a message board for everything human. They partially filled a void left by my mother. I felt comfortable sharing with them all of the things I was going through.

As the next few years went by, every time I heard that a friend was pregnant for the first time, I was immediately excited for the journey they were about to embark on. As soon as the baby came, I would rally around them, telling them of course about the wonderful group I was a part of and inviting them to join...and then part of me was sad for them. The sight or thought of having a new baby put a nasty feeling in my stomach and reminded me of everything I went through those first few months. Each time however, I was surprised about how well my friends were doing, in comparison to how hard it was for me. I didn't understand why motherhood was so much harder on me.

I finally put the pieces together a few weeks ago. When I was seeing a counselor after my mom passed, she mentioned that I was moderately depressed. (I never did tell my pediatrician about what was going on). I didn't believe her, because I viewed depression as suicidal, and I viewed post-partum depression as wanting to harm your baby. Neither of those thoughts ever crossed my mind. But now I realize, I was depressed. Too many changes were happening at once, and I never admitted that it was more than I could handle. But what I do know, is that had it not been for that group of ladies, and their ADORABLE babies, and the friendship, and the camaraderie, and the support...things would have been MUCH worse. I don't know what I would have done to cope with everything that was happening and my search for a new identity.

Thank you to the ladies of BAM, and thank you to Elizabeth for bringing us together. I cannot express the priceless value I place on you guys and your support. And as each one of us faces our own challenges and hardships in years to come, I hope that we can all continue to support each other and provide one another with friendship and love :)